What makes you crazy?  Lots of things push your buttons, right?  But when something really gets under your skin, the typical behavior pattern is to avoid it, big time.  This is the easy way ‘out’ – just look away and hope that somehow the problem or issue will magically go away or resolve itself, if you just don’t look.  And we always want the easy way.  Who wants to work on the hard way? – it can be so unpleasant…

Children are especially good at avoiding what they don’t want to face or do, with silence.

“Dinner!”  No response.  “Did you hear me? – I’ve called you three times now for dinner!”

“How was school today?”  Silence or “mmmm…”

While this breakdown in communication is perhaps understandable, it still is frustrating, mainly because the passive aggressive approach – lack of engagement – is so hard on the party it is being perpetrated upon – you can’t ‘fight’ fair when the other side won’t engage!  And when that other person is your child it is especially annoying.

There are many ways to deal with this behavior, but one thing NOT to do is to react with anger, threats or illogical punishments.  “I am so sick of your moodiness!  You’re grounded for a week until you can decide to act right instead of acting like a two-year-old!”

My husband’s late aunt had a dear friend, Bob, who was a finance guy, who prepared her taxes for her every year.  She passed away about a year ago, right before tax season.  Of course at the time Bob promised to finish things up tax-wise this year, with anything that cusped over in the few months she lived last year.  But now here we are in the new tax season, and Bob is avoiding communicating with my husband like he has the plague.

My husband has been trying to contact out-of-state Bob for weeks now, by phone and by email with several attempts.  Bob won’t return messages and steadfastly maintains a wall of silence.  My poor husband doesn’t know what he did to this man, who was so very kind last year.  Of course, he didn’t do anything; Bob is simply stuck between yes and no – he wants to be accommodating and say ‘yes’, but for some reason he can’t – perhaps he’s too busy, likely he’s out straight, in over his head with work and just doesn’t have the time.  But he can’t say ‘no’ either, because he promised and he feels he owes it to the memory of his late friend to do this last thing – how can he let her down?  So he is stuck between yes and no – and avoidance, in the form of distance and silence, seems like a viable solution.  But of course it’s not.

Bob is holding all the necessary paperwork and forms needed to file these taxes, so his stubborn avoidance is causing undue work and stress (to my husband, the executor of his aunt’s estate), which could be easily eliminated if Bob would just admit the situation he’s in, back away from the obligation, and turn over the paperwork to have it completed by someone else.  His moral high ground is really problematic and the buttons being pushed are my husband’s.  He is livid with Bob, mainly because the man will not communicate.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When one side avoids communicating, it is next to impossible to resolve an issue.  The avoidance tactic resolves nothing when it is unreasonable and extended.  Communication is a two-way street and both parties must engage to make progress.  To maintain silence in the face of reason is simply childish and is hard to tolerate.  To break the silence from a distance is difficult at best and at some point, you just have to go around the wall and proceed without the other’s participation.

One interesting part of communication with other people is coming to an understanding of their internal rule structure.  Knowing how a person structures rules of behavior helps to understand their willingness and ability to manage themselves and others.

There are 4 rule structure patterns that people commonly fall into:

                    My rules for me/my rules for you – “practice what you preach”

                    My rules for me/your rules for you – “different strokes for different folks”

                    No rules for me/my rules for you – “do as I say, not as I do”

                    My rules for me/period – “my way or the highway”

Sound like a lot of similar words – what does it all boil down to? Basically, our internal rule structure determines to a large extent how we interact with people in general.

Do you get annoyed with people when you do what you’re supposed to do, but they don’t play by the same rules?  “What makes you think that you’re above the law?” – My rules for me/my rules for you.

The manager who doesn’t make expectations clear, because he is reluctant to tell others what to do.  “You do what you think is best, and let me take a look at it after you’re done.” – My rules for me/your rules for you.

How about that supervisor who comes in late every day, but makes it a point to mention to you when you return late from your lunch or break? – No rules for me/my rules for you.

That terrible neighbor who plays loud music at 2:00am is so inconsiderate of others’ trying to sleep! – My rules for me/who cares about you.

