We love to diagnose whenever we hear something – deciding in advance what the person’s problem is, usually before they even ask for a solution.  This rampant practice is a big roadblock to communication.

Playing amateur therapist where we think we already know what the person’s problem is, or amateur detective probing for unconscious motives and/or hidden agendas –both impede good communication.

Teen:               I flunked the math test again.  I just don’t get math.

Parent:            The reason your grades aren’t better in school is because

                        you watch too much TV and don’t study enough.  

Teen:               So who asked for your opinion anyway?

One alternative communication method to diagnosing is to ask open-ended questions, which provides space for the adolescent to explore his thoughts without being hemmed in.

An open-ended question does not lead to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer and should be designed to help her clarify her own problem, rather than provide unsolicited information (i.e. your opinion) to the asker.  By asking open-ended questions the parent can better understand the child without directing the conversation.

Open-ended questions should be asked one at a time, focusing on the perspective and concerns of the child.  Sometimes these questions are statements.

            Teen:               I flunked the math test again.  I just don’t get math.

            Parent:            What is it about math that you don’t get?

            Teen:               How can you help?  What do you know about this new math anyway?

            Parent:            Try me.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  There are many roadblocks to good communication, with ‘diagnosing’ as one of the big ones.  While it’s hard to change language and thought patterns that automatically pop out, it can be done with conscious effort and practice.  To stop the bad habit of diagnosing the other person unsolicited, simply think before you speak.  It’s really that simple.  It’s also really hard to change.  Then re-word that diagnosis with an open-ended question instead.  Your communication with your child will benefit if you diagnosis yourself as guilty of having this habit and changing it.

  Many parents feel that they have to be critical or their children will never improve.  If you don’t judge you children they will never become the good upstanding adults that you want them to be.  As their first and most influential teachers, how will children learn if they are not criticized?

For some parents, criticism becomes a way of life.  These types are on a constant fault-finding mission, under the banner of just wanting their children to develop into good people.

What their children hear instead is: “you’ll never be good enough”, “try though you might, you will never measure up”, “you’re a disappointment“.  These children struggle to please their parents and their self-esteem plummets under the pressure.  Some children give up entirely and stop trying to reach a bar that seems impossibly high.  They either do so defiantly (“I’ll show him!”) and resentfully or passively and submissively (“I’m just a loser“).

“Sit up straight.  You’re always slouching.”

“Can’t you dress properly?  What you’re wearing looks terrible.”

“You’re gaining some weight.  You need to exercise more.”

“What did you do this time?”

There is actually no place for criticism with children, even so-called ‘constructive criticism’.  When parenting, language should be worded so that the child hears the proper message and doesn’t take it as a personal assault on them, which criticism always is.

“It’s better for your back and shoulders to sit up straight.  There is less strain on your muscles when you do so.”

“This is a bit of a special occasion.  Let’s make it fun by changing into some different clothes.”

“With the good weather coming it might be fun to get outdoors more.  How about joining me for a walk?”

“Want to talk about what happened?”

We think teens are hell-bent to break all of our rules and run wild, but actually they appreciate the rules when they understand the reason behind them.  Parents need to be willing to explain why the rules and boundaries exist and that the rules not appear arbitrary (“Because I said so”, my father’s favorite expression, is not a reason).   When the teen comprehends the reasons behind the rules themselves, they may not like the rule, but understanding the rationale for it is important.

Even better is to discuss the reason for the rules with the teen and get their input, which makes them feel respected and part of the process.   By bringing kids in on the process of setting rules and consequences right up front supports the rules that both sides agree to abide by, before they can enjoy the privileges attached.

Often teens feel like parents are trying to “control me for no reason” or “keep me under the thumb” and when parents are questioned they get irritated to have their authority questioned.  Teens also believe that when parents can’t think of a reason for their rule, don’t just say no.  Parents usually do have a good reason for the rules they set, which involves true caring of perceived danger, but when teens don’t understand the reasons, there ensues a clash of wills.  Explaining the ‘why’ behind boundaries and decisions help kids ‘own’ those reasons for themselves.

