How’s That Communication Going – While Trying to Multitask?

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multitaskingMany companies write into job descriptions the requirement to be able to multitask well, but really how effective is anyone in communicating while multitasking?

Have you experienced talking to someone who is doing several things at once, who insists that they can still pay attention to what you’re saying, and you rightly sense that they are more than a little distracted and really won’t retain what you just told them?  You get the standard “Ah huh” but doubt that much of the information you just relayed has actually sunk in.  When you ask, “Are you sure that you’re going to remember?” the response of “Don’t worry, I’ve got it!” really has you worried.

The truth of multitasking is that we lose an average of 15 minutes every time we move from one task to another.  So for every four times that you move back and forth between tasks you lose a productive hour.  This is due to changing your train of thought and then the time needed to bring the brain back up to speed with where you were in your thinking, prior to the movement away.  So multitasking is unproductive overall, although there is the feeling of being very busy, sometimes almost to distraction.  But busy work does not equal to optimal productivity.  Sometimes busy work just makes us feel like we’re spinning our wheels and getting nothing done, which is often the case.

And if you think that you are communicating well with yourself while multitasking, think again.  You may be repeating the same thing over and over to yourself in your head to try and keep your place, but in reality the brain can only focus literally on one thing at a time.

There are times when you actually can multitask effectively, which happen when one or more of the tasks do not require much thought.  Rehearsing your speech while taking a shower, talking on the phone while making dinner, watching TV and conversing while eating dinner – these are all examples of good multitasking.  My personal favorite is listening to a book on tape while exercising to a video on TV.  In all of these examples you can do several things at once and do them all well, because you only have to really focus on one of the tasks.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  if you are communicating with someone who is multitasking while you are trying to give them some information, weigh how important the information is that you are delivering in relation to how much concentration the tasks take that they are doing simultaneously.  If you are communicating with yourself i.e. giving yourself information while trying to multitask, know that you won’t retain 100% if you do not give it your full attention.

QUESTION:  How often do you switch tasks during the day instead of completing a task in a single sitting?  How much more productive could you be with your time by staying focused instead of trying to multitask?

Communication Suffers When Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head

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jealousyJealous much?  Sometimes it’s hard not to be jealous, since as previously discussed, we are all basically selfish and operate from our own world view as the most important perspective.  It’s all about me, so of course it’s easy for me to be jealous of you.

When my kids were little, they loved our childless next door neighbors, who showered them with treats and ice cream trips – from their point of view, what’s not to love?  And did I twinge with just a little bit with jealousy when they wanted to ride in their car, walk with them, sit with them, etc?  Of course I did – who doesn’t dislike being passed over?

Or how about “sharing” your daughter with her new mother-in-law (who only has sons) – does that make you feel jealous and resentful of the time they spend together?  It’s important that they develop a good relationship together, which really has nothing to do with you – still it’s a potential point of contention… or is it?

The level of relationship jealousy you feel in a situation depends on your own self-esteem in your role.  The more confidence you feel in your relationship with the other person, the easier it is to not begrudge them time spent with another person.

I had a close friend who I helped get through a rough divorce and I was happy to be there for her.  But over time, she dated and remarried and now I barely see her anymore.  As this was happening, I was annoyed and resentful that I was essentially replaced in her world.  Of course I should have been happy for her in her new life, but deep down I realized that I was hurt that I was no longer important to her.

Was it a matter of a friendship that had simply run its course?  Or was it that because I was jealous of the new spouse, that I was no longer a good friend?  Here’s where jealousy hurts a relationship.  I never communicated my feelings to her, when there was a chance of repairing the friendship.  And in the space of that long silence we drifted apart, perhaps unnecessarily.

The popular TV show Modern Family had a great scene dealing with this issue – Claire was big in the PTA and Gloria wanted to help out with a school event, but Claire kept rebuffing and thwarting Gloria’s efforts.  Eventually, as happens more on TV than in real life, Claire told Gloria that the PTA was “my thing” and she didn’t want to share the limelight.  She enjoyed the importance of her PTA role and felt jealous when Gloria proved to be equally effective, thereby diminishing Claire’s view of herself (which doesn’t have to happen).  Once again, it’s jealousy due to insecurity of one’s perceived influence in the situation.  A confident person is rarely jealous.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When you experience the negative emotion of jealousy in a relationship, which happens to all of us in varying degrees (“she likes you more than she likes me”), stop and think about the importance of this relationship to you.  If it is important at all, communicate your feelings, perhaps unwarranted but felt just the same, to get the reassurance you need not to let the jealousy fester into something much deeper.  Do it before it becomes too late to repair the damage and the relationship is ruined.

