I just attended a funeral and ended up stuck in the corner with the crazy cousin who was talking nonsense.  You know who I mean; very family has one weirdo.  While he was going on and on about strange zombie ideas that no one in their right mind believes – disease is caused by water vibration that gets into the body and screws up homeostasis — I was standing there politely zoning out, since it was a funeral and I couldn’t leave or shout, Get out of my face you weird automaton before I catch whatever mental virus you have!

While I was tuning out the onslaught of gibberish, my mind had to do something, so with my background in communication I naturally began to seriously consider why crazy people are the way they are, which I realized is mainly due to survival – they are just looking for a way to get by mentally.  The world as we know it, for whatever reason, doesn’t make sense to them, so they create a world that does make sense.  Then they happily live in their own world.  They don’t know that everyone else thinks they are crazy, perhaps dangerously so depending on the degree of crazy.  They really don’t know that it’s hard to be around them because they make everyone so uncomfortable with their crazy talk.

We like the comfortably familiar.  Whenever people veer too far off the familiar path, either with bizarre physical behavior or nonsense words delivered with an intensity that is downright creepy, you just want to get the hell away from them.  Bizarre behavior and crazy talk doesn’t make for very good company as no one can stand to be around it.

The point is not to berate, laugh at, pity, or even to help this kind of crazy, as they don’t want help and won’t accept it.  So avoidance is the chosen path.  Maybe substitute the condescension with a dose of understanding; not easy to do.

Sadly, the entire extended family writes off this cousin socially as too uncomfortable to relate to.    And as if to underscore his degree of craziness, he passes out a business card that lists his position as “socialite” and “cultural icon” among other attributes on a long list – makes me cringe, embarrassed for him.  More like: eccentric antisocial oddity, but then what does it really matter?

I will note that anyone who spends 3 years in solitude to find themselves could hardly be thought of as liking other people enough to wear the label “socialite”.  But that’s just my opinion.  And let’s not miss mention of the title of “Sir” before his given name.  Delusions of grandeur aside, it would be laughable if it weren’t so sad.  Sad that this cousin is dead serious.  Not kidding at all, while looking and talking completely normally, with few words coming out of that ‘normal’ person that make any sense to anyone.

Where did things go wrong?  As a normal young child, where does craziness come from?  Everyone’s story is different, with difference life experiences that contribute to sending someone who is predisposed to bizarre behavior over the edge.

Is it ok to be crazy, as long as no one is getting hurt?  Certainly there’s no law against it, no matter how uncomfortable you make people.  Next question: do we need social acceptance – do we need to conform our actions according to social conventions?  Answer: yes and no – yes, we need others for emotional intimacy, since we are wired to seek out the company of others in a cooperative society.  But no, physically we don’t need others, as many hermits have proven.  The problem with crazies is that they choose to remain in society but they can’t figure out how to play by the rules.

A good communication rule to follow is: when someone says something that doesn’t make sense to you, instead of dismissing them, instead consider what must be true for them to have said it.  Hard to do with crazies, but it’s at the root of understanding, if you have a crazy that you care enough about to make the effort.  Your choice, since they don’t care what you do or think; they’re pretty happy.  And that’s probably enough.

Have any crazies effecting your life?  Comments welcomed below.

I was watching an episode of Seinfeld, the iconic show about nothing, repeatedly offering great commentary on communication. The focus of this episode was different characters feeling that someone was insinuating something that the person wasn’t intending to do. When Elaine buys George coffee, he is certain that her kind gesture was instead a snide insinuation that she makes more money than he does.  Jerry’s parents are certain that Jerry is insinuating that they need taking care of when he buys them a Cadillac that they don’t want.  Elaine is certain that Kramer is insinuating that he’s better than her.

Behind the humor is a situation that’s all too real as more often than not people personalize most things to their own perspective, real or imagined.

My daughter gave my husband and me a couple of smart phones a few years ago when they changed to i-phones.  The phones worked great until the other day when my husband’s phone somehow wiped itself clean.  It was no one’s fault, but when I mentioned her father’s misfortune, my daughter automatically leapt to defend (“phones worked fine when we gave them to you!”) even though I wasn’t insinuating any blame at all.