The ‘my/my’ person is typically found at work and are good managers, if they don’t go overboard with telling people what to do while delivering their expertise.  Most people (75%) follow this pattern.  In the extreme, this pattern has some very judgmental qualities, when people are overly critical when someone does things differently/’wrongly’.

The ‘my/your’ pattern is the next most common (15% of the overall population).  These people feel that it’s arrogant to tell others what to do, ‘live and let live’ is their motto, since everyone is different and unique.  They can be bad managers but good facilitators, mediators, coaches, counselors, etc. since they can see both sides of things and remain neutral.

7% fall into the ‘no/my’ corner – traditionally middle managers who don’t make the rules, but are tasked with enforcing them to the rank and file.

The ‘my/whatever’ pattern is noticeable in selfish people who have little concern about the effects of their behavior on others.  They don’t see or care about the impact of their actions to others and are best when they work alone.

It’s 3:00am and you’re driving in your car coming into a 6-way intersection; your light ahead just turned red – you see no other cars in sight coming into the intersection – do you drive through?

If “Yes, I drive through, and you do whatever you want” – My rules for me/your rules for you.

If “Yes, I drive through, why would anyone waste time waiting for it to turn green?”  – My rules for me/my rules for you

If “I don’t know what I would do, but you should stop or you risk getting a ticket” – No rules for me/my rules for you.

If “Absolutely I drive through.” – My rules for me/No thought about you.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Knowing someone’s rule pattern on behavior helps to figure out their willingness to manage their own behavior and the behavior of others.  Listen and they will communicate to you their rule pattern, which may be different in different environments. (i.e. commonly ‘my/my ‘at work and ‘my/your’ at home – if the home relationship is good, that is!) and in different situations (i.e. dealing with younger versus older children). 

After a week of doctor visits, I’m feeling the pain – more than what I went in to be seen for – the pain of poor communication, as different docs assumed that they knew the answer to my problem and didn’t bother to ask the right questions – which can make all the difference between assuming and actually being correct.

My issue was with an overly long bout with hoarseness, not painful, but just annoying since my vocation involves speaking engagements.    My GP and an allergist were individually and separately sure that my hoarseness was caused by reflux, since I mentioned having experienced some heartburn.  So they both jumped right on that detail and assumed that was the end of that – problem solved – case closed – on to the next patient.  But I was sure that it wasn’t reflux and the 3^rd doc, an ENT, confirmed it by asking the right questions.  What triggers the heartburn?  How often does it occur –how many times a week/month have you had it over the last year?  The answers revealed that reflux, while potentially an aggravator, wasn’t the primary culprit.  Now why couldn’t the other 2 docs have taken a little extra time to ask some probing questions (and save me extra doc visits)?

In many jobs other than the medical profession, asking great questions is a great skill to have.  Not just in the asking, but in thinking to ask them in the first place.  There is knowing what to ask, there is remembering to ask, and then there is applying one answer to your next question.  And not just posing curiosity questions (“why did you do that?” which goes to behavior explanations, usually emotional reasons), but asking probing questions (“why do you think that?” which goes to mental processes and missing information that the person may reveal).   Some people call this process ‘peeling the onion’ – not that it’s painful and tears may be involved (!) – that there are many layers to an answer and you need to dig down deep, layer by layer, to get to the heart of the matter.

The best salespeople do this well – helping the customer realize their need the value that the solution addresses.  Caregivers should be skillful at this – determining the real needs of their client beyond the outward symptoms.  Parents should probe into children’s questions to insure understanding in their developing brains.  Remembering children don’t think like adults, this is important to do, as they try to make sense of a confusing world.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Probing questions have two major benefits: 1) they show that the person is really listening – a most valued gift of 100% of your full attention, and 2) they reflect a level of caring – a great relationship enhancer, since caring is usually appreciated and often reciprocated.    Acquiring the skill of asking great questions really opens up the communication channel.