There is no need to apologize for asserting authority but that authority should be exercised in ways that build and nurtures a sense of personal responsibility.  Kids will always make mistakes and step outside of the rules in their search for freedom at all costs.  By demonstrating understanding, compassion, and support when mistakes happen helps them learn from those mistakes.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: Parents need to take charge in a way that teens can respect and hopefully lessen those inevitable clashes of will, instead of caving in when the teen cries, “That’s a stupid rule!” and refuses to follow it.  Commonly parents are reactive and find themselves running from one fire to another, instead of getting out in front of the process and being proactive.  When parents spend the extra effort to implement a ‘take-charge plan’ they reduce their overall stress.  In this way, parents step up to their responsibility and maintain discipline without excessive fighting.   

Kids grumble and complain, sometimes fight intensely, against parental discipline boundaries. But deep down they know and want a firm and loving adult hand who is in charge. They really do want to have authority exerted in order to help them develop their own capacity for responsibility.  What they don’t want is a parent who dictates random rules just to be able to “show who’s the boss”.

When I was growing up my father, who was in the military for 20 years, expected blind obedience from my sister and I, who he adopted late in his life.  He had the arbitrary rule structure which just was, without the ability to question anything.  His favorite response when his authority was questioned with the “why?/why not?” question was, “Because I said so, that’s why!” which was absolutely infuriating.  Without solid reasoning to gain an understanding of the rationale behind his decisions, I grew into a teenager (and subsequent adult ) that questioned authority, which wasn’t very popular with my teachers and other administrators.  That practice contributed to my difficult teenage years, on top of other difficulties.

In just a few short years your teen will be in charge of his own life and needs the training today to help her tomorrow.  Teens know that they have not completely learned how to discipline themselves yet and that they need (and want) responsible parents to set and hold boundaries for them.

Parents who set reasonable rules, who get to know their friends and where they hang out, who create family time, who stay involved in their interests show that they care.  Parents who hang out with them, buy them anything they want, let them do and go wherever they want, and don’t bug them about rules are doing their kids a great disservice.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Tailor-make your parenting -treat each child as the individual but they are.  Know your kid’s unique character and gear the consequences of behavior that needs correcting to that unique child, instead of using a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.   Recognize that the loss of certain freedoms (being grounded, doing heavy chores, losing the car privileges, Internet, activities, etc.) means more to some kids than to others; know your child and base your boundaries accordingly.  

Busy working parents have limited time with their kids. Since they may not be around as much as they would like, when they are home they don’t want to ruin the precious hours by fighting.  Plus they are tired and often stressed from work.  It’s just so easier to let things slide and not be the ‘heavy’:  “I’m only home a little, so let’s not pick a fight.”  But from the child’s point of view, when largely absent parents are physically present in the house and are not parenting, they aren’t really there.  Quality of time versus seat time really makes a difference when parenting.

Parent should be willing to pick a fight when they need to and hold on firmly to the reins of authority, which can result in transforming teen defiance.  “You’re grounded” “So?” “You just added a week to it” “So?” “Keep it up and it will be another month.” “So?” “You got it. Your move.”  Where does the teen go from here, effectively boxed into a corner, and he knows that it’s all his fault.  He had the control and he let his defiance take over.  He won’t make that mistake again.

When holding your ground, know to expect emotionalism and testing from your teen, but remember not to get sucked in – remain calm – do not allow the emotionalism – the crying and gnashing of teeth, or the anger and name calling – to get to you.   By remaining calm it helps the teen to calm down.  By getting sucked in and replicating the behavior with your equally highly charged words and actions, the situation escalates, often out of control.  Now you have a volatile situation on your hands that can go nowhere good.  One side says or does something regrettable, and the side could be you, and now yet another battle rages.  And deep down the teen is scared because when the adult ‘loses’ it, no one is in control.  “Is mom going to remain in control and stay calm even when I’m feeling out of control, or is she going to get all upset?”  He needs you to maintain control since he knows that he can’t.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Instead of getting sucked in, remain calm while you continue to take charge and enforce boundaries.  Remember that there is no punishment that will make the teenager not feel rebellious angry – rebellion is just the natural response to being punished.   Teens are desperate for freedom, and punishment limits some facet of that freedom.  Of course they rail against the limitation.  It’s perfectly okay for kids to be angry with us – the parenting job is not to produce happy teens, but to produce well-adjusted responsible future adults.  And that is a process that is painful at times, requiring consistent diligence to do the job well.  Are you up for the challenge?  Hopefully you are because your teen is really counting on you to be.

