The senior citizens living today are made up of the 70-90 year old Matures and the 90+ GI Generation who fought to save Democracy.  The Greatest Generation, as appropriately lauded by Tom Brokaw, are way past their heyday, but hey! – what a heyday it was!  We owe much to the currently 70+ now senior citizens who fought in WW II, lived through the Depression, and built the US into a great nation of prosperity.  While we owe them our deep gratitude, instead the Silent Generation is under-appreciated and overlooked.

Gerald still lives in his own home, married to his sweetheart of 60 years, Hazel.  They raised 4 strapping sons in the house they still live in today, small by today’s standards, but plenty roomy for their taste, then and now.

Their standards are modest because Gerald and Hazel were savers their whole lives.  Never ones to spend foolishly, the Great Depression taught them the value of money, and what’s really important in life.  They are part of the Last innocent Generation.

Their values include respect for authority figures, the importance of doing the right thing, love of community, strong sense of duty, and civic volunteering.

Unlike Gen Xers who do not value government and big business, this generation places great trust in established institutions which represent authority – i.e. law enforcement, hospitals, government entities, big corporations.

The best way to communicate with elderly parents, neighbors, friends and family is by valuing experience and wisdom – yours as well as the longevity of the idea being endorsed (read: new ideas and anything too technical are intimidating and confusing).  The message being communicated must align with their basic values or it will never be embraced.

As we wind down the series on the generations, note that each generation is a reaction to the generation that came before (their parents) as well as being shaped by the specific economic times experienced during their formative years.

And the traits that the generations share are intact for their entire life.  Boomers will always spend and not turn into savers when they become the age of the Matures.  Gen Xers will always be practical and cautious and not become as optimistic about the future when they become the age of Boomers. Millennials will soon rule the world, looking for the fun and entertainment value in everything that they do, along with others to do it with.  They and Gen Z are the future, as we all embrace the beauty of change which is growth and progress.

60-yr old Steve has such a hard time talking with his 36-yr old daughter.  “Her views are so ridiculous; she says one thing but then acts a totally different way!” he has complained on more than one occasion.  The topic could be gun control, politics, or freedom of speech – on every topic they stand distant poles apart.  What’s to be done to bridge this communication gap?

 Actually it’s Steve that needs to reframe his perspective, not necessarily changing his view to agree with her, but at least to admit that she has a right to her way of thinking.  The old maxim: different is not wrong, it’s just different, is very applicable. 

 If Steve were to give his daughter (a pragmatic Gen Xer) a chance to assert her opinion, maintaining respect for her point of view, they could converse more agreeably.  Instead each conversation is a torture, until eventually they stop conversing, each saying “I can’t talk to him! / She’s impossible to talk to!”

 Knowledge about the other generation can help to bring about desired change.  Knowing that the Boomer (Steve) loves to be in control (due to the skepticism created by the Watergate era), can work to make him think that an idea was his by showing him supporting data of the opposing side.  And knowing that a Gen Xer (the daughter) is very pragmatic and practical, can be brought around by combining old ideas in new ways.

With understanding, the generations can communicate with each other well enough; understanding that the generation gaps are just a desire for independence and identity.  When recognized as such and both sides maintaining respect, any gap that wants to be closed can be bridged.

Well, technically the label is ‘Baby Boomers’, but the Baby part is pretty unnecessary at this point, since members of this generation are currently 51-70 years old.  The reason for the label was the huge boom in births when WW II ended and the returning soldiers came home victorious and started families.  The Boomers were the largest generation in numbers ever, 40% of the population, and with them came boom times, so an apt label.

Your boss, your parent, your co-worker may be Boomers – they are still around in plentiful numbers, in the community and in the work force, although retiring in droves every year.  This generation is so large that the US economy anticipated and accommodated their needs, fueling much of the prosperity of the 50s, 60s and 70s.

From schools being built (many small neighborhood schools now empty and turned into condos), to the rise of Walmart (goods to stock all those growing households), to building construction (city apartments and suburbia) – economic growth tracked the Boomers’ needs for decades.  And now the focus is on pharmaceuticals (Boomers, the originators of the Youth Culture, now yearn to stay healthy and fight off signs of aging), travel/leisure activities (Boomers like to spend on themselves in their golden years), and assisted living/retirement communities.

So who are the Boomers?  Why are they the way they are?  How to best communicate with those feisty, independent, know-it-all control freaks? (sound like anyone you know?)

Looking in on Jim and Linda, a typical Boomer couple, tells much.  Ever since they were born, the country has experienced unprecedented opportunity, so they have unbridled optimism about future progress and earning power.  Jim and Linda have scant ‘rainy day’ savings, but Jim luckily has a sizeable 401K account – ‘forced’ savings that will be needed in retirement.

Jim met Linda in college.  He was a frat boy and she was Chi Omega – they both partied hard in the days of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Jim’s parents worked hard to hand him a debt-free education, which he considers a birthright.  Linda has a similar sense of entitlement about her success – given not earned is just fine.  Now what they both want is relief from a life of self-created stress, while still remaining in control.

They raised the ideal family, one handsome son and one beautiful daughter.  After two, they stopped – who had time for more children?  Jim had his golf, squash, and sailing; Linda was out straight with her tennis at the club, Pilates classes and the Junior League.  Little Bobby and Mary’s childhoods were barely noticed by their self-obsessed, career-obsessed parents; they grew up pretty self-sufficiently on their own.

Boomers are defined by their individuality.  It’s not one for all and all for one; it’s me, myself and I – without a common cause to strive for, they are pretty self-absorbed (oh those lofty self-improvement goals!). This lead to free spending, conspicuous consumption, and striving for all those pricey status symbols as outward signs of reaching the good life.  Or at least keeping up with the neighbors.

So you’re trying to understand that Boomer at work who baffles you with his apparent pigheadedness?  You need to work well together, so it’s worthwhile to try to learn more. The best way to communicate with a Boomer is not to box them into a catch-all category; they aren’t like everyone else.  They like to be involved, so keep them in the loop.  They love control; letting them maintain a semblance of control is important, without blatantly calling out their self-absorption.

Celebrate their vitality and youthfulness, which is a passion for some Boomers.  And help them with technology, which can make them feel threatened and insecure. Being independent-minded, they resist and resent asking for needed tech help, which hurts their productivity if they don’t get it.  They frequently give feedback to others, but seldom receive much feedback themselves.

They love work as an exciting adventure, but also look forward to leisure time as the point of life – and they are positively passionate about life. Complaining about bureaucracy at work is not a good idea – this generation created bureaucracies, so they believe in their merit.  They have a strong work ethic, high standards, a high sense of morality, and a strong commitment to the cause.

They also have a strong sense of self – self-reliant, self-serving, self-improvement – the world revolves around their own personal universe.  While everyone has a commitment to self as a means of self-protection, this generation lacked a common external force to gravitate towards and bond around, so the focus turned inward. They celebrate self and individuality as almost a religion.

No longer the major work force to be reckoned with, Boomers continue to have a sizeable impact on daily life.  Next time: the Silent Generation

Meet Jake.  He’s 43 years old, his hair is thinning and stress is taking a heavy toll on his features.  He mourns his diminished vitality, where did the years go?  All those millennials at work are hard to keep up, as he heads into full blown midlife crisis.  Maybe a new red sports car or taking up skydiving will help reclaim his lost youth.  Hey, isn’t 40 the new 20?! Jake is a typical member of Gen X.

America’s middle child, The Lost Generation, today’s 35-50yr olds are misunderstood by the other generations.  They are cynical on big business, big government, major institutions – why should they care?

Now as the Boomers retire in droves, Gen Xers are taking over the corner office in corporations and in government, and they are doing things differently now that it’s their turn.  Some of the changes are apparent in the shakeup playing out currently in the political arena today.  Kiss goodbye the good old days, when things fell into an understandable pattern; those days were a product of another time, never to return.

Who are the Gen X generation and how to best communicate with the new regime?

Gen X are the first latch key kids, street smart and skeptical as a matter of course.  Their Boomer parents were either divorced or career-obsessed, leaving them isolated and in daycares.  When they became adults, the prosperity bubble burst and reality set in: the economic gravy train was over, with corporate downsizing and unemployment of the ‘80s.

This is a generation that is cautious and pragmatic.  They know that you have to work hard to get what you want, and even then opportunity that is here today may not last through tomorrow.  Realistic to an extreme, they lack the unbridled optimism of their parents.

With a large burden of student debt, Gen Xers are in no rush to start adult life.  They are socially conscious, putting careers on hold for a cause they believe in.  Rather than reach for the stars, they strive to just have an impact, even if that’s on a smaller scale.  Save the neighborhood is more their thing; leave save the world for the millennials.

They marry later, are anxious to make their marriages work (to not repeat their parents mistakes) and have children later. It’s important for them to ‘be there’ for their children.  They are the helicopter parents that are exhaustingly present in their kids’ overscheduled lives.  These parents are achievement-obsessed with their children, maintaining full control of the many details.  Their kids are tirelessly doted on, to over-compensate for the lack of parental time spent in their own childhoods.

The best way to communication with Gen Xers is to appeal to their pragmatism, keeping the communication realistic as they are, which may involve combining old ideas in new ways.  Reduce, reuse, upcycle!  Celebrate their tech savvy-ness by using technology as the preferred channel of communication.

Also to be celebrated: DIVERSITY!  Not just nationalities, but also the blending of ideas, ways of thinking – no cookie cutter mentality for them.  With so many differences to celebrate, the integration and incorporation of multiplicities strengthens the whole.

Finally, it’s helpful to know their hot button: the value of hard work, as the avenue to success.  They believe that nothing is handed to you or just drops into your lap.  This generation’s entrepreneurial style knows that you have to put in the extra effort, pay your dues, labor in the trenches.  Work is a challenge, but a welcome one.

Understanding how a generation ticks, as a product of the times they lived through and as a reaction to their parents is one key component to effective communication.  Next in the series: BABY BOOMERS.

Millennials are now that largest generation, according to the latest census report released Jun 25, 2015, with 83.1 million 15-33 yr olds.  Yup the ‘echo boomers’ have surpassed the aging Baby Boomers (75.4 million) in sheer numbers alive today.   Teenagers, college students, young workers, they account for 25%, 1 in 4, of the US population.  You live with, work with, interact with millennials every day, so knowing how best to communicate with them is worth knowing.  And they have their own preferences when it comes to communicating.

Jodi and Jeremy are a typical millennials.  The have a young family, with not so typical names, as 60% of their generation feel that it is very important for a child’s name to be unique.  They are raising their kids to be more relaxed with their activities, not to be over-scheduled as they were as children.  Rather, their kids get to choose what they want, from a very young age, rather than have it dictated to them.

Jeremy works as an accountant at one of the Big Four Accounting firms, but rather than feel that he’s made it to his dream job at the top, he only plans to stay with the firm for a couple of years before looking to move.  It’s not important to him to be a business standout success; work flexibility and having work/life balance are the more than getting ahead.

They live in a culture where the expectation is that life is always on; the expectation is that they are always available 24/7 to family, friends, co-workers, bosses – and that’s fine.  They both live on their smartphones, texting more than talking.  Technology is everything – their main source of information, problem solver, support system, and harshest critic.  The alternate-reality of their lives on social media is as important and supportive as it is judgmental and demanding.