QUESTION:  Have you seen jealousy ruin a good relationship?  Did you catch the point when it could still have been communicated and saved?

What Does a Name Communicate? – Volumes

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name badgeSo what’s in a name – other than it’s everyone’s personal favorite word – ?  Much more than you probably realize.  Although names are just a string of unrelated letters and sounds (which makes some names very hard to remember, to pronounce, or to spell correctly) they usually carry a very personal meaning to the owner, as the person’s very identity is wrapped up in their name.  These intangible letter groupings also carry internal communication to the listener, if they know other people bearing the same name, and associate some degree of positive or negative feelings from the other person with the same name to this new person.

When we meet someone for the first time the name is meaningless until it is attached to something memorable.  That’s why it’s often hard to remember people’s unusual names, because the word itself does not usually identify with a known object – you can’t picture an “Ashei” (male? female? how is it even pronounced?), so the remembering of that string of letters is a straight function of rote memory.  As you may recall from learning your multiplication tables in grade school, it takes many repeated attempts to lock data into long-term memory.  Common names are easier to remember because the sound is familiar to us.

Our formal name was given to us by our parents – sometimes in tribute to someone special, sometimes without a lot of forethought simply because the name was liked or sounded good.  Regardless of how it came to be, your name is a big part of your identity and not to be trifled with.

We named one of our daughters “Kelani” which was different but not strange and felt like a great choice at the time.  Unfortunately her name is often mispronounced, and so she came to dislike her formal name when she was young.  If only I had thought to add an “e” on her birth certificate… what a difference one letter would have made!  Now as an adult, pronouncing her name correctly is a good indicator of those who really know her versus the pretenders.  Why do parents inadvertently make their children’s lives harder than they need to be, with a cutesy spelling or a hard to pronounce moniker?

Names can often carry an association that transfers unconsciously to the person.  These associations, some positive and some negative, have very real repercussions for the bearers.  The Berthas and Dolores of the world are subjected to lower grades by teachers for the exact same work, while the opposite happens to the lucky Rebeccas and Abigails.   This is also true regarding prison sentences, judging beauty pageants, and hiring.  We just like certain people more, and when that person is a relative stranger, names have a distinct bearing on likability.  Name associations communicate much, whether warranted or not.  (“We can’t name the baby Nelson because I had a crazy uncle named Nelson!”)

Is “Tyler” a male or a female?  Is it spelled Jane, Jayne, Jain, or Jaine? (not as plain a matter as it initially appears!)  Or how about Katherine, Kathryn, Kathrine, Catherine, Cathryn, Cathrine?  Yikes – so many possibilities for the same name – how can someone possibly get it right?  Is it important to try to get it right, or should you just let it go?  Absolutely, make the effort to get the name right, as getting it wrong speaks volumes about your lack of caring and respect for the individual, that can be considered offensive (or at the very least a black mark against you).  Just ask the person how they spell or pronounce their name and they will proudly tell you.

My favorite name story is my own dear mother-in-law, who I met as ‘the girlfriend’ when I was 18 years old.  Of course back then she was “Mrs. Martin”.  But before two birthdays had passed, I also was Mrs. Martin and she was — untitled.  My own mother was “Mom”, and “Mrs. Martin” just felt too formal.  And as a mere 19-year-old I simply couldn’t call her, or any adult a generation older than me, by her first name.   Since she didn’t know or think to address the naming issue, the ‘problem’ remained unspoken through three decades, continuing to this day.  I still look at her to talk with her, or I physically touch her to get her attention, and I refer to her in conversation as “Michael’s mother”.  This is a bad habit that should never have formed; the responsibility lies with the older adult to tell the younger person what they would like to be called.  I took steps with my own children’s spouses to correct this way before the marriages happened.