When I was merely 23, I had been married for 4 years, had a professional job, a newborn baby, owned a house, 2 cars, 2 dogs and 1 cat.  Certainly way too much responsibility for two still adolescents (my hubby was the same tender age), but back then who knew?  And the big question my still developing adolescent brain was wondering was, “Who am I?  What am I supposed to be doing in this world? Why am I here?”  Yes, I was playing house, playing mom, playing grown-up – all with decidedly real ‘toys’ – yet I continuously wondered who I really was. (And would I be discovered as a fake?)

Today we know so much more than we knew a few decades ago. We know that the adolescent brain continues developing well beyond the teenage years, so older teens and young 20-something adults are not fully equipped to make truly rational decisions – they just don’t have the cognitive ability yet to do so. But they certainly think they do – how can you know what you don’t know?

The question of identity and who you will turn out to be, developing into your unique self, is a big part of adolescence.  While this process develops sooner for some and later for others, it is a process that every adolescent must go through. And it necessarily must involve a pulling away from parents, often in painful ways, as the person embarks on this internal and uniquely personal journey.

We try to spare our children so much pain that we know they will face soon enough in the harsh real world, but we can’t grow up for them.  They must do this alone, even though we may want to hold their hand through the rough spots.  But in true independent form, they don’t want our hand and often won’t take it when it’s offered.  This feels like rejection, but it’s really quite natural.  “Why won’t he let me help him??” you wail.  “It would be so much easier for her, but she just won’t take my help!”  Of course she won’t – you forget that you represent all that she has ever known, the familiar, yes the kind, the comfortable.  But to become an independent entity separate from you, which he must do, he necessarily must reject your help and forge his own unique path.

It takes some adolescents a very long time to figure things out, much to the impatience of their parents.  “When I was your age, I was blah, blah, blah…”  forgetting that it is a unique journey, and adolescence lasts much longer than previously recognized.  For some, it can go to 30 years old until the brain is truly fully formed in rational capacity.  Meanwhile life ticks on and many serious decisions are made.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  The ‘foolishness’ of youth, brought on by the brain not being fully developed for 100% rational thinking, lasts much longer than previously recognized, so forgive them these years.  Also forgive them for not recognizing what they don’t know about themselves and not taking your help.  The best way to help them is to have the kind of relationship where they let you in to be the rational brain they are lacking, by asking pointed questions to get them to consider things they would otherwise overlook and not consider.  This ‘bouncing ideas’ off of you is the best help you can give, which lets them decide, with a little pointed guidance in their thinking.

In surveys, most teens (+90%) label themselves as “good kids”, yet also admit to doing several stupid things at least once.  Who among us adults can’t point to doing at least one, probably more than one thing that was questionable during the teen years?  Lying is nearly universal and cheating is a pretty close second.

Almost half of the self-labeled “good” kids confess to having done more than just experiment with trouble, admitting to committing one or more serious offenses (drinking, using drugs, wild partying, sneaking out, having sex, stealing, driving at scary speeds) three or more times

Parents need to open their eyes to the reality of what’s “normal” in their kid’s world.  So many parents simply don’t want to hear or believe bad things about their children.  Being naive is unrealistic and delusional.  “Parents are so clueless sometimes… they think their daughter is an angel because she’s cute and friendly but they don’t see what she’s really like when she’s partying.”  Parents need to be involved in their kids’ lives and not put up blinders, taking the easy route.

Kids also delude themselves by downplaying and rationalizing their behavior, by seeing themselves as good even when their behavior isn’t “Yeah, I’m a good kid – I’m not on drugs or in jail am I?”  They delude themselves and rationalize their actions largely to spare their parents. “My parents would have a heart attack they could see the things I do when they’re not around, and I’m certainly not about to tell them.”  Nor are those parents going to go looking.  While parents don’t want to see the truth, in reality, it doesn’t change much to know, since experimenting with ‘off’ behavior is part of the growing process that all kids have to go through.