When Jodi shops, it’s likely to be online, where she has favored websites, but is not necessarily brand loyal.  She is flexible to try new things that her 500 Facebooks friends have recommended or that she has read positive reviews about (and she will check).  The internet of things offers instant access, but also information overload, which can be overwhelming.  The navigation is not a problem; the problem is balancing the time consumed to investigate so many options and choices with the other demands on her time.

So what’s the best way to communicate with, to reach a millennial?  Communicating with teens by way of conversation, communicating with co-workers on project collaboration, communicating with this market segment to around a product or service – how do you get your message through?

Follow the 15 Strongest MILLENNIAL Communication Rules of Thumb: 10 DOs and 5 DON’Ts

DOs – communicate with millennials…

– through the most current trending app – millennials are early adopters and drive the big names to become mainstream.  They anxiously await the latest technology innovations.

– via text (if you have their cell number) or email (which hits their cell) for the fastest response, utilizing the channel they prefer, which is visual, due to the huge impact of technology

– informally, as stiff formal language is so their parents and not as relatable (read: don’t worry too much about typos, occasional misspellings, punctuation errors)

– actively through social media, sharing content and liking their Facebook posts, which shows desired support, having positive online reviews for a product or service

– through activities/shared interests, as fun and play is important to being well-rounded

–  through optimism – they view the world as “anything’s possible”, great faith in progress, forward thinking

– through individuality – being yourself is of the highest value, self-express by trying new things . (read: break out new approaches, fresh ideas, etc.)

– through social consciousness, locally and globally – saving the world is a priority

– through fairness, consensus where possible, choice with full agreement by all on chosen path

– through greater diversity, low if any expectations on stereotyping of any kind, acceptance of all lifestyle choices

DON’Ts – with millennials, try to avoid…

– aligning with the goals of big business or government interests

– treating them like unknowing kids; they are more sophisticated then you realize

– boxing them in along traditional lines of thinking, don’t assume that they either fit a mold, nor want to

– expecting them to prioritize personal goals over social consciousness; yes they value individuality and self-expression, but they also highly value fairness, choice, consensus of the greater good

– being inflexible in dealing with them, they will walk away if flexibility is not available

The key to communicating with millennials is an approach that is fresh, innovative and unique instead of using traditional, old and stale methods and ideas.  Rather than extolling the virtues of ‘tried and true’, millennials are more apt to think of such as ‘old school’, dated, no longer relevant or useful.

Enjoying these bright young minds in our midst, with much to offer, can be easy, now that you know how.

Next time: communicating with the 35-50 yr old set – GEN Xers, ‘The Lost Generation’.

Leave a comment about this generation if you are a milllennial, or your interaction with them if not.

Is there a Generation Gap?  Ah, that catchall term that dumps confusion between people of different ages into the broad bucket of “I just don’t understand that other generation” [‘today’s crazy kids’, or ‘old geezers’, depending on your perspective] with the unstated: “and I don’t want to understand them!”

Oh definitely, the generations can be mentally worlds apart, since we are all greatly influenced and defined by our times; we can’t help but not be.  While some individuals break out of the mold, most of us are a product of our times.  And those times fall into rough generational chunks. Each generation shapes the world to their image, leaving their unique mark.

What? – Millions of strangers who don’t all know each other can have a similar image?  Collectively, yes, that’s what happens, with peer identification.  Just look to fashion, language, and music as examples.  We need like-minded others to go on the great journey of life with, to make the trip more enjoyable.

Prior to the 20^th century the generations weren’t as blatantly defined as they are today because the times didn’t change as rapidly, especially in the large established cultures outside of the US.  For years and years the lives of our forebearers pretty much ran their course along routine lines.  Call it dull, or call it comforting – life was predictable.

The current labeling of generations in the US started with the GI Generation or The Greatest Generation, born at the turn of the century (1901-1926).  They were the most revered and fascinating generation ever.

The Big One – WW II – was really a defining time and everything shifted from there.  Those born before or during WW II are called The Silents or The Matures (1927-1945).  They knew the war intimately. Then when all those soldiers came home, the Baby Boomers were born (1946-1964), the largest generation in history.

The Boomers birthed the Gen Xers (1965-1981), a latch key generation with career-obsessed, often divorced parents.  Those careers got in the way of big families, so Gen X is a smaller generation.

Then along came the Information Age in full bloom to replace the Industrial Age.  And with the Digital Age came the Millennials (1982-2004?).  Those smiling baby faces don’t know an existence without technology.

[The newest generation, Gen Z, are too young to discuss an impact – yet.]

So why should we take note of the different generations – aren’t people just people?

It’s important to understand generational differences because of the impact on ideas, values and beliefs.  When communicating with different ages, the approach, the method of presenting new ideas, the understanding of the forces that shaped their worldview, can and should vary depending on who they are.

Meeting people where they are in this one dimension, showing an appreciation of a way of thinking that helps defines a person, is a good channel to bridge the very real generation gap.

Over the next series of post the subject covered will be each generation, one at a time, delving into the highlights of how that is done – how to best communication with each generation as defined above, on their own terms.

Up next time: MILLENNIALS – they’re all around in droves, let’s communicate with them effectively!

Comment on the Generation Gap.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything” is actually the opposite of reassuring – this statement causes the person to start to worry.

“Don’t tell anyone about this.”  Yeah, do you think that will really happen?

“Don’t bother me with that nonsense” – too late; you’re going to be bothered.

“Don’t be late…” and now I’m thinking about being late or how late I’m going to be; all the things that may inadvertently cause me to be late, even if I don’t want to be.

And the classic trick “Don’t think about a pink elephant” which causes you to immediately think of exactly that.

So why does ‘don’t’ work this way?  It seems that the word ‘don’t’ makes us do the opposite of what is intended.  Actually, not the opposite, just the tangible.

What happens is that the brain processes what it knows in pictures to create a visual reality; the word ‘don’t’ is one of those words* that cannot be visually pictured.  There is no picture that represents ‘don’t’.  So when the brain is stumped, it goes to the nearest word that can be pictured and acts on visualizing that instead.

(*Other words that can’t be pictured are words like ‘think’, ‘understand’, ‘agree’, ‘get’, etc.  When ‘don’t’ is used in combination with one of these similarly unable to be pictured words, as in “I don’t think so” , “I don’t understand you at all”, “I don’t agree”, “I just don’t get it” then no ‘opposite’ effect happens, since there is nothing able to be pictured.)

Don’t is impossible to picture, whereas that pink elephant is quite easy to picture.

“Don’t tell anyone” … Hmmm, who can I tell, that maybe I shouldn’t?

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone” – Oh, now I’m really worried!

As for “Don’t bother me” better to say: “Stop bothering me”, since ‘stop’ can be pictured.

Parents tend to ‘don’t’ their kids incessantly: Don’t go near that! Don’t pick your nose!  Don’t wipe your hands on your clothes!  Don’t hang around with so-and-so!  Don’t act up while I’m out! Don’t disappoint me.  Don’t be bad.  Don’t, don’t…don’t…

Don’t say ‘don’t’ without thinking about what you’re saying.

Now that you know this concept, plan to use ‘don’t’ strategically in your communication, to be most effective.

How can you use ‘don’t’ strategically? Here are some ideas –

“Don’t rush” should help to speed things along. (But don’t go overboard and add “take all the time you need” unless you really mean it and time is not a concern.)

“Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just blending in with the woodwork” should get you some attention (and we all crave being noticed at some level).

“Don’t worry about me” when you want to be fussed over a bit.

“Don’t rock the boat” when the boat needs rocking; needs someone to think about shaking things up a bit (but not when boat rocking is undesirable).

Watch out for big blanket statements like: “I don’t scare easily”, “Me, fail?  I don’t fail” – as these kind of statements set up for the stated behavior to be top of mind. (Now I’m thinking about scaring you.  And I can picture you failing…)

Have fun in your communications with your new understanding and more careful usage of ‘don’t’.  As for other words that can trip you up, don’t worry about how you may be unintentionally coming across – I’ve got you covered in future posts!

The Donald enjoys being in the limelight for many antics that nary a politician ahead of him would dare to do.  Because of his blunt tell-it-like-it-is personality, he has quite the bully reputation.

And like most bullies, The Donald doesn’t especially care whether he offends or whether he is actually liked.  Oh he certainly wants votes, he wants to be top in the polls, but that is a far cry from being liked, which he probably considers too soft for his rough ‘n tough image.

The classic bully gains popularity by dominating and controlling his peers (in the bully’s mind they are actually subordinates, as he thinks he has few peers).  He rises up to the top of the pack through aggression, which makes him popular but not necessarily well liked.

The political strategy Trump is using is an interesting, albeit unusual one, that none have tried before him.  He is not unintentionally making language errors or bothered by his asides being caught by the media. The fine-tuned barbs are calculated to land with maximum effectiveness. He does all this under the premise of letting his authenticity show through, even if it’s not a likable persona on display.  Why should he care, when it’s working so well?

Trump welcomes the opportunity to knock his rivals off kilter, which throws them for a loop.  The ensuing controversy is part of the plan to gain the attention he seeks.  This strategy certainly gets and keeps him in the headlines.

Just like a child who acts out to gain attention, negative attention is better than no attention at all.  Gaining attention is a basic need – we humans simply can’t be ignored.  We believe that we are all on this earth for a reason – to have some sort of impact gives life meaning; being ignored says that we don’t matter.

But putting politics aside, the real issue is BEING LIKABLE.  Most of us cringe at the thought of being actively disliked, which could lead to having fewer friends, or even being shunned.  The practice of group shunning is embraced noticeably by the Amish and it’s devastating.

To be cut off from all communication from the only people that you know and care about, to be treated as invisible is the epitome of loneliness.  We are such social creatures; few of us would choose to live alone.  Not just because of loneliness, we’re not built to live solitary lives. We need the cooperation of others for our survival, which makes us predisposed to be social.

In the world of communication, being likable is THE key ingredient in success.  Oh sure, you can be ‘successful’ by slaving away in a dungeon for years and emerging with an amazing new invention that will change the world, but there’s a one in bazillion chance of that actually happening.

In truth we live in the real world where people who are liked are trusted and are enjoyable company. We like being around people that we like, and choose their company over others, giving them our business more often than not. The likability factor has the greatest impact in determining business success, more important than experience and knowledge, when push comes to shove. Yeah I know that this shouldn’t be true, yet it is the reality.  Given the choice, we patronize people we like.

So why is Donald Trump’s bad boy strategy so successful?  Most of us have a distaste for the political process so it’s fun to see a maverick turning the tables on the establishment.  Trump becomes an unlikely underdog to root for, the outsider who is shaking up the old system.  His antics may please many fans, but no one really wants to act like him in their own behavior.

Far our part, let’s all be likable and pleasant in our personal communication, the best path to our own good success, and leave Donald Trump to his own amusement, which will likely end badly.

Which one is stronger, more powerful, and should be the word of choice between these two every time, when making a request?

Well, we use ‘want’ all the time, don’t we?

“I want you to do X”,

“I want to see some changes around here!”,

“I want this taken care of right away”,

“I really want a new job”,

“I want…” etc, etc, and on it goes.

Sounds like it’s all about me and my wants, doesn’t it?  That’s because it IS all about me, when I declare “I want” – a very self-centered, childish lament.  Want comes from that young toddler place where we all once were (and probably long to go back to), when the world centered around us and our needs, or at least in our small minds we were the center of the universe.  And we cried, “But I WANT it (that shiny new toy)!!” or “I WANT to [do that denied behavior]!”  As if just wanting anything could make it happen.

