Author Archives: djmartin

Communication in Families

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familyMany older families today operate with a lone matriarch that holds things together, since women continue to handily outlive men.  And with larger families 2 or more generations ago, many now have sole surviving elderly aunts, great great grandmothers or other reigning queen bees at the helm.  The real value of these large extended families was that they 1) tended to cluster together in packs and 2) they espoused family values.  Today we have smaller families, more far flung members, and family values are not as dear.

When the queen mother of that other era succumbs, often a sad thing happens – the underlying generation is lost to the extended family.  This happened to my sister and me, as when our older parents passed (our adopted parents were 2 generations older than us) we were all but forgotten by the rest of the clan.  The communication link protected by that generation was broken and there was no one and no interest to rekindle the flame.  We really have felt like adult orphans over the past 15 years with virtually no outside family contact.

This scenario replays itself over and over again, as more of that mighty WWII generation, the greatest generation according to Tom Brokaw, continues to dwindle in numbers.  But weren’t they prolific!  And now the 2nd, 3rd and 4th generations beneath them are left with distant cousins who they not only don’t know, but don’t really care to know.

When family ties fray and break, we lose a valuable communication chain that is unique and irreplaceable.  The ‘kissing cousins’ of yesteryear are practically an anomaly today; my kids care little for their direct paternal 2nd cousins, or for their 1st cousins once removed.  (And just when I got the ‘once removed’ idea fully understood, it becomes archaic!)

I mourn (well, truthfully mourn is probably too strong a term for it), I lament the smallness of the family they are happy to settle for, the richness that the layering of a large close knit family can provide, the interesting relationships that multiple generations across multiple descendents can imbue a family.  Our mobile society today tends to be more black sheep and less flock oriented.

“Where are you from?” is a usual question, because the answers and accents are so varied.  “What brought you here?” is another kettle of fish.  What’s interesting is how many people are happily far from ‘home’ and out on their own, without regret or remorse.  America’s independent spirit is alive and well.  But her communication is unfortunately not as strong.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: Family communication is often different than ‘regular’ communication.  Not necessarily better – we often treat strangers better than we treat those we love.  It’s just so much easier to abuse, neglect, and take for granted those that are nearby.  “It’s only so-and-so – she’s OK with it, she’s family.”  We love them because we ‘have’ to, but do we really LIKE them?   Really, all of them?  Today’s generation recognizes that they actually don’t have to; they exercise choice.

Written Communication is Always True

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We think that everything that written must be true – “I read that…” is offered up as proof in our argument.  “That’s not true…” – “Yes it is, I read it in the newspaper!”  (And the retractions the newspaper prints the next day are small and barely read…)

The WSJ had a headline last week: Fake News: A Google Deal That Wasn’t   Apparently PRWeb.com printed a fraudulent press release that Google had purchased wireless broadband provider ICOA for $400 million to “further diversify it’s already impressive portfolio of companies”.  (note: the grammatically incorrect use of “it’s” should have been proof enough that the press release was a fake, as any decent writer should know.)   This incorrect written piece it was picked up by the AP and other news outlets and blogs.  Worse still is that stock trades were made on the news, causing the CEO of ICOA to call the SEC and halt trading of its stock.  An investigation and criminal charges are coming.

Recently I was warned about an online hoax, and part of the argument that it was real and not a hoax was that it was verified legit with Snopes – the urban legend be all and end all – so that was proof positive of authenticity according to this email (we look for an written outside authority to back up our claims).  Then along came the reply email: “You didn’t look far enough back – Snopes discounted this in 1993 – this hoax is not true.”  And the further reply back, “Well, better safe than sorry.” (sniff)

So why do we believe so much in the accuracy of the written word?  One reason is that the printing press is a relatively new addition to civilization, bringing production of printed material to the masses merely 572 years ago.  Not so long in the long history of civilization, which stretches back more than 10,000 years.  Prior to Gutenberg’s invention of moveable type, all written material was hand scribed by monks and read by few.  Now that we are largely literate, we love to show off our book learning by believing everything we read!

Another reason is mental self-preservation: we hate to be wrong – damaging to the fragile ego.  We don’t want to appear overly gullible for not fact checking thoroughly (“You actually believed that?!?”) or stupid for not questioning (“How could you be taken in by that drivel?”)  But our natural instinct is to believe it – “hey, I read it in a known source of authority” – what’s to question?  Printed material has not been around long enough yet for us to question the authenticity – who would doubt the integrity of a learned monk, the printing press’ figurative forefather?