Doctors need to communicate well with patients – so how come so many of them are so bad at it?  I went to an allergist today to figure out why my eyes were itchy, my left ear was sore and the main reason for the visit: why my voice has been in and out for about a year now.  Sounds like an allergy to me, and what does this guy tell me? – voice abuse!   So I just have to wonder how such an apparently smart man (he did make it through medical school, so I have to assume he’s somewhat bright) could be so communication dumb!

His medical assessment to me, while perhaps accurate, was unhelpful in so many ways:

1)      Right or wrong, I don’t want to believe that I ‘did’ damage to myself – why the need to place blame?

2)      It’s hard to believe that something as harmless as talking could lead to an exacerbated condition

3)      Even if I was to blame unknowingly, no one wants to be made to feel guilty

4)      Condescending to a patient with a superior attitude is never advisable if you want compliance on the treatment plan

Perhaps office docs are sick of dealing with sick people all day and are near burnout (but they are not sick of collecting a paycheck).  Perhaps they hear the same thing over and over again and are sick of repeating themselves (goes with the territory of being a specialist).  Perhaps they’ve forgotten that when people come in there is a medical problem and those people aren’t at their best (because they’re sick!).

Due to doctors’ superior educations and the all too real ‘white coat syndrome’, most people admit that they lie to doctors.  This can’t be helpful to anything.  The patient is trying to hide some perceived embarrassment, trying to avoid being lectured to like they were a child, about all the ‘shoulds’ they already know, or trying to make their behavior look better than it actually was.  And the doctors know that this lying takes place, or they should know because it’s well documented that it happens all the time.  So what does the doctor do to minimize the lying?  Absolutely nothing.

Doctor training should include how to properly communicate with patients.  Their valuable advice depends on having accurate information.  And the attitude of “if the patient lies, they just end up hurting themselves” doesn’t cut it when the doctor should be trained to ferret out the truth from reluctant patients.  They are being paid to be helpful, in every way possible.

As for me, an unembarrassed truth teller who has no fear of white jackets, I would just appreciate a dose of kindness with my expensive diagnosis of ruining my health by over talking – would it have killed him to have worded his thoughts a little less rudely?

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Good communication is important in many areas, but between the doctor-patient relationship is it of utmost importance.  We don’t like people who treat adults like children, or with condescension – and without likability there is little trust.  Leaving the appointment without trust in what may have been an accurate diagnosis doesn’t exactly make you feel good!  It is also a prescription for non-compliance in the treatment, which is the opposite of what should happen.  In the doctor-patient relationship, the onus is completely on the doctor to create a trusting relationship, yet the importance of this part of their job on resulting treatment is not recognized by nearly enough doctors.

Do you look internally or externally to verify an answer?  And what about the other person – are they internal or external?   How can you tell, why should you care, what does it even matter?

You can spot the ‘internals’ – about 40% of the population – or those with largely internal leanings, with expressions like:

“How do I know?  I just DO.”

“Why should I believe it, just because you heard it or saw it written somewhere?”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“I can handle it myself.”

These people are not necessarily know-it-alls (although all know-it-alls are internal, not all internals are know-it-alls) – they are just extremely sure that their internal compass won’t steer them wrong.  They have strong gut feelings and largely believe them.  If they turn out to be wrong more times than not, internals still remain strong believers in their own views.  They set their own standards and are rarely swayed.

Externals, or those that are largely external, another 40% of the general population,   get their authority from others.  They cite people, books, the internet – sources outside of themselves as their proof that something is valid.  They put care greatly about the opinions of others to help them determine their own opinion.  You will hear externals say:

“Do you think this looks good on me?”

“I can’t wait to hear what she said when you told her that I…”

“See, I told you so – it’s right here online that you’re wrong about…!”

“What will the neighbors think?”

Here’s a quiz:  are these people ‘internal’ or ‘external’? –

a)      “Take what you want, leave the rest”

b)      “Do it now!”

c)       “What are you waiting for?”