It’s a natural tendency to try to place blame for several reasons:

• The brain’s higher level thinking processes are primarily geared to problem solve (the phone breaking situation sounds like a problem to be solved)
• The main way to solve problems is to compare the current situation to prior experiences, i.e. looking for a pattern (the phone never broke down when I owned it – no pattern – so the blame/error must be yours)
• The brain dislikes open loops, which are unsolved problems and tries to close the perhaps unsolvable open loop (are you insinuating that it’s somehow my problem or that I’m to blame?)

All of this is wasted brain energy, even if it is human nature to run through this self-protecting defensive blaming exercise.  In the interest of good relationships, we need to check it out and make sure that you know that I am not to blame for your misfortunes.  And even though I tell you that I don’t blame you, somehow you think that I might, so you rush to defend.

When you know about this very human blame/defend tendency, it helps communication to prepare for the blame reaction in advance.  Sure, you can front-load with, “Not that I’m blaming you, but did you know that the old phone you gave me awhile back broke down the other day, which was really annoying!” But let me stop you right there and back up the thinking with another thought.

Before you open your mouth, think instead, “What exactly is to be gained by saying what I’m about to say?  What do I want to come from this next exchange?”  If the answer is “nothing” and if what you’re about to say has the potential to hurt matters and not help, don’t say it.  Bite your tongue and move on in the conversation.

We don’t have to place blame (just a bad habit).  We don’t have to accept blame (falling on your sword; taking one for the team).  Not everything needs a blame assignment (and having someone or something to blame doesn’t change much).

When knowing who’s to blame doesn’t change what’s happened, what’s to be gained by knowing?  (Other than the brain’s open loop is closed and the brain is happy.)  Spare the hurt feelings.

Sounds easy, but it’s not that easy to actually do.  To wait 2 seconds before speaking and during that time, to consider the effect of your words on the other person and silently run through all their potential reactions to your words is a communication skill few have developed to use regularly.  But oh what a communication difference it would make to do so!

Thinking and speaking are habits, automatic forms of behavior; word patterns and thinking patterns that become ingrained after repeated use.  And automatic habits can be changed with effort, with belief in the change, and with practice.  Lots and lots of practice.  (And please don’t think that I’m insinuating that you’re a bad person or blaming you if you don’t change!)

Comment below with your own experience with blaming, placed or received, real or imagined.

Here’s news you may not know: the male’s ring finger size can tell a lot about his communication, especially his treatment of females!  Hogwash, you say – how can that be valid?  Well, the idea indeed has a scientific basis.

Everyone, male and female, has testosterone, with males having a larger dose than most females.  When males are in the womb, they are exposed to their mother’s testosterone (among other hormones) – the smaller ratio of the mother’s testosterone, the greater amount of male hormone is developed by the male fetus.  And men with smaller testosterone levels are just nicer to females –spouses, friends, co-workers and colleagues.

According to a McGill University study these nicer guys “listen attentively, smile and laugh” and are more apt to “compromise or compliment” a woman rather than argue with her.  They are less apt to pick a fight with a female; men with higher levels of testosterone will quarrel and argue with either gender indiscriminately.

Nicer men tend to have better, stronger, more companionable relationships – they are just easier to get along with.  Nice guys are better hubbies. This leads to having more children because their nature is to be more harmonious with women.

So where’s the ring finger connection?  In the study of a large mixed gender test group a correlation was discovered between male finger length and social interactions, tracked over several weeks.  Specifically interactions that lasted over 5 minutes were all recorded and then categorized as agreeable or quarrelsome for 20 days.

With females, there was no correlation between finger size and behavior.  With the males, the gender finger rule was established as occurring 30% more often (30% is very statistically relevant in studies). Males with longer ring fingers compared to index fingers are statistically nicer to women and get along better with them.  The inverse is also true: men with smaller index fingers compared to ring fingers are charming to ladies.