Finally, half of us rely on external sources of authority as our proof, when we need validation on decisions or behavior.   What better proof is there besides pointing to the printed page and shouting, “Ah ha!  There’s your proof!”

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Be careful what you write – it is considered true, even if you change your mind later.  Also, it has endurance – you can’t take it back later, so make sure you can live with it through the years.  A good rule of thumb is to picture every piece of written communication as a front page headline – the litmus test before you send it/text it/mail it.  If you’re good with the world seeing it without embarrassment or a negative reflection on your character, you’re good to go. 

Communicating Good News and Bad News

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So here’s the situation – you have good news and bad news to deliver – which one do you tell first?

Or how about when the boss calls you into his office, you sit in the chair across from his big desk and he opens with, “Your work on the last project was good but…”   You brace yourself because you know that “but” is the signal that there is some disapproval to follow.  In fact, every time we hear the word “but” we know that nothing good is coming next.  In fact, hearing the word “but” erases the nice comment that preceded it.  Or did it?

What if you’re the one that has to deliver some negative feedback – how a do you do it?

All of these scenarios depend on the gender of the person hearing the bad news.  If it is a male, no problem to position either the good news first and the bad news last, or vice versa.  Males have the ability to hear both the good and the bad and will balance out one with the other.

Females, on the other hand, hear and retain what was said last.  If you tell her the good news first and the bad news last she will dwell on the bad news for much too long, and will have forgotten the good part soon after hearing the bad part.  So the best advice on dealing with delivering negative feedback to females is to sandwich the bad news in between two pieces of good news.  Tell her the good job she is doing with the specific example, indicate an area that needs improvement, then finish up with another example of some good but she is doing.  She will absorb the negative feedback and will be more motivated to change it, without feeling too bad about herself.

And with everybody, change the word “but” to “and” every time.  “Your work on the last project was good and…” whatever follows that the “and”, good or bad, will be heard differently and without the mental defenses going up.

At lunch today my daughter-in-law needed to deliver some bad news to her grandmother that she had lost a special item of clothing, which she accidentally left on a bus the previous day.  In this case there was no specific good news to offset the bad news, and her grandmother was gracious in her understanding and said, “it’s okay” – probably because was in mixed company and didn’t want to make a big deal about it.

So why didn’t the rule stated above apply here?  Well it might have applied since we don’t know how sad the item loss was to the grandmother, as she never said anything additionally out loud.  But what is true is that the weight of the importance of the bad news is a factor.  If it is less stressful bad news, offset by not wanting to make the granddaughter feel even worse over the situation, water under the dam and all that, then it passes.

But work performance tends to be an important and therefore high stress situation, especially when negative feedback is involved.  So in those high stress cases, absolutely apply the rule when dealing with females.  Your communication will be better because of it.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When delivering bad news to a male it doesn’t matter whether it’s positioned, as he weigh out the accuracy of the claim and deal with the information accordingly.  With females it’s a much different story.  If you give a negative information at the end, she will fret about it for a longer than she should, especially if it’s personal and comes from a source of high authority.  To offset this good feedback should be tacked onto the end, sandwiching the negative feedback in the middle.  The rule is: he remembers both, she remembers only the last.

Communication and Cliches

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You’ve heard them ad nauseum and perhaps you hate them as much as I do – today’s overused clichés that your ear glosses right over and that communicate little: “You had me at hello.” “When it’s all said and done…” “How can I help you?”  “Your call is very important to us.  Please hold for the next representative.  Your call is very important…”  

And the ubiquitous:  “Have a nice day!” (right – gag me with a spoon, pleeeeese).  Or how about the polite version: “Please have a nice day.”  Or the command version: “You have a nice day”, which stirs for me the old memory of “Yawl have a nice day now, ya hear?” a la the Clampetts. 

The movie “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” probably had the best line for “Have a nice day” – the mother says, “That puts too much pressure on him!” so the father relies, “Have the day that you will have!”  Isn’t that more like the truth?  Perhaps not as catchy rolling off the tongue, but entirely more realistic.

So why do we use these tired and worn verbal expressions?  There actually are several reasons.  One is that the brain likes patterns, so these very familiar expressions become very mentally comfortable.  Another reason is that we are creatures of habit – it’s just easy not to have to think much and to rely on a tried and true expression that is common.  Also verbal patterns work well from a fluency point of view – they are easy to understand.

Then why do we ‘hate’, which is probably too strong a word here, but roll-our-eyes-when-we-hear-them gets the concept across accurately, when yet another trite expression springs out of someone’s mouth?  That’s because we also like novelty, which is a survival mechanism.  Along with novelty comes new opportunities, which are needed to thrive and get ahead.  So when a new expression comes along, we are enamored of it long enough for it to be overused and then we get sick of it along with the rest.

When our communication skills are so lacking that we rely too heavily on clichés to express ourselves, our verbal creativity is sorely lacking.  And now we have text clichés, verbal shortcuts, but clichés nonetheless:  LOL, TTFN, TMI, IMHO, etc.

 While shortcut communication may be expedient, how much communicating is really going on?  The burden of clichés is that all sincerity is stripped away in favor of something that used to be clever.  It’s, excuse the cliché, like beating a dead horse; it just won’t come back to life and useless to try. Perhaps silence is better.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  In this hurry up world, we are usually rushing to save time, and so our communication gets clipped, shortened, streamlined to the point of cliché.  At what point have we ceased communicating and instead simply move from one trite expression to another in place of having original thoughts and real conversations?   In polite society, uttering the cliché “Have a nice day” instead of saying nothing, which appears uncaring, is required.  And the correct response is of course, “You too.”  Argggggh.

QUESTION:      What different expression do you use instead of “Have a nice/wonderful/great day!” to sincerely wish someone well?

Communication Problems with Roommates = Poor/No Advance Expectations

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Roommate problems are miscommunication problems, with the biggest issue of setting clear expectations up front.  My daughter moved to the opposite coast and found herself in need of a roommate.  At her new job, another young female employee was looking to cut costs by sharing expenses rather than stay in her studio apartment.  So naturally the two made plans to move in together as it looked like a good match of these two young twenties girls.  But in the background for me was dark memories of college roommates, people who don’t know each other well being thrown in together – and you know how college roommates don’t work out 9 times out of 10. 

The problems here are several: a) few alternative living arrangements options if this didn’t work out, b) a one year lease signed, and c) the necessity of housing – becoming homeless is really not a choice.  Compounding these problems are other considerations that young people rarely think about – a) not really knowing the other person’s annoying habits (which ones are the deal breakers?), b) not discussing standards in advance on cleaning, stocking the fridge, etc., and c) not establishing a protocol to deal with problems that arise — and has to be assumed that problems will arise.

So with no prior discussion at all (of course not, why would they?) they merrily moved in together 3 months ago.  Today things aren’t so rosy, but what can be done now?  It’s the typical living together issues – “she gets defensive whenever I try to mention anything”, “she’s really bad with responsibility”, “she never takes care of her new puppy and expects me to all the work (it’s a bad dog and not at all housebroken…)”.

All of these relationship issues are certainly annoying, but short of being an axe murderer, they are not enough to warrant booting the roommate to the curb.  If she even could, she can’t since where would that get her?  She can’t afford the place herself, there is no replacement roomie anywhere in sight, so she’s rather stuck.  The hindsight question to help others is:  how could this have been avoided?  And the remedial question,  since it wasn’t avoided, how can it be corrected?

On the avoidance question, which is really how do you preempt a relationship from going bad in the first place, the answer is pre-planning.  Yes, pre-plan for things to go bad, then raise a flag in triumph if they never do.  Think of everything that might go wrong, then arm the relationship with a problem protocol established in advance and clear expectations discussed up front.  Basically you’re saying, “Here are the problem areas” and “Here’s what we’ll do if any of those problems present themselves”.  It’s so very smart to have the up-front discussion while cool heads prevail.

But when this preemptive discussion doesn’t happen, as is usually the case, then what can be done?  While it’s hard to do because the default mode of doormat has set in (“I can’t say anything about the behavior now, after all this time…”), the answer is to stand up for your rights and draw a hard (albeit, late) line in the sand moving forward.  If the line is crossed, state the consequences, then follow through.  It’s not easy to be firm in a relationship that’s gone too far down the nasty road, but what is your sanity worth?  At some point it has to be done, unless you like the bad health that comes with boiling blood.  This is your out if there are no other moving out choices. 