I landed on a good website recently and I would tell you about it but I just can’t remember the name… all I remember is that it had something to do with the product (books) and was very clever.  But how important is it to be clever when you’re not memorable?  The straightforward name would get the referral and the repeat visit.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Names are very important, especially for building strong rapport.  When selecting a name for a child, a business, a website, etc. remember that fluency is important for memory retention.  We have so much data in the world to process that remembering an offbeat or clever name just challenges our brains.  Yes, clever names can be quite memorable, but you risk 2/3s of the people not getting the cleverness right away.  The straightforward name is a never miss.  Save the cleverness for a headline or punchy slogan but keep the name easy.

QUESTION:  Does it bother you at all when kids call adults by their first name?  Do you consider this disrespectful …or a desired trait of your youthful informality?

Good Communication Boils Down to One Easy Skill

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WIIFMGood communication happens when you understand and apply a simple but prevailing point – everyone operates under the premise of “What’s in it for ME?” – We are basically selfish in our perspective because we exist inside our own world.  We see reality as it is filtered through our own experience.  And we think that our unique viewpoint is understood and recognized by everyone else.

When we are aware of this predisposition in every one, in virtually every situation, we can act accordingly with this knowledge, with gives insightful clarity to our communication.

“I like Jane’s haircut” is heard and then translated to, “I wonder if my haircut looks good…”  WIIFM.

Or “Jane really looks good for her age” becomes “I’m close to Jane’s age – I wonder if she thinks I look too.” WIIFM.

“I’m really mad at John for not getting his work in on time, which held up the whole project” is heard and translated to, “I wonder if she’s insinuating that I could have been faster in delivering my work on the project.”  WIIFM.  Now some people may think, “Well I actually know that John had some stuff going on in his life lately that may have held his work up” but most will internalize it instead with, “I’m glad I didn’t hold up the project.”  It’s just human nature to think this way; that’s how we’re wired.

So when you’re talking to someone, try to remember to think about the impact of your words from their point of view before your words tumble out.  It just takes a split second to do so and can be a great kindness in furthering the cause of good communication.

Our speedy brains can all think so much faster than we can talk.  And we tend to use that extra time to structure our next thoughts about what we’re going to say next, instead of thinking about how the other person will take what we’re about to say, from their point of view.  We actually have plenty of time to do both, but we don’t tend to do the latter.  Sadly, we aren’t always made aware when we offend with the former.

Mother (who has taken the time to cook a nice meal) to teenager: “Dinner in 5!”

Teenager (who is engrossed on his phone): “yeah okay” which translates to, “I can eat any old time and I don’t want to break from what I’m doing right now.”

Mother (who just wants to feel appreciated for her efforts): “If you don’t come to the table right now, I’m closing the kitchen and you can just starve for all I care!”

Teenager (who has heard this threat before): “I said I’m coming… don’t have a cow already!”

Whereas the conversation could have gone like this:

Mother: “Please wrap up what you’re doing and plan to be seated at the table in five minutes, so your favorite food doesn’t get cold.”

Teenager (‘your favorite’ – now wondering what food is being served): “yeah okay”

Mother (when teenager is still not at the table 5 minutes later): “I’m giving away/serving myself the best pieces, so don’t complain if there’s nothing good left when you get to the table.”

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Since people tend to personalize and internalize just about everything, a good habit to adopt is to take a few split seconds before every comment and think about the same words from the other person’s point of view.  Make ‘what’s in it for me’ be something that they want to hear, that they value, that motivates them to want to continue a relationship with you.  The best communicators know this and do it routinely.

QUESTION: Have you ever said something quickly without thinking and wished that you could take it back?  How often have your words been misconstrued, interpreted with a meaning that you didn’t intend to deliver?

The Fight Within – I’m Really Not Selfish, But Sometimes I Am…

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fighting kidsWhen I watch children playing and hear them being coached by their parents and teachers to share – share with their siblings, share with their playmates, share their toys, share their food, share the good stuff – and while they’re learning the social norms of sharing, they’re saying, “But WHY?  Why should I share?  I don’t WANT to (i.e. I don’t see what’s in it for me to share – I want it all for myself!)”

And at the other end of living I’ve notice how old people are increasingly self-centered and reluctant to think beyond their own comfort.  My aunt in her final days maintained a very selfish view, as the world revolved around her – her health issues, her personal comfort.  As older people become less flexible in their body, so the rigidity spreads to their mind, and they are less able to be flexible in their thinking, and rarely flexible in their routines.  You could never get my elderly father to do anything that he hadn’t given thought to well in advance, even if he had nothing else to do; all spontaneity was gone.  And his worldview preempted all others; it didn’t matter who was put out by his stubbornness.