I fully admit to lying profusely and cheating on more than one occasion, among the lesser of my teenage evils.  So why do adolescents, good kids, do dangerous things?  For one thing, they truly feel like they are invincible, that no harm can come to them.   Other teens may have been unlucky, but nothing is going to happen to them.  Second, there is an urgent need to experiment, figure things out for themselves, on the road to self-identity and discovering their true selves.  They desperately want to be their own person, but how will they know who that is unless they take some risks outside of their comfort zone?  We used to call it ‘sowing wild oats’, the details of which are probably best left unknown to parents while they’re happening.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  So what can concerned parents do?  To keep kids safe from dire experiments parents should absolutely be aware of where their kids are and what they’re doing, which serves to prevent much of the worse behavior if they think they can’t get away with it. Consulting with other local parents is also helpful, to compare notes.  Don’t worry if you get accused of spying for checking up on them – don’t get drawn into the “you don’t trust me” syndrome.  The response to that is, “Whether I trust you are not has nothing to do with it. I trust that you want to do the right thing but I’m going to check up on you anyway, because I don’t trust everyone else will do the right thing.  I know that it’s easy to be tempted to do foolish things, to get caught up in situations beyond your control. Regardless of how uncomfortable it may make you feel, protecting you is simply part of my job.”  Deep down they will (silently and perhaps much later) thank you for caring.

My neighbor is a teacher of tweens.  She shared a strategy that she claims works every time with her students when she wants to get a student to self-admit to bad behavior.  Here is her strategy:

Situation: Teacher sees Joe and Jim accusing each other of doing the same bad behavior .

Teacher to Joe:  I know what you did. [She doesn’t know and doesn’t name anything specifically]

Joe:  I didn’t do it!

Teacher:   Well since you didn’t do it, you must feel so bad that Jim is accusing you of doing something that you didn’t do… Jim must not like you very much to be saying this about you.

Joe:  I really did do it. [change of heart]

[If Joe is truly innocent of the behavior and doesn’t self-admit guilt, then she has the same conversation with Jim, who then admits his guilt.]

Notice that this successful strategy does not involve any threats, dire consequences or mention of punishment.  And by getting the guilty party to self-admit, they then own their behavior, and whatever consequences are forthcoming.

So let’s analyze this technique –

1)      She does initially accuse without being specific of the action, allowing the student’s imagination take over.

2)      She is patient and waits for the expected response, without jumping in with “So would you like to tell me why you do it?” or any pending punishment.

3)      She accepts rather than refutes the denial, but then cleverly uses a psychological tactic incorporating peer acceptance and social standing in reverse

4)      The pressure of a peer being unfairly penalized for telling the truth is enough to get the guilty student to confess

Several things are at work that drives this successful strategy to get compliance with minimal effort and no fight.  For one thing, kids have an innate sense of fairness.  In an unfair world, they still hold out hope that there is honor among their own.  At least the good kids do, and most kids are basically good.  They may not mind cheating the system, or shortchanging an adult (who they think deserves it), or scamming faceless society in general, but when an innocent one of their own is going to take the blame, that decency kicks in.

Another factor is that we all feel closer to a situation when the victim is close by.  When you know who is involved, my name, or face, or both, the heartstrings are engaged.  It’s the same tactic fundraisers use to put a face to famine in Africa.  You are more apt to donate when you see the young faces then when you hear emotionless statistics of starvation.

Peer acceptance is hugely important with kids.  But using this ‘against’ them can work well to gain good behavior.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  There are easy and creative ways to elicit desired behavior with adolescents, sometimes by going in through the back door instead of the front door, to gain the good results without a fight.

What is your rule structure?  What rule structure is best for your child’s growth and development?  By ‘rule sructure’ I’m not referring to the family rules that you have established for your household; this is the internal rule structure that you use to gain what you want in life, an important part of how you operate, which impacts how you communicate with your others, including your children.

A typical rule pattern is a ‘my rules for me/my rules for you’ (my/my) in which the person has rules for themselves and for others. My/my parents willingly communicate their rules to their children (to everyone actually) because they think that people are similar and what is good for them will also suit other people. When raising kids this is often the most appropriate mode to be in.

“If I were you, I would…”

“Don’t do that!”

”Don’t touch that!”

“Sit up straight”

The next most typical pattern is a ‘my rules for me/your rules for you’ (my/your) structure.  These people know the rules to follow but may be reluctant to communicate them to others. They have a “live and let live” perspective believing that everyone is different. This makes these people unclear to others on their expectations, but they are very good at understanding both sides of a position.  Sometimes this is the appropriate mode for parenting children.