And size matters: the longer the ring finger or the shorter the index finger = the nicer 🙂

What about those men with index and ring fingers close in length?  Or how about those with short ring fingers?  Best to steer clear of those quarrelsome meanies as not the best boyfriend bet, if it’s not too late.  Just saying, studies show they can be more argumentative, and who wants that?

We all know that higher testosterone = more aggressive nature.  What we learned is that there is an external  testosterone reader on a male’s hand; look to the ring and index finger comparison for your communication cue to potential behavior.  “With this ring I do wed…” your longer ring finger!

But the caution from an Oxford University study suggests that these same charming longer fourth fingered people may be a little too charming, with a greater tendency to promiscuity… and there are those higher level male hormones talking.  It’s a man’s ‘job’ to replicate their DNA as much as possible, or so some men think.

Maybe it’s you with the elongated ring finger, or someone you love that may need fixing with relationship issues.  If so, any fixer-uppers are invited to explore www.YouSimplyBetter.com 🙂

Let me read your (male) palm… hmmm, I see my next BFF!

Yup, you made an email error – you pressed ‘send’ too soon (oh, let’s blame the computer for doing that, shall we? That machine simply has a mind of its own)… or you Yup, you made an email error – you pressed ‘send’ too soon (oh, let’s blame the computer for doing that, shall we? That machine simply has a mind of its own)… or you sent it to the wrong person (the person right above or right below the right person)… or maybe you inappropriately sent it as a reply all (and unfortunately it wasn’t entirely complimentary to all…) – but hey, you’re only human!

It can’t be helped; with the number of emails you send, an error is bound to happen occasionally.  Mistakes happen, especially when we’re going too fast, and then an ‘oops!’ – an explanatory email – needs to be sent explaining and apologizing…

So learning the basics on writing a great ‘Oops!’ email is a good tool to have, since it will undoubtedly be needed, several times.

First, let’s be clear that the size of the error under consideration should not be major, which would require more than just an Oops! email to set a major mistake straight.  The best test for error size is answering the question: did the error cause anyone to lose money or was there any resulting physical harm done? If no to both, then read on, as an ‘oops’ by definition indicates minor situation surgery is needed, not major.

So consider the degree of the severity of the offense and include the following elements in your mea culpa:

Own the error, in the subject line, then again in the opening sentence.    Get right to the point.  “Oops, I owe you an apology.”  “Yikes!  an ‘I’m sorry’ is in order…”  “I just realized my faux pas…”

Explain concisely what happened and why you’re apologizing.  No beating around the bush or long winded details.  Really not necessary to go on at length.  Just enough to explain the ‘what’ without the ‘why’.

Be genuine.  All communication should be genuine, but sometimes it’s not.  Don’t let that be you, or it will be discovered and rightfully resented.

Be humorous; it shows good humanness to poke fun at yourself.  Another good way to express humor is with images (pix of babies + animals = score!) Adding an apology theme is memorable, but again it depends on the severity of the offense; If you go all in and spend the time creating a meme, is it warranted or is it overkill?

If the offense is severe, proffer a peace offering.

Another consideration – is this error a repeat occurrence?  Is it an, ‘Oops, I did it again’ situation? Or is it a first time mistake situation, with this person?  Apologize a few times if this has happened more than once.  You can’t really overdue the apologizing, but don’t lambast yourself either.

EXAMPLE apology email:

Subject Line:  You: unintended victim; Me: embarrassed

I know I’m in the doghouse for sending that reply all email that was critical of your idea.  I hope you know that my bark is worse than my bite and sometimes I really need a muzzle…

I owe you for this one.  Please remind me of the debt whenever you decide to cash in.

Really sorry.

(Name)

Share your own OOPs! experience – you know you’ve made (at least) one 🙂

It’s hard enough to communicate clearly, and then the exact right word escapes us.  Or we simply don’t know the right word.  We know the concept that we’re trying to get across, but the single word to convey that exact concept for complete understanding escapes us, right at the moment.

“You know what I’m trying to say, right?  Hey, John (informed friend nearby), help me out here…you know when you are trying to [fill in the blank] – what’s that called?  You KNOW what I mean, don’t you?  Oh, it’s right on the tip of my tongue…!”

When my Memere couldn’t remember the English word for something, she would slip into her native French, declaring she didn’t know how to say it in English.

And sometimes there is no English equivalent and you have to use another language to be understood.  Hebrew is great for having concepts that have no English equivalent.  Like “chutzpah”, which is having audacity with a little cheek.  Great word.

The US is a great melting pot of nationalities and languages.  In my home state of Maine, the whitest state in the nation (94.4%), the local school system (with 79.9% of the students listing English as their primary language) there are 92 other languages, in addition to English, listed as spoken at home.

Because of so many language differences there are many words in the US that have melded into common use and found their way into the dictionary that are uniquely American.  Since English is now the most commonly spoken language in the world (thank you, Silicon Valley), American words are now global.

American English is heavily nuanced; there are layers of meaning that takes years of being immersed in the regional culture to fully understand.  This makes it hard for non-native speakers to comprehend the slang meanings, reserved for those in the know.

American English is also very informal, making it friendly and casual, but also hard to pick up and speak like a native.  Tone is oh so important to meaning in language, with all words carrying tone, including written words.  Words spoken with a flat tone have a different meaning than the same words with a lift, right?  Body language also contributes heavily to tone.  Saying the words with a lifted eyebrow is not the same as those same words spoken with a smile 🙂

Since language is living, it keeps changing, which makes it even harder to keep up.  New additions constantly contribute to the 1,025,000+ English words currently tabulated.  So what do you do when the one word from the million words available to select from, that you want to use express yourself isn’t top of mind?  Make up a new word!

Made up words can be fabulous.

I love “Grexit” to explain the current debt crisis in Greece, considering exiting the euro zone.

We have “linner”, or do you prefer “dunch”?

We explain in person, so you understand the concept of “textplaining” in texts.

Some made up words will catch on and become part of the lexicon (making you a proud parent, if it’s your word!) but others won’t make it, for a number of reasons.  “Textplain” is not likely to gain traction because “plain” is a homonym with “plane” so there is confusion when it’s spoken and it sounds like a version of an aircraft.

“Elegate” – to delegate up a level – is another clever word concoction but likely won’t have legs because it sounds too much like other words and that the speaker is just mispronouncing, like relegate, elevate, elegant, etc.

While “Grexit” is perfect for the times, it is too limited in duration to make it long term.  Or at least Greece and Europe hope that will be the case.

The best made up words are a combination of different ideas that sound logical together, with a unique sound and have good flow across the tongue.  I came across such a word the other day – “bloviate” – meaning not to blow too much hot air (talk too much) off topic, uselessly – and it turns out that bloviate is a real word!  So, darn, I can’t take credit, but at least I know what the creator was thinking!

So I’ll end now, so as not to be accused of bloviating!

Got an example of a great made up word?

My sister-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer at 62 years old.  – How can I help…?  Awkward…

My book club friend returns to the group after several months, having lost not one but two daughters to breast cancer, both within a month of each other.  – What do I say to a mother who has outlived 3 out of her 4 children?

Your buddy who was out of work for 18 months was just laid off from his latest job after just 6 months, with few new job prospects in sight. – Tough break; more tough times coming…no, can’t say that.

You bump into a former boss who was diagnosed with ALS 6 years ago, who is wheelchair bound and cannot speak but can understand every word. – Haven’t seen you in awhile, how are you doing?  Oh, dear, not appropriate!

In all these cases, when the situation is uncomfortably difficult, and you’re really at a loss for words, but know you should say something, what exactly do you say?

These are the times when communication is so necessary to show that you care and want to give genuine support, but the thoughts running through your head are blank about what’s the appropriate thing to say without putting your proverbial foot in your mouth.  What does the person really want to hear?

What would you want to hear, if it were you?  Since you may not have much or even any experience with the situation, you know that if you say, “I feel for you” it’s not true, since without firsthand experience, you might try to imagine, but you don’t really know what they’re feeling.