So where does selfishness come from?  Is it a bad thing?  Is selflessness such a good thing?  Human beings are innately selfish – it’s a matter survival.  Competitiveness is very natural and super competitiveness is just our selfish streak gone wild.  The true survivors of the world take what they need first, which guarantees that their gene pool will continue to propagate.  So through hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, we the selfish, have survived.  And survival of the species is why we’re all here – our raison d’être.

But we have also evolved to be cooperative.  To survive in the modern world we must cooperate, for unlike are forbearers, we have, for the most part, lost the ability to get by on our own.  We need the work of others in a cooperative society to eat, to stay warm, to help raise our children.  Division of labor has made life so much easier, giving us leisure time to pursue other interests, but it has also made us very cooperative.  So we are team players, we don’t cheat the system, we smile and make nice and so everyone wins.  We have also evolved to care about others in a reciprocal altruism.  It affects us deeply to see a stranger in need, especially a child, and we appropriately reach out with our assistance.

These dual systems of remaining selfish while wanting to be selfless lie deep within us, with one or the other coming to the surface in any given situation.  Should we give to charity when charity begins at home?  Should we cheat and break the rules just this one time because the current situation is extremely important? (And cheating does indeed pay, but if everyone cheated there would be societal chaos, so we rein in the cheaters with punishments and chastisements to keep things running smoothly.)

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When your inner voice tells you to stop being selfish, know that being selfish is a very natural tendency and is actually OK; you need your selfishness to survive – it’s not the terrible thing that your mother told you it was.  Sometimes being selfish is standing up for your own self interests, which is important for self-esteem and confidence.  It’s really okay to take the selfish route and say no.

QUESTION:  Do you overload yourself with stress because you just can’t say no when somebody asks you to do something?

Please let me know your comments on this pervasive subject.

Communication Between Spouses – the #1 Sign of Trouble

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contemptMy husband of 30+ years and I recently went to a barbecue with just a few couples, who we’ve known for several years.    The other couples there had also been married for many years.  At one point one woman mentioned that her knee has been swelling off and on for years, and the situation was really bad of late.  In fact her knee was so swollen that night that it was hard to get her pant leg on over it.  While that was sad to hear, I was sadder to hear her husband make a crack that her swollen knee was nothing compared to the size of her a**.  Wow, where did that comment come from?!  (And for the record, she is very slim.)

Our first landlord, who we considered a really nice guy, used to always make demeaning jokes at his wife’s expense.  Even back then when I was just a newly married twenty something, I felt something wasn’t right about that situation and that those kinds of jokes weren’t really funny.  That couple, with two young boys at the time, are no longer married, which comes as no surprise.

So why do some people sabotage the closest relationship in their lives?  In both of these cases, the husband’s self-esteem was not as strong as the wife’s, and he erroneously thought that by putting her down he would build himself up.  How sad it is that we often take for granted and hurt those that are closest to us.  We often treat strangers and near strangers better, with more politeness, then we treat our own family.

Marriages can withstand a lot through the years, some lasting against all odds when by all accounts the two were wrong for each other, or grew distant over time.  My parents experienced such a marriage, staying together into their 80s in a loveless marriage out of habit.  So what is the glue that holds good marriages together, and what is the top that signals impending divorce?

Long married people are proven to be healthier, happier, and live longer than unmarried people.  When people who have been married for long time were surveyed, it was revealed that the top trait that keeps people happy in a marriage is having some space – having their own room to grow individually, develop some of their own interests, time to do their own thing.

And the top problematic relationship trait that cannot be resolved?  Contempt.  When one spouse shows contempt for the other, the marriage is in too much trouble to be saved.  How is contempt different from disgust?  Disgust primarily involves an offense to the senses – a sight, a smell, or a taste – disgust usually with a bodily component.  Contempt on the other hand, has to do with the person and their behavior, often combining with anger.  When someone is snubbed, they are often dismissed with contempt.  When one person dismisses the other person with contempt, it is a sure sign that the relationship is beyond repair.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  If you become aware of feeling contempt for someone, take a good look at the relationship and determine if you want to change the situation, which you can still do in the beginning.  If someone shows contempt for you, and it’s a longtime habit, start looking for another relationship, since you can’t change another person’s behavior and this one is a biggie.

QUESTION: Have you noticed contempt shown – to yourself or to another- in recent memory?

Communication Between Parents and Adult Children

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As the mother of four adult children, I have endeavored to define the ongoing future relationships between these once small beings who are now my equals, and who will be adults for many years longer than they were children.  How do you transition into adult relationship with your adult children?  Should you do so?  Why – what are the benefits?  And what is their role in this shifting world?

There are many adults today in the “sandwich” generation dealing with elderly parents, who have reverted to becoming the children of their children (or are being treated the way).  When this happens it is a clear case of not addressing the transition into adult relationship with their adult children many years before.  Who thought that they needed to do so?  They were always the stronger, older, wiser parent – until suddenly they weren’t.

Rather than face the new reality, they spent years fighting their diminishing ability, power, independence so that life became simply a matter of holding on.  This holding on can take the form of feisty, cantankerous, willful old person or the other extreme – placid, meek, whatever-you-say-dear, muddled mind.  In either case, with few cases falling in between the two extremes, the parent has lost much respect and all influence over their children, who must now parent them.

What’s a parent to do?  The smart parent doesn’t turn a blind eye and notices when their well accomplished adult children need them in a different capacity.  The adult friendship that the relationship turns into is one-sided, as the adult child, who deserves respect as an adult, still regards the parent as a parent.  His or her turn will necessarily come with the next generation.

I made the mistake of thinking that this relationship was two-sided.  It took a long heated battle, primarily internal on my part, to realize that I needed to change my view of this child as now a 30-something adult, but to this adult I am and will always be the mother, with all the expectations and trappings of that role built-in.  I am never just another adult, and if I try to be, I greatly disappoint.

The disappointments of adult children can cut deep and may last longer (all those adult years seething) than childhood injuries.  And so parental responsibilities continue on until the end.  So you must walk the tightrope of treating them like adults but maintaining your role as parent.  It’s an interesting balance to maintain – a whole new world that no one talks about.  But at least you maintain the respect of your children through your golden years when you really need.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  If you have adult children (adult = 30 years and older in today’s late bloomer world) you would be well served to consider transitioning into a one-way adult relationship with them, treating them like the adults that they are, not the children that they were.  Which means earning respect versus demanding it as a parent, changing your expectations of what is due you for raising them, waiting to be asked for your advice not telling them to do.  Sometimes the medicine is hard to swallow, but it’s worth it when you don’t get infected later.

QUESTION:  Are you dealing now with parents that fit one of the profiles?  Do you fear becoming that person?

Fluency – An Important Part of Communication

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potatoWe’re pretty arrogant in America – we expect other cultures to comply with our world perspective and to understand and do things our way – how dare they not see things the ‘right’ way, which is, of course, our way.

I called United Airlines on a ticket issue, and of course I got the customer service dept representative sitting in Pakistan.  Even though foreign employees take English lessons and adopt English names the accent is a dead giveaway.  And when I hear a foreign accent answer the phone, I have been trained, after repeated exposure to foreign customer service voices, to react automatically with annoyance, regardless of who the poor person on the other end of the phone is.  To me, they are all alike – how very judgmental and unfair of me.  But I can’t help it — or is it that I don’t want to?

Actually, I do want help, so I would be better served to try to work with this person, since this is really the end of the line on getting through to a live person.  But somehow I know that this is going to end badly and it will just be another dead-end phone call to customer service.  And no surprise, that’s exactly what happened.

I can’t believe that you can buy a round trip airline ticket, change your mind on flying out and they have the right to cancel you out of the return leg of the trip, when you paid for both parts (of course, there is no refund either).  How unfair is that?  But of course, I got nowhere explaining it to a Pakistani employee, or to anyone else for that matter.  But somehow, dealing with a foreign voice made it so much worse.

In dissecting why this is true we come back to the fluency communication problem (for more on fluency see the blog post on Oct 2) and to likability (see post Sept 27).  We like people who are like us, and when a big difference like language presents itself AND we are in problem mode, likability is very hard to establish, with the extra burden of just being a phone voice.  It’s hard to like a strange voice that you can’t understand well (fluency).  And without some likability, there is little rapport.

So logically, since I am in the business to know this, you might think that I would override my emotions and rationalize that since I am the one needing the help of the other person, I would at least try to overcome the communication barrier, to try to get further in resolving my problem.  But instead, the minute I hear the accented voice, I know it’s a lost cause, and I give a half-hearted try then give up, with a concurrent rise in blood pressure.  How is any of this helpful?

At this point, conspiracy theory kicks in and I’m convinced that all greedy big (and some not so big) companies are trying to drive consumers to drink by setting up customer service departments with the real job of making sure that nothing is resolved satisfactorily.  (Rationally, I also know that this isn’t true either.)  What I do know is true is that emotion rules over logic 90% of the time – it’s pretty hard to fight getting upset/angry/emotional when there is perceived unfairness and no satisfactory resolution.

Another factor compounding the problem with other cultures is that they really ARE from different cultures; they truly don’t think like, understand, or get American thinking.  They can’t help it since they weren’t raised here, with all our particular vocal nuances.  English, a language that is not very precise, is heavily nuanced.  You really have to have lived here for decades, preferably from childhood, to fully ‘get’ much of the real meaning of the language.  How can that poor Pakistani employee really appreciate the depth of my annoyance?  Maybe that’s why they are hired – since they don’t have the real power to help, it’s probably best for turnover if they aren’t bothered much by angry customers shouting at them from thousands of miles away.  But what a bad reflection on the US based company, when that unresolved anger is left to fester – and often unloaded online in open social media forums.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Fluency is a real communication problem with customer service functions located in foreign countries.  The language and cultural differences greatly hamper understanding and problem resolution, since emotions run high when problems are present.  If you are on either end of the equation, knowing that there are additional barriers, in addition to the problem situation, would go a long way towards a win-win for both sides, which is ultimately what everyone wants.

QUESTION:  Can you relate with your own experience?

CRITICAL Language of Communication

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arrow at computerMy computer was experiencing a “runtime” error, which I understand is quite common, but terribly annoying to the lay user like me, who is just good enough with technology to be dangerous.  This error kept popping up on my mini laptop about every three minutes, which doesn’t look very good during a client presentation.

So I promptly googled the problem and gathered that it has something to do with “memory overload” and “registry issues”.  The fix is apparently to download a registry cleaner program.  I downloaded one program, did everything I was supposed to do to fix the registry errors and got a clean bill of health.  I even double checked for errors and still came up clean.  So I thought the problem was solved, but no, it continued to persist in happening.

Once again back to Google, with all kinds of other potential solutions involving manual reconfiguration, all of which I tried, all of which failed to solve the problem.  Back to another registry cleaner, but wouldn’t you think since my registry errors were all fixed, even double fixed, that the new software shouldn’t find any errors?  Ha!  Wrong guess, Monty, because behind door #2 there lie 1835 CRITICAL errors.  Yes, these are not just simply “errors”, “minor” errors, or even “large” errors – these all, every one of them, are “critical” errors.

When I hear the word “critical”, a switch flips in my brain and I naturally assume my computer is going to pant its last breath, clutch its throat, and die a horrible death, mainly horrible due to taking all my valuable data with it, if I don’t fix these errors by conveniently buying their software immediately.  And the promoters selling the software know the effect of certain words like “critical” – which is of course exactly why they use them.

That’s the language of communication in action, in advertising.  Words create emotions that lead to actions because 95% of the time we act on emotions instead of on logic.  Later we rationalize our emotional actions with logical reasons, but those are after-the-fact, because we never want to appear to have acted wrongly or think that we would not act in our own best interests.  “Why would you buy that software when the first software was perfectly fine?” which is the logical thinking, takes a backseat to “Why would you risk losing your laptop and all the data on it to save a few measly bucks?” which is the emotional thinking.  [And clearly one software manufacturer has different standards from another software manufacturer on what is considered “repaired” and what is considered “critical” – but without having and understanding that specific knowledge, my making a good consumer buying decision is impossible.]

Many words have “their way with us” because we are programmed to react a certain way to certain stimuli, words being just one channel of communication, but a fairly big one in creating emotion.  When we want to communicate well, when we choose our words well, when we tell a moving story with just the right sentiment, language is the vehicle we employ for that effective communication journey with another.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Recognize the effect that specific words have on your emotions – some are specific to you, called “pushing your buttons” – others are generic, with the same effect on everyone – and know that you have the capability to change your reaction in both arenas.  Letting advertisers manipulate with words that appeal, for a variety of reasons, is within your control to change.  Those reactions to trigger words do not need to be automatic, simply by exercising some awareness before acting.

QUESTION: Have you noticed any words that pull on your heartstrings?  Now knowing them, can you resist their effect?  

Communication Snafu: When You’re Just Not Liked

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Clark KentYesterday my dear husband, who is a mild-mannered Clark Kent type that offends no one, was lamenting the fact that one of his bosses simply can’t let go of something that happened a few months ago, which continues to annoy.  The “incident” was not of dire consequences, but was admittedly a judgment error on hubbie’s part.  But after 20+ years of stellar service, isn’t he entitled to one lapse?

So apologies were given, reassurances of no future occurrences were promised, and yet this continues to hang over the relationship.  This brings me to the inevitable “why?” question, and the corollary question of “what can be done to help/remedy/change the situation?”.

The answer to the “why” question – why can’t the boss let this go? – boils down to something rather simple: he doesn’t like him, primarily because they are very different from each other and we like others that are like us.  Now I can hear you saying, “oh that’s not true – there are lots of people that I like that aren’t like me at all! – Heck, my spouse and I are polar opposites, and we love each other”  but I’m going to have you think about those people and you will realize that you have a lot in common with them, common characteristics, common outlooks, common personality traits deep down.  You are not as different as you think, external features aside, and are more alike than different, if you’ve chosen them for close relationships in your life.

The problem occurs when we are forced to interact with other people not of our choosing, i.e. in a work or other associated group environment.  In the beginning we are basically polite, but as time goes on and the differences become more apparent, we choose not to invest in the relationship, because we know it’s just a “work” associate, and we don’t have to really care for that person or spend leisure time with them.  We can make nice, do what it takes just to get by and not rock the boat.

Of course it’s much easier if we like the people we work with, since it makes for a more pleasant and productive work environment.  But what happens when the person is the boss, and s/he is the unenlightened type who doesn’t feel (or realize the benefits) that s/he should like any employee?  When this is the case then, yes, bad feelings and resentments are harbored, under the self-talk of “I never liked that guy, I knew he was a screw-up and I was right!”  And the many years of diligent and loyal service are easily dismissed.

Now I hear you saying, “Naa, when someone is a good and loyal employee and screws up once, it can be overlooked, since that’s not their usual pattern.”  And I would agree, but the caveat is that you have to like them to begin with to overlook an error; you like and recognize their hard work; you like and appreciate their efforts over the years; you like and respect their different style of producing results.  But when these are not in place, you don’t give them the benefit of the doubt.

I once worked with somebody that I didn’t like his style at all – he was bold and brash and not the way that I treated customers or would want to be personally treated if I was his customer.  So I discounted him as not a good performer although in reality I don’t know whether he was really good or not.  He was just different and different should not equal bad.  But too often it does.

So what can my husband to in this case to help the situation?  Unfortunately after 20+ years there is very little he can do, primarily because relationships are a two-way street and if the other party doesn’t want to play, you can’t make anyone change.  So he is rather stuck at this point.  But learning from this experience in the future when a “forced“ relationship is new and important, efforts should be made to be liked early on, before it becomes too late and the feelings are too deeply entrenched to change.

If the relationship is not a forced one, but a chosen relationshop, then it is never too late to make a change as long as both sides are in agreement.  People that like each other, love each other, then grow apart to some state of unlike, or unlove, can still work to change it back when there is still enough caring in place to make a difference.

 

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  If you are in a “forced” relationship with someone you realize doesn’t like you and it is an important relationship to your job, it behooves you for your future career well-being to take steps to change the dynamic.

1)  Look closely at all of your un-chosen relationships and identify the most important ones

2)   Analyze whether the people in those “power” relationships actually like you enough as a person [this step is not commonly done early on when it’s easiest to bring about a change]

3)  In the cases requiring the other person to modify their perception of you, take steps to get them (clients?) to like you better [for ideas on how read my article http://www.consultingmag.com/article/ART845036?C=twBWjMtwCLPwGoSQ ]

Most people just take the easy way out when the boss doesn’t like them and suffer through it, which is miserable, or they change jobs.  There is another solution.

QUESTION: Have you ever experienced a terrible boss?  (Bad bosses are the #1 complaint at work.)