An excerpt from the blog of Judith Sherven, PhD – while reading, remember the kid(s) that the damaged adult is raising:
The Fear of Being Fabulous results from direct and/or environmental messages we pick up when we are way too young to be able to judge them as false, inappropriate, or even damaging.
Imagine how often these kinds of things are said to children, by the people who the young one loves and believes in: “Who do you think you are?” “You’ll never amount to anything.” “Why can’t you do that as well as your cousin?” “You’re always asking questions, it’s so annoying.” “People like us don’t go into that area.” “Know your place, the world doesn’t like upstarts.”
Were you and/or people you know on the receiving end of these kinds of behaviors that children receive from the people who are supposed to love them and have their best interests at heart:
– being hit for disagreeing
– made to sit at the table to finish food the child hates
– required to get perfect grades and punished even when they do
– ignored when in pain, crying, needing comfort
– drunk or drug-induced erratic, hostile, even crazy behavior
– fighting in front of the children, screaming, physically abusing each other
– snubbed or ignored when being outstanding while the parent demands attention all the time
These are just a tiny sampling of the kinds of messages that go into a child’s unconscious programming telling them what life is about and how they believe they should behave. Being fabulous — exhibiting excellence, owning authority, going through life with a confident identity — that’s forbidden. It’s dangerous. It’s unlovable.
And even when, as adults, we “outgrow” these messages consciously, the unconscious is still in charge. And The Doom Loop provides the punishment that is deserved — unconsciously of course.
COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: Oh! the damage we unintentionally do to the children we are raising, when we can’t help who we are based on how we were raised… Consciously knowing our limitations is a start in breaking the cycle.