What isn’t good for developing children are the two other rule structures, only used by 10% of the adult population.  One of these is ‘no rules for me/my rules for you’ (no/my) pattern and the other one is ‘my rules for me/I don’t care about you’ (my/-).  The former are people who are ignorant of the rules but perfectly willing, when they learn them, but to pass them on to others. These are the regrettable “Do as I say, not as I do” parenting moments.

When parents allow themselves to slip into no/my mode, a mixed message is sent to their children that does not provide direction or help in making future decisions.  The latter is your rude neighbor who keeps you up with loud parties at all hours and no concern for your rest.  If a parent has a my/I don’t care rule structure on behavior it is very confusing for the child; the parent does as he pleases with no concern for how his behavior affects others, creating a bad influencing role model  for developing children to emulate.

Parents with a my/my structure (75% of the adult population) make their expectations very clear to their children.  When they shift into my/your structure, the older child realizes that the parent is trying to understand who he is and what he wants (your rules) as well as delivering the parent’s expectations (my rules).  Both of these communication patterns help children grow and develop.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  We all operate with rules of behavior that we apply to ourselves and to others. When you are raising children, this is the ability or willingness to manage our own behavior and the behavior of our children.  Once the patterns are recognized as patterns, they can be changed as the situation warrants. The key to good communication is recognizing that there is always a choice to our own behavior and that our choice impacts those around us, especially impressionable children who are taking their cues from the adult role models.

While it certainly feels great to have a close relationship with your teen, friendship should never be the primary goal of the parent. Teens expect their parents to provide support, wisdom, guidance, and discipline to help them later become the wonderful adults that their parents will want to have as a friend throughout their adult lives.

One of my friends grew up with a mother who admittedly never wanted to have the role of parent and always wanted to be best friends with her daughter.  That daughter ended up raising the mother instead of the other way around, which tainted her view of having children herself, and indeed had none.  My friend was robbed of a ‘normal ‘ childhood, although this situation is not that uncommon.  Many parents, due to their own insecurities, want to vacate the job of being the parent and much prefer the role of friend over foe, which sometimes it appears that a parent is when they are on the other side of many teenage arguments.  It’s fun to give in to teenage pleadings which makes them happy and like you.  It’s so much harder to be the authority figure and toe the line on an angry teen.

While it might be hard to continue to exercise authority when you’re kid seems to be resisting you at every turn, still you just need reassurance that continuing to stand firm is the right thing to do. That reassurance comes from several surveys from teens themselves that tell us that when you’re not in charge, your child loses respect for you and discounts your authority.   They want their parents to be parents and be in charge.

“My father isn’t really a father figure – he tries to be my friend more than my dad, so I can get anything out of him.”

“I have friends at school; I need parents!”

Some parents try to be ‘cool’, to earn their kids friendship within an ‘anything goes’ approach.  More often than not this approach is more likely to earn the teen’s disdain.  Parents that use a permissive parenting strategy misguidedly try to build a relationship with their adolescent by being lax in the hopes of gaining their affection, but instead this behavior ruins the relationship.  Teens feel that their parents have checked out and don’t care about them, even while enjoying the short-term benefits.

I was one of those teens, with older parents that indeed had checked out by the time I reached the hard years. They let me do anything I wanted, had no idea where I was, who my friends were, or what was going on in my life. I had no curfew and did as I pleased. While I was a ‘good kid’, getting good grades and held a responsible afterschool job, looking back I always resented having to raise myself. At the time I envied the kids with parents who cared about where they were what they were doing.  I knew that deep down a certain demonstrable level of caring was what I really wanted and never received.

In surveys teens have stated that adults who don’t try to be cool and instead act like parents they are win the most respect from other kids – they would take the real parent that enforces the rules over the fake parent that was trying too hard to be cool (or in my case, just to disinterested to get involved).

And still other parents feel that they are just too busy to find the time to deal with getting involved in their teen’s life. They assume, rather they hope, that things will work out okay without their involvement.  Often these kids do make it through the teen years safely, but not without some degree of resentment.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  We all want to be liked, since we are all social creatures. But the role of parent is not to be friends with your child, rather it is to be the parent, which is not always the likable route, but it’s the right route, and the one that your child wants you to take.   With teenagers this can be especially hard since as young adults they are clearly friend material, but resist the urge, especially when what’s really needed is exerting your authority.