So a helplessness, a loss for words causes you to say nothing at all, avoiding the subject or the person altogether, which doesn’t help.  Sparing you discomfort is not the point.  Yet speaking the wrong words may make it worse…

What’s needed is a process to follow, to learn for the next time you are faced with a seriously difficult communication situation.  This 5-step process, which is well known in counseling, is the best way to communicate when a situation is difficult.

Step 1: Listen.  Just listen; don’t interrupt, don’t attempt to console, don’t ask a bunch of questions.  Just be that silent open ear that’s there for them, which lets the other person feel fully heard, not rushed, able to get out all they want to share.  Soothing sounds, fully attentive listening.

Step 2: Affirm.  Once they have finished and it’s your turn to say something, those first words are simply a back up of their feelings.  Acknowledging their emotion and their right to have it is important to do.  Not telling them what they must be feeling, or what you would feel if it was you; affirm what they have expressed. Period.

Step 3: Give hope.  There is always hope, for without hope, all is lost.  Although hope may be slim, there is always a reason to go on.  When there is a fatal loss, there is still hope for future happiness.  Life outside of loss goes on and memories live on.

Step 4: Be present.  Give the person your full attention and stay in the present moment with them.  It’s too easy to get distracted and lose the presence that’s needed.  Being present means keeping your mind on the person, not distractedly thinking of errands and schedules and activities.  The best way to be present is to breathe deeply and focus on your breathing, which grounds you in the present moment.

Step 5: Stop talking.  The last step is silence.  Silence can be golden.  When you are with another person, fully present with them and silent, you are “saying” all the right things.

The late, great George Carlin was a comedian, a counter-culture hero, a master of the language of ordinary people.  In 1972 Carlin famously listed the 7 words you couldn’t say on censored TV.  Back then there were 400,000 English words available; today we have well over a million words to choose from.  Yet the 7 banned words Carlin listed 4+ decades ago are still pretty much the go to bad words of today.  Thank you, George, for starting the process of tearing down the uptightness around language.  Someone had to light the spark.

In Carlin’s day TV was censored, but then along came Cable, without the strict rules of the networks.  Suddenly primetime entertainment had the ability to cut loose and to be naughty. And, to no one’s surprise, it turned out that viewers like the racy stuff. Afterall, we’re kinda used to freedom of speech after 200 years of the constitution.  And we also like our independence, out from under the censor’s bleeping thumb. Cable forced the networks to relax their high standards in the competition for viewers.  Even radio talk shows got in on the verbal obscenity act, snubbing their noses at the invasion of privacy cries of unsuspecting listeners.

Since the days of our Puritan founders, society standards have declined, but we still like the idea of preserving our social values; hence the American uneasy relationship with profanity continues.

Wait!  Before going on, let’s make a distinction inside of bad language between cursing/swearing/blaspheming and toilet/bodily functions/sexuality terms.  Yeah, yeah, they can all be grouped as offensive language, but there is a difference.

Cursing has a Christian religious basis: thou shalt not break the 3^rd commandment that came down from on high, taking the royal deity’s name “in vain” – more like using it in a mean tone.   If I say: “Jesus, that’s freaking fabulous” you’re not offended, actually you’re the opposite of offended.  But if I yell in anger, “Jesus, what’s wrong with you anyway?” of course you’re offended, with or without the swear.  It’s all about tone plus content.

Profanity depends on our adult cultural hang-up around sexuality.  Socially we carry old thought patterns that sex is dirty, nasty, don’t-ask/don’t-tell stuff; which cannot be easily changed.  This extends to the sex act, and all body parts attached to it, including what comes out of those body parts.  Completely natural, but warped to morph into unnaturally bad?  Damn those moral Puritans 🙂

Profanity, especially f*** in all its forms, is affronting in polite company because it is considered uncouth, base, uncivilized to swear.  Hearing a swear hurts our gentle sensibilities.  Hearing them also can corrupt our innocent children.  And offend our womenfolk too.  Except those profane women like my mother, who could swear down the saltiest sailor.

So what is it about “bad” words that can both attract and repel us?