In the adult world it’s still true; we somehow think that “want” has a special pull, and just asking for it will hopefully (magically) make it happen!  Think again.  Our wants may or may not hold sway with the other person.

The alternate word to ‘want’ that does have pull is ‘need’.  How much more powerful are the same utterances, simply changing out ‘want’ with ‘need’:

“I need you to do X”,

              “I need to see some changes around here!,

              “I need this taken care of right away”,

              “I really need a new job.”

Where does ‘need’ gain its power from?  For that answer, look to Maslow’s hierarchy theory on motivation.  In a nutshell, his theory is that motivations move through a tiered pattern (as pictured above) and all lower tiered motivations must be met to reach the higher levels.

At the very base level are physiological needs: food, water, shelter, sleep, breathing, etc.  When the basic drives are lacking, there is no motivation to move up the chain to the higher levels.  These basic drives can be thought of as base survival needs.

When you say, “I need you to help me out tomorrow” you are appealing at this very basic level, which most people understand and are more apt to comply with (we are social creatures and care about the needs of others).

“I want you to help me out tomorrow” does not have the same appeal – and I probably want to spend my time tomorrow doing something else!

Don’t forget to make the word switch in your self-talk too… when you catch the little voice in your head saying “I want to exercise”

                              “I want to eat more cake”

                              “I want to stop being late”

                             “I want to [whatever]” should change to

“I need to exercise (my future health depends on it)”

“I need to eat more cake (stop! really? Is that really true?)”

“I need to stop being late (because of the repercussions my lateness inflicts on others)” as much more powerful to self-motivate.

Language is a huge factor in behavior.  Having language tools leads to greater and easier success.  Other word choices will be covered in future posts.

It’s rather simple, perhaps simplistic, to state that everyone wants the same thing, but it’s true.  How can this be when people are all so different from each other, with no two people exactly alike?   While it’s a fact that everyone is a unique individual and no two people are exactly alike, those differences are at the micro level; differences in experiences, unique perceptions, individual personality quirks.

But at a very basic level, we are all alike by virtue of our shared humanity, which is wired to be social.   The one thing that absolutely everyone alive wants from other people – it is to be noticed.   Ah, to feel valued by at least one other person is a basic inherent desire.

Pretty simple really.   While it sounds rather simple, it has a huge impact – on happiness, on confidence, on success in life.

We just all want to be heard, have an impact, feel like our life counted for something.  No one wants to be overlooked, ignored, made to feel like they are less than important, actually immaterial.  Leaving a legacy when we die, that our life mattered, even if it was just having an impact on a single person, is important to everyone.

By virtue of being born, every person alive is special.  But not everyone feels special.  And therein lies the biggest block to happiness.  While we may think that the unhappy people in the world do it to themselves, it’s really other people that contribute to a person’s unhappy state.  We are all hard wired to be social beings, live in communities, heavily dependent on others; we crave the attention of others for our happiness.  Loneliness is a terrible thing.  Which is not about being alone; loneliness is the state of missing the company and interaction of other people.

When someone is made to feel small, inconsequential, overlooked, as is often done to children, of course they look for negative attention.  It’s all about getting noticed, in whatever way works.  Negative attention is better than no attention at all.

The number 1 complaint workers have on the job is being overlooked.  Not pay.  Not bad bosses.  Not the work.  Being ignored ranks in the top spot.  The average worker feels like they put in a good effort day in and day out and the boss ignores them with hardly a word or a glance.  A bit of attention and specific praise goes a long way towards employee engagement and morale.  Without it, there is little loyalty (lack of caring swings both ways), lower productivity (why try harder when your efforts go unnoticed?), higher absenteeism (with a hard cost impact on profits).

If you doubt the importance of being heard, listen to all the expressions we use every day that reinforce the point:

“I was right – I knew it!”

“I said NO!”

“I told you so, but you wouldn’t listen!”

“I know you didn’t ask, but here’s what I think”

“In my opinion, you should never have… that was your first mistake.”

I, I, I…  every ‘I’ a plea to  be noticed, a need to be made to feel important, a voice standing up to be counted.

Remember this whenever you’re dealing/communicating with others.  Consider their universal need to be noticed.  If you go out of your way to include others, notice what they are doing that’s positive and making specific comment on their behavior, ask their opinion, make mention of their good traits you will be highly regarded and well liked.

This skill comes easily to some and needs to be acquired by others.  Just knowing that everyone desires some level of attention, doesn’t want to be overlooked, then acting on that knowledge is a good start.

Let’s see…whose day can you brighten today?

With many cultures mixing in the American workplace today, there are bound to be some clashes caused by cultural differences, even though culture is usually not recognized as the culprit.

When you hear an accent, you consciously know that the person is not a native.  While language itself can be a fluency issue, beyond the literal language, communication can also be hampered by misunderstood or unknown cultural issues.

Here’s a real situation: a manager has a good worker from Bosnia who he is sending out on a pickup job.  The worker requests a seemingly idle companion to ride along.  The manager declines sending 2 out on the job with the reply, “You can handle it.”  The worker is upset for months by this exchange and other similar ‘incidents’ that occur,eventually reporting to the manager’s boss that he and the manager can’t get along; he feels disrespected and is ready to quit.  The company is about to lose a good, trained, dedicated worker needlessly.

This situation is typical of what happens when there is a cultural clash and little understanding on both sides of the other person’s cultural point of view.

The manager thinks: What’s the problem?  He’s very capable, which is what I essentially told him, and he can certainly do the job easily alone.  He should know that I’m not going to waste 2 people on a job for 1.  How is this even an issue worth discussing?  The guy is obviously oversensitive.

The worker thinks: Why wouldn’t he send company to ride along with me?  That other guy wasn’t doing anything anyway, so he might as well tag along, which gives him something to do.  The manager doesn’t like me, so I don’t like him.

Sounds childish, I know, but this is what happens.  Thoughts and emotions like these expressed on the inside are rarely spoken out loud.  Until it happens once too often, then the top blows, tempers flare, and someone quits or is fired.  The company loses a good worker, the worker loses a good job, and no one really knows why it happened.

So how are cultural communication issues fixed and whose job is it to fix it?

Resolving the problem lies with the manager, whose skill set should include understanding worker’s needs, including attempting to understand the effects of cultural differences.

The language problem, aside from fluency (which is to understand the words themselves as spoken with an accent) is that non-native speakers take words very literally.  When someone says something, new learners assume that the speaker means what they say.  “You can handle it” – means just that, a statement of fact, which he indeed knows that he can handle the job, no question on that.

But English to native speakers is very figurative, not meant to be taken exactly literally; English is very nuanced, which native speakers all understand, but non-native speakers often do not understand all the subtle nuances, the meaning underneath the words.  “You can handle it” is a compliment that figuratively means, “I have confidence in your ability; I’m complimenting you on your competence.  I recognize that you are very capable and don’t need help.”

So language issues aside, what about the differing cultural perspective?

The American culture is one of strong independence.  People who are successful on their own are admired for their solo achievement.  Our superstar heroes all achieved greatness by their singular hard work, self-sacrifice, or expertise – all strong American values.  Americans don’t ask for help until they’ve tried it first and come up short.  An offer of help beforehand can be interpreted as a lack of confidence in ability, an insult that is usually initially rebuffed when the help offer is unsolicited.

Other cultures value teamwork and the sociability of working together.  They don’t necessarily understand a strong independent spirit because that’s not what they value.  And values are heavily influenced by culture.

When interacting with people, co-workers, colleagues from other cultures, it’s really helpful to consider the cultural differences that will hamstring effective communication.  And remember the differences between literal English (what is actually said) versus figurative English (what is meant).  It can be challenging for non-native speakers to pick up the shades of nuance in English, which can make a world of difference.

Have a comment, from either side of this?