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  All relationships start out rosy and trouble-free, which is the best time to get serious and discuss standards and protocol to follow, for when the inevitable bumps in the road present themselves.  Be the brave strong one and initiate the discussion.  If it’s past the ‘honeymoon’ period and the relationship is showing signs of communication fraying, still be the brave strong one and initiate the talk; much better to save the relationship with smiles than let it die a you-never-understood-me-and-I’m-out-of-here death.  Or a silent slip away (“you’re a different person from who I used to know”).  The worse is leading a life of martyrdom unhappiness – everyone deserves better than that.

Communicating Accountability Yields Productivity When Working with Volunteers

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Most of us are fairly charitable and want to help out in the community, often “giving back” by volunteering our time and joining fraternal groups.  In fact, research shows that by nature people are kindhearted and want to be helpful; human babies will go above and beyond what chimp babies will do to help others out.  We are proven to be hard-wired to want to help other people – our very existence depends on a cooperative society for our continued survival.  We simply can’t get by (or it’s just too hard) on our own.

I have worked as a volunteer for several charitable groups over the years, while simultaneously working in the business world, largely in a managerial capacity in both arenas.  And what a world of difference there is in managing and communicating with paid versus unpaid help.

The volunteer was giving a presentation that was, unbeknown to her, totally not in keeping with the direction of the large organization.  I corrected her, gently but firmly – what else was I to do? – rather than let the misinformation continue unabated.  A higher ranking volunteer, who should have screened the presentation in advance but did not do so, was aghast at my correction and embarrassed for the first volunteer.  I asked, “Would you rather I have said nothing and let the wrong situation continue, simply to spare her feelings?”  She replied, “Yes.”  OMG, yes!  By all means – spare her feelings, at all costs – since she’s ‘only a volunteer’ and we can’t offend.  Never would that sentiment have flown in the business world!

Additionally, I asked if perhaps she felt more upset about letting the situation happen in the first place, by not screening the presentation as she should have done, and her response was, “I don’t think it’s possible to do what you suggest”, which was code for: “I don’t want to take any blame here.”  And why should she want cause to feel bad about her own volunteer experience, which would then no longer be fun?  And isn’t that really the bottom line – if volunteering in your spare time is not fun, why do it?

Sometimes the work of volunteering is really work – administering the details, providing the structure, the organization of the event – which someone has to do to make an idea into reality, and which others will rebuff against (but not volunteer to do the needed work themselves).  So there’s the rub.  When there is paid work, everyone knows the rules and the hierarchy.  When volunteering the organization is relatively flat and the rules aren’t hard and fast (it’s so not polite to yell at a volunteer).

When the volunteer work is just as serious as paid work in the benefits that result, then volunteering becomes serious business.  Sometimes it’s very big business, as with the Red Cross during a natural disaster.  And treating volunteers differently because they are ‘only volunteers’ can be extremely detrimental. 

When my son traveled 3 hours (round trip) to Staten Island to help out with the cleanup of Hurricane Sandy, the volunteer organizers were too disorganized, probably due to being too nice to take charge of the situation (heavens, don’t want to appear rude) to get meaningful work done, which frustrates those that come to help.  Lots of unproductive waiting around after all the time spent getting there.  But because they are ‘only volunteers’ we give them lots of leeway on being accountable.  What good does it do to complain?

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When communicating with others down the chain, unpaid staff must be treated with kid gloves.  Business standards simply don’t apply, for fear of offending the few volunteers still willing to put their hand up.  Ironically this method of communication also hurts the ranks, as the volunteers who really want to be productive are annoyed at wasting their time due to overstaffing and disorganization, and leave in the frustration of being underutilized.  This is such a shame, because the need is still great, but the lack of business standards of accountability can prevent much of the real work from happening.  We all perform better when there is some accountability in place – a trait that is sorely lacking in many volunteer situations. 

Fluency Problems – Communicating With Other Cultures

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We’re pretty arrogant in America – we expect other cultures to comply with our world perspective and to understand and do things our way – how dare they not see things the ‘right’ way, which is, of course, our way. 

I called United Airlines on a ticket issue, and of course I got the customer service dept representative sitting in Pakistan.  Even though foreign employees take English lessons and adopt English names the accent is a dead giveaway.  And when I hear a foreign accent answer the phone, I have been trained, after repeated exposure to foreign customer service voices, to react automatically with annoyance, regardless of who the poor person on the other end of the phone is.  To me, they are all alike – how very judgmental and unfair of me.  But I can’t help it — or is it that I don’t want to?

Actually, I do want help, so I would be better served to try to work with this person, since this is really the end of the line on getting through to a live person.  But somehow I know that this is going to end badly and it will just be another dead-end phone call to customer service.  And no surprise, that’s exactly what happened.

I can’t believe that you can buy a round trip airline ticket, change your mind on flying out and they have the right to cancel you out of the return leg of the trip, when you paid for both parts (of course, there is no refund either).  How unfair is that?  But of course, I got nowhere explaining it to a Pakistani employee, or to anyone else for that matter.  But somehow, dealing with a foreign voice made it so much worse.

In dissecting why this is true we come back to the fluency communication problem (for more on fluency see the blog post on Oct 2) and to likability (see post Sept 27).  We like people who are like us, and when a big difference like language presents itself AND we are in problem mode, likability is very hard to establish, with the extra burden of just being a phone voice.  It’s hard to like a strange voice that you can’t understand well (fluency).  And without some likability, there is little rapport.

So logically, since I am in the business to know this, you might think that I would override my emotions and rationalize that since I am the one needing the help of the other person, I would at least try to overcome the communication barrier, to try to get further in resolving my problem.  But instead, the minute I hear the accented voice, I know it’s a lost cause, and I give a half-hearted try then give up, with a concurrent rise in blood pressure.  How is any of this helpful?

At this point, conspiracy theory kicks in and I’m convinced that all greedy big (and some not so big) companies are trying to drive consumers to drink by setting up customer service departments with the real job of making sure that nothing is resolved satisfactorily.  (Rationally, I also know that this isn’t true either.)  What I do know is true is that emotion rules over logic 90% of the time – it’s pretty hard to fight getting upset/angry/emotional when there is perceived unfairness and no satisfactory resolution.

Another factor compounding the problem with other cultures is that they really ARE from different cultures; they truly don’t think like, understand, or get American thinking.  They can’t help it since they weren’t raised here, with all our particular vocal nuances.  English, a language that is not very precise, is heavily nuanced.  You really have to have lived here for decades, preferably from childhood, to fully ‘get’ much of the real meaning of the language.  How can that poor Pakistani employee really appreciate the depth of my annoyance?  Maybe that’s why they are hired – since they don’t have the real power to help, it’s probably best for turnover if they aren’t bothered much by angry customers shouting at them from thousands of miles away.  But what a bad reflection on the US based company, when that unresolved anger is left to fester – and often unloaded online in open social media forums.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Fluency is a real communication problem with customer service functions located in foreign countries.  The language and cultural differences greatly hamper understanding and problem resolution, since emotions run high when problems are present.  If you are on either end of the equation, knowing that there are additional barriers, in addition to the problem situation, would go a long way towards a win-win for both sides, which is ultimately what everyone wants.

QUESTION:  Can you relate with your own experience?

Communicating With the Black Sheep in the Family

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Every family has one – the eccentric spinster aunt, the prodigal son, the strange uncle.   In our family, it’s the crazy cousin, who was raped as a young boy, then given away by his father, who couldn’t cope with a son who he assumed “asked for it” (!!!).  This tragedy was compounded through the years as the confused child grew up into a strange adult, estranged from the extended family.  His core family tried to help; the extended family just feared his strangeness.  It’s easier to look away and stay away from our fears, even when it’s family.

This cousin, now in his late 50s, having been away for decades, is suddenly back in the state.  He recently sent out a postcard to the cousins (there are 15 first cousins), outlining his intentions writing, “I will be back for good next month – it will be great to finally see everybody!”  Since we really don’t know this person anymore, where’s the interest in forging a relationship? 

The real question is – is it too late?  When did the window of opportunity to regain a relationship close?  Is the door always open for family – or not?  Well, the definition of ‘family’ expectations is different for every person. The truth is that most adults have a limited willingness capacity to bridge relationship gaps, and the longer those gaps extend, the harder it is to make the effort to close them.  To change takes effort, which requires a degree of caring – caring enough to want to move out of our comfort zone;  caring enough to break though old fear patterns to look for a behavior change; caring enough to think that there could actually be a behavior change.

Two basic human traits are at play here.  One is: we are creatures of habit – we like things the way they are; our habits feel like old comfortable clothes that we are used to and enjoy.  We resist changing habits unless we can clearly see the benefit in doing so.  “What’s in it for me, to go through the trouble to change?” we subconsciously wonder.  If the habit isn’t harmful, we tend to keep it.  Sorry, Black Sheep, it’s just too easy to keep my habit of fearing you and keeping you at a distance. 

The second trait is that our brains form patterns – it’s how we organize all the data that bombards us constantly.  Those patterns help us to decide how to act, and we form them quickly, largely based on prior experience.  If you were a Black Sheep when I saw you last, and the time before that, and the time before that, why should I think that you have changed?  Yes, it’s been decades, but instead of giving you a chance, I am even more entrenched in my views as I age, and my flexibility in thinking in my 50s is not as agile as it may have been when I was younger.  I am highly unlikely to think that you have changed much, let alone changed for the better.

So all of this adds up to a pretty bleak prognosis for this problematic black sheep trying to join back into this family fold… which is quite sad because everyone deserves a chance to change.  But communication barriers are up pretty high and scaling them is next to impossible.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When we ‘choose’ to extricate ourselves from relationships, and those communication breaks last for a lengthy period, it becomes very difficult to repair the damage and get back to ‘normal’.  Each repair must be done one-on-one and must be wanted on both sides.  The level of caring by each person will determine the level of success that is possible.  On the one hand, it’s a lot of emotional work to mend bad communications.  On the other hand, life is too short not to enjoy happy relationships.

QUESTION: As we approach the ‘joyous season’, how hard is it for your extended family’s black sheep?


Communication Minefield: ‘Working’ With Friends and Family

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One summer when my children were young, we employed a young ‘nanny’ to come to our house and watch our children days while we were working.   During that time we needed to have the exterior trim on the house painted and this young lady volunteered her unemployed husband to do the job.  Knowing that they could use the money, I quickly agreed to give him the job – how hard could it be to paint trim?  Apparently harder than I realized, if you have the high meticulous standards as my able but time-strapped husband has (who was also paying for this lousy paint job).

When asked, I honestly pointed out to this young lady the parts of her husband’s work that were noticeably subpar (we still paid him for his time).  She became silently outraged at the criticism of her husband and defended him by quitting the next day, without notice or appearance.  So lesson learned – never employ, patronize or transact business with someone, friend or family, that you want to maintain an amicable relationship with afterwards. 

When I was a financial advisor I had a prospect that had to move his portfolio quickly out of his firm that was being bought.  I wanted to do the right thing by him and plan his future.  But his friend quickly volunteered in to move the investments and manage the assets.  While the friend certainly wanted to help (and also wanted the sizeable account) what strain does it put on a friendship to ride the market fluctuations experienced over the last decade?  How do you tell him that you are unhappy when things aren’t going well with your portfolio?  Maybe no one else could do better, but how can you contain your resentment towards him for your loss?  What a strain on a friendship, when the friend was just trying to ‘help’.

That car that you bought from/sold to a friend that turned out to be a lemon – that will sour a relationship; apparently you were just supposed to have ESP and know that the car was a dud, but now the money is gone.   The cash loan, that borrow item, those one-sided favors – all harbingers of bad things to come.   We temper our good feelings of helpfulness with a silent prayer that everything will go expectedly well and count ourselves lucky when it does, lucky that we didn’t have to face the negative. 

When things go well, there is a silent “whew!” of relief.  When things go bad, there is that sinking feeling and silent berating of “Why oh why did I ever use my best friend/my brother-in-law/ my etc. – now I can’t say anything without creating a war…” or at the very least resentment and bad feelings – towards the person for not performing and inwardly for being blind to the repercussions on the standing relationship.

This happens so often in business, when friends go into business together and either the friendship or the business, sometimes both, are ruined.  A local cupcake shop was started by two friends who went to high school together and drifted apart for several decades.  They reacquainted at a reunion and decided to start a business venture together, which was initially successful, but then fell apart due to differing visions.  They realized that they really didn’t know each other at all. 

On some level we all know this to be valid, that we should put up a big caution flag when asked to help out and there’s a price tag attached.   But many of us can’t seem to discipline ourselves to firmly say no to do business with family and friends, on the principle that we have too much to lose if we say yes.

The problem is that we have a hard time holding those we like accountable for their behavior; it’s tough to tow the line with a dear friend, to play the mean card when it needs to be played, to be the boss (if it’s your money) when you are started out and continue to regard yourselves as equals.  There is simply too much ego involved with family and friends, which is not the case with non-friends, even if they turn out to be friends afterwards.

The biggest communication problem happens when clear expectations aren’t set up front, with clear consequences when expectations aren’t met.  And clear lines of responsibility for specific tasks, also with clear consequences if responsibilities fail.  Finally how a potential failure is evaluated.  It’s tough enough to hold our own hand to the fire – how about doing it to your friend or family member?

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:    If you don’t have the personal policy of not using friends and family for business transactions, be prepared to a) write off/lose the investment/money paid entirely without regret, or b) lose/damage/resent the relationship if things turn negative in any way.  If you go into the deal knowing these two realities, you go in with your eyes open.  If you go in blind, protect yourself by setting clear expectations on both sides, setting accountability of responsibilities upfront, and establishing clear timelines on agreed upon consequences if not met.  While not binding or enforceable, at least upfront thinking and discussion paves the way for positive results.

Our Love of Water and What Water Communicates

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Water, water, everywhere – at least that was the case in large parts of coastal New Jersey in lower Manhattan after hurricane Sandy hit.  The devastation that can be caused by an element as pure and innocuous as water typically seems to be is simply amazing.  When water peaks in 15 foot waves, the power that water wields is indisputable.  Anything in its wake succumbs to water’s strength – heavy equipment, concrete structures, roads and vehicles. 

Water covers more than 70% of the planet, so there is plenty of it.  Yet those physical locations that are landlocked, without natural water nearby, seem to be somehow lacking.  Certainly realtors know the greater value of real estate with a water view.  A friend recently created a small man-made pond on her property, with a plastic-lined basin and trucked in water to fill it.  All so she could have a small view of stagnant water, of her own creation.

So why are we so enamored of water?  Clearly water is necessary for life, the building blocks of blood and other bodily fluids, and for the removal of toxins.  We can go for a long stretch without food, but without water our bodies will only last for a few days.  We came from water, literally as a species evolving from ocean life, and as babies out of amniotic fluid.  So to us water represents not death and destruction, via hurricane Sandy, but life and renewal.  We are lulled to sleep by waves and warmth reminiscent of our time in the womb.  Who doesn’t love lying on a beach beside the ocean on a sunny summer day?  Or basking on the deck of the boat gently rocking on calm water?

And so we prize waterfront property, paying top dollar for a second home or primary home near any body, stream, or trickle of water.  But now many residents in Staten Island are wondering whether to rebuild in a place that brought a wave of death, and is susceptible to future waves.  The one-story bungalows in the Midland Beach neighborhoods were not glamorous palaces; these former apartment dwellers endured homes that routinely flooded with heavy rains and backed up sewer systems that routinely overflowed into toilets.  They happily endured water regularly seeping in to their homes because the affordable homes were near the beach.  And now the rebuilding of these homes is in question, since few homeowners carried flood insurance.

Many Midland Beach residents actually stayed in their homes to ride out the storm – where else could they go?  They loved their humble homes and didn’t want them to be vacated and potentially looted.  Several died in or around their homes and many others lost their home to the wave of death.  Now that much of what they had is gone, it begs the question of whether it was worth it?

Most long time owners would say yes, that living in their waterfront home brought years of happiness.  And those with shorter term ownership had dreams of future years of enjoyment.  We love water in all its forms – liquid (for hot and cold nourishment and for play), frozen (for healthful cooling and for play), gas vapor (healthful saunas and steam baths) – and we enjoy looking at it when it is gentle and serene.  For water represents to us goodness, healthful cleanliness, fertility.  It calms us and for the most part makes us feel safe.

We don’t like to think of the ‘bad’ side of water – that it can carry invisible germs that are not safe to drink, that is home to many other forms of life that are dangerous to humans, that it can be personified with a fury that is deadly, in the form of tidal waves that threaten our land and mega-storms that threaten our ships out at sea.  Yes we love what we need, and we certainly need water, and we now have, if we didn’t have it before, in a very healthy respect for the power of water.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Water is in our very life blood; we need it to survive and so we love it and long to be near it, in many of our sports and leisure activities, as well as the view from our window.  Water represents serenity, peace, relaxation from our innocent days in the womb.  When water is also devastating, as recent events have so clearly demonstrated, we are in awe of its power.  It reminds us just how small and helpless we really are – back to the womb.

QUESTION: Do you know anyone who was directly affected by hurricane Sandy?