Go to any comedy show if you don’t believe that profanity attracts and listen to what gets the biggest laughs.  Not just toilet jokes, but self-depreciating humor and reflections on the warped state of the world is somehow funnier when prefaced by several f***s thrown in the word mix.  Swearing adds nothing by way of content, but adds a boatload on enhancing delivery.

That comedy club laughter that you hear is an attraction and fascination for the taboo.  The nervousness that you feel is actually masking the guilt of enjoying the experience; luckily guilt is non-existent in the right environment, like when out for a night of entertainment.  Laugh freely at language you would blush to hear in any daytime context.

One thing is certain: profanity absolutely gets our attention.  When you really want to make a strong point, it can be easily strengthened, damn it!  Need it even stronger?  Drag it out – damn it to hell!  But don’t go overboard, or your brand will suffer.  A little profanity laced strategically in speech gets heads snapped to attention, especially when it’s infrequent.  Whoa, did you just say JC Superstar?

Cursing has a growing cultural acceptance.  The use of profanity in the office has been found to build co-worker relationships, to up the fun quotient, and to provide a channel to relieve stress. And in sub-cultures, it can be a necessity for group acceptance.  Every language has taboo words.

But what about the use of profanity in writing – does it have a role?  The short answer is no, there is no room for profanity in maintaining professionalism.  Now if you don’t care about your image… or, and there are some, if your brand purposefully includes swearing as part of your brand, and that works for you, then you have a reason.  But it’s still off-putting to many.  Refraining from swearing is never off-putting.

A 2011 study of 30,000 Facebook users found 47% have used profanity on their Walls.  Facebook is most appropriate for self-expression, with a FB personal page.  But today with Facebook moving more and more into the business space, the lines between personal branding and business branding are starting to blur.

Watch what you say.  Watch even closer what you write.

A recent WSJ article titled “Docents Gone Wild” outlined how many of the 10,000 Baby Boomers retiring every day for the next 14 years are volunteering as docents in the nation’s museums.

These aren’t just any mild mannered docents; these are the product of the rebel generation who grew up in a culture of resistance.  Recounting tales of some docents’ antics (killing live bugs for demo purposes anyone?) made for entertaining reading, along with some cringe worthy moments (that docent just called the tourist fat! And stupid!).  Well, where’s the surprise in their rogue anything-goes behavior, when you have a whole generation self-defining as individuals?  Really, did you expect all of them to simply do as they were told?  Some just can’t help themselves, and go just a nudge overboard, what… was it too much?

The major point is to understand generational differences when communicating with all people.  While everyone is different, still all generations can be broadly defined by traits of their age.  Of course no one can or should be pigeon-holed into a square box, but there are known generational traits based on shared experiences.  Recognizing each generation’s broad traits is important for effective communication.

Baby Boomers are split between the party-hardy career climbers of the ‘70s and ‘80s and the save-the-world revolutionaries of the ‘60s and ‘70s.  What defines this group is individuality, commitment to whatever they are doing, a desire to be involved, and a tendency to give (while seldom receive) their feedback to others; feedback which they like to give often and unsolicited.

BBs like to be in control, since their ideas are better than others, and they like to decide for themselves.  They are cynical and skeptical (hey, living through Watergate left a mark) about trusting things at face value.  Easy is better than pretty (easy care, less work to maintain – what’s not to love?)

The biggest deal for a Boomer is relief from stress (stop harping on me and making this docent work a drag!  I’m volunteering for god’s sake – lighten up on me!)  Boomers live in the “now” as most important, not the future and not the past.  They love their leisure, love surprises (all positive), and love the exciting adventure that is work.  They are self absorbed, love to spend, and value their uniqueness.  Their view is that you are successful for having won the birth lottery!

So how do you communicate with this generation, who may be your 50-70 year old colleague/co-worker/volunteer who is hard for a Gen Xer or a millennial to understand?  Give them positive praise to feel good about themselves.  Give them data to help them get over their skepticism.  Let them have control of their good ideas, and be sure to recognize the ideas as theirs.  Take the stress of worrying away from them; we’ve got you covered.  And please help out with the technology – which is loved but also regarded with suspicion (Will it disappear into cyberspace? Will it be reliable? Recall their basic skepticism…)

You will find in Boomers committed, enthusiastic workers who can have a strong impact and can make a big difference.  But trying to rein in these rebels the wrong way will crush their spirit and they will feel rebuffed, unappreciated and will simply walk away.  When this happens, no one wins.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself”…yeah, FDR, but that fear can be really hard to address or even to identify.

What is holding you back from greater success?  It’s fear.  You may know it, or you may not, but it’s there holding you back.

Name your fear – the big ones:

Fear of FAILURE, or its flip side: Fear of SUCCESS

Fear of BEING WRONG, a huge blow to our fragile self-esteem

Fear of NOT BEING LIKED, i.e. WANTING TO PLEASE EVERYONE

Our greatest fears are debilitating yet we dare not face them.  Why not?  Because living with your fear has become habitual.  It’s easy to live with the familiar, heck it’s actually comfortable, in a shouldn’t-be-but-just-is-the-way-I-am sort of way.

Deep down we may think that we want to address our fear to change it, but in reality moving out of your comfort zone can be just too painful to actually do.

Fear of failure – this fear keeps you frozen in place and not taking that action that you really want, which just doesn’t happen; how can it with your inner voice perpetually whispering that you’re going to fail, pointing out all the things that will likely go wrong and keeping you from ever risking outsized success.  With such negative self-talk you remain on the sidelines, too scared to take a chance on your bigger dreams.

Fear of success is the inverted version of fear of failure; if you succeed, many things will change and that’s really not what you want.  Deep down.  Oh, you claim to want to succeed, but by not actually doing what’s needed to actually succeed, nothing has to change.  It’s just talk, and talk without action is easy to dismiss.

Fear of being wrong – “Ha, I’m SO right”, “I TOLD you so!”, “I’m right, as usual.”

We all like to be right, but we fear being wrong more than wanting to be right.  This fear is hard to pinpoint, which makes it even more dangerous.  It’s the fear that sends you down the wrong road, but makes you too stubborn to admit the possibility of error.  This can cost big bucks, plus wasted time, effort and opportunity.  This is “the pig headed fear” of acting like you know all the answers and listening to no one else.  The fear of being wrong can really be crippling.

Fear of not being liked – trying to please everyone is impossible and can end up blowing up in your face as someone always ends up hurt or feeling slighted.  It’s just not feasible to be liked by everyone, yet we try, and try, and try some more.  We may offhandedly throw out an, “I don’t care what anyone else thinks”, which we may try to fool ourselves that we believe, but it’s simply not in our DNA to not care about others; we are empathetic by nature.  Everyone is social due to survival necessity; we want to be liked, to be part of the group.  Inclusion is a big driver.  Alienation feels terrible.  And when we displease others we risk being shunned, voted off the island, lonely – a fate worse than death.  We can’t live without the support of others.

I’m dating myself when I recall Sally Field accepting the Best Actress Academy Award for Coal Miner’s Daughter, to which she gushed on stage, “You like me, you really like me!”  Social affirmation just feels so good; we fear losing it.

What’s the cure to overcoming our fears so we don’t fall prey to them?  One technique is to make them concrete and specific.  It’s much easier to work with what’s tangible and known than what’s abstract and vague.  When you can nail down the fear, you can analyze it; you can’t get your arms around something that’s too general.  [A mental block falls into the latter category, which is a different animal from a fear.]

Another technique to smash through fear is to really listen to others; actively solicit the feedback of knowledgeable others.  Then act on that feedback, since you know that you really don’t have a corner on all the good ideas.

Getting control of your little inner whispers helps to reduce fear.  Reframe your thoughts from negative to positive.  No, everyone doesn’t talk about you behind your back and their laughter is not directed at you.  You may think you’re universally top of mind to everyone you come in contact with, but it’s just your insecurities talking.  No one notices all your flaws, I guarantee you.

But don’t go out of our way to be boorish either, which will put you in everyone’s doghouse, for a rather long time, if you allow yourself childish indulgences.

It’s not easy to face long-seated fears or to communicate our fears to others for their help and support in self-improvement.  But saying it aloud, acknowledging its existence is a good first step.  Then working on eradication is a foregone conclusion; not easy but worth the work, with success as a worthy by-product.

What big fear should you be addressing, keeping you from your greater success?

Taranaki, Australia was a nuclear bomb testing site from 1956-1963.  In April it opened as a tourist attraction.  Yep, some entrepreneur is charging tourists to walk the poisoned ground that the aborigines still avoid.

And not just testing little bombs – big bombs.  One was 27 kilotons, which surpassed what was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. With the half life of plutonium, this area won’t be fully naturally decontaminated for 24,000 years, but who’s counting?

The early visitors to the site had comments like, “I’m hoping to put my watch down to recharge, so it will glow every night for the rest of my life” and “We’re eating lunch literally 200 meters from where one of the bombs was let off, so there’s obviously some radiation issues…which I hope is minimal, but ask me again in 10 years.”  So deep down they know there’s a danger potential, but it’s not imminent, and maybe that’s the true attraction of the site.

Now I know some of you are thinking: If it wasn’t safe, the government wouldn’t allow it to be opened to the public, so it’s probably OK. 

And others of you have the opposite thinking: Even if it were deemed safe, which it’s not 100%, why take a chance?  You’re risking radiation poisoning to look at the ground?  Why?

I’m in the latter camp; I don’t get the attraction at all.  Any visitor to this new tourist ‘hot’ spot has a latent death wish.  There is absolutely nothing to see.  And to just have the honor to say you visited a nuclear testing site is worth zilch in my book.

However what I do find intriguing is the distinct relationship of this new activity and our universal ambivalence towards risk.  We all run towards and run away from risk, in varying degrees and depending on what is involved.

Understanding attitudes towards risk helps to understand people better, which leads to stronger communication and ability to relate.  Some people love risk – they don’t feel alive if they aren’t living close to the edge.  Mountain climbers – like my cousin still scaling the world’s highest peaks at 60+ years – sky divers, speed demons.  Ah the rush of adrenaline gives them such a high.  Looking death in the eye is the only way to live!

There are others who are scared of their own shadow, noises of any kind, and don’t even think about what’s down in the dark cellar.  The very thought of risk puts their teeth on edge.  They are the worriers of the world who take no chances and worry about everyone else taking unnecessary risks.  What’s to gain when there is so much to lose?  Why would you ever risk anything, simply for a thrill?  That’s madness.  And also stupid.

Risk comes from our Neanderthal roots, where all basic drives originated.   Back then risk represented either an opportunity (those red berries look delicious! and I’m hungry) or a threat (those red berries may be poisonous…and may kill my hunger permanently).  And to survive, risk had to be undertaken.  So adrenaline evolved in to make risk taking feel good enough to undertake.  A rush of adrenaline indeed feels great, almost invincible, with all that blood rushing to the extremities, geared up to do battle.

We just wish teenagers would lose some of that invincible feeling, which leads to too much risky behavior.  Parents of teens, grit your teeth and repeat after me: This too shall pass.

But too much adrenaline feels bad; nerves constantly on edge.  Ever ready to spring into action at the slightest provocation.  Can’t relax.  Bummer.  Turn it off. A little boredom would be welcome relief for these poor over wrought folks.

Today saber tooth tigers and wooly mammoths have been replaced by slot machines and smiling strangers.  Should you take the risk, or is this really risking it all?  What’s to be gained?  And can we step back enough from the shiny lights to think it though logically, without getting caught up in the sweep of emotion?

Risk taker or risk hater?  There are so many risky choices to be made – take the new job? Move? Loan a friend money?  Who you are and who your children will grow up to be is due in large part to environmental influences, which shapes attitudes towards risk.  Helping those you care about with their risk insecurities or outsized risky personalities is complicated.  Better to understand and accept them as they are rather than trying to change them, which can’t be done.

Is it safe?  More importantly: Why do you need it to be?