What about the appeal of these ads –are they appealing to an ‘internal’ or an ‘external’?

a)      Burger King: Have It Your Way

b)      BMW: The Ultimate Driving Machine

c)       L’Oreal Paris: Because You’re Worth It

So how will this knowledge help you in your communication skills?  If you are trying to influence another to your point of view, trying to convince them of something (important), knowing where the authority comes from with them can really help bolster your argument.  To an internal, never say, “I think you should do blab blab”, or “In my opinion, you need to do blab blab”.  Instead say, “This might help you make up your mind”, or “Let me help you make up your mind” which may sound like the same thing as “In my opinion…” but the difference in the wording really does make a difference in how it lands with the listener – which depends on whether they are internal or external.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  One way to have persuasive communication is to pay attention to the direction of the person’s authority source and structuring your language accordingly – internal orientation or external.  The approach you use can make a persuasive difference – so how important is the communication?

My adult son recently had knee surgery and I was called upon to be Mom (with all that implies) for 5 days while he was unable to get around himself, and his wife was away at a conference.  Over the course of the 5 days I cooked, cleaned, waited on him hand and foot, deferred completely to his needs, while trying to do my own work that I brought to do.  And as the days wore on, I was feeling more and more taken for granted and fully taken advantaged off.  Is this just selfish ego on my part rearing its head?  Or is there more to it than that?

Yes, he’s my son (but no longer a child) so there’s a certain role expectation involved (i.e. that I, fully capable, should help out), and yes, he was infirmed and needed help (and had no problem asking for assistance) but where does the line cross over from “I’m happy to be helpful to an extreme” to “Stop taking advantage of me!”??

While I was there, his father-in-law came by to bring us to a doctor’s appointment, and I noticed him also being very helpful; he regards and treats my son as if he were his own son.  And there was my son, being equally dismissive – dare I say ungrateful? – of both of our helpfulness.  I was a bit embarrassed, thinking I had raised either a terribly independent to the point of ungrateful child or one that was so inept in his communication skills as not to be able to express proper gratitude.

But ‘proper gratitude’ is a relative concept, isn’t it?  To one person a simple “thank you” is fine; to another person’s ear “thank you” without the right tone is insincere.  (He did say ‘thank you’ several times and his father-in-law did not appear offended, even as I thought it wasn’t thanks enough.)  So what is the right way/tone/words for the listener to hear it and feel like it was heartfelt and genuine to an appropriate degree?

Much of that depends on your prior relationship with the person doing the thanking, the degree of effort expended in the task/item being thanked for, and the intuitive skill of the thanker in reading what the thankee wants/deserves/expects.

But the real aha moment came when I realized that I didn’t raise an ungrateful child, I instead trained my son (and all my children) in how to treat me – to take my helpfulness fully for granted.  And his FIL trained him to treat him in a similar manner.  We train other people in how to behave around us and how to treat us – even if that treatment is not what we really want.  It’s still what we get.

We can change the record to play a new song, but it takes conscious recognition of the fact, determination of a new course of action, and knowledge of how to go about making a change.  It’s also helpful to communicate to the person about what’s going on.  Unless you plan to change your demeanor to the world – you will no longer be a victim!

 COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  We train the people in our lives to treat us a certain way, which is why some people treat us differently than other people do.  Or if our entire persona is that everyone treats us the same, if that response is not desirable, it can be changed.  But the change has to come from within, and that person (or the world) has to be re-trained in how they treat you.  You just need to decide that enough is enough and communicate that new position and change your own behavior, which will deliver a different response.

Happiness is a valuable commodity – wanted by all, hard to get for many, hard to hold on to – and available in varying degrees from mildly pleased to wildly ecstatic. Are you as happy as you want to be? How do you know? How do you raise your happiness quotient?

There are different states of personal elation, with the opposite of ‘being happy’ commonly thought of as ‘being sad’. But that is not technically true, as being sad is its own different state. Rather the opposite of being happy is the neutral state of being neither happy nor sad (homeostasis). So we can consider the full spectrum of these polar emotions in the simplest terms states on a continuum of –

• Being happy
• Not being unhappy (i.e. content)
• Neutral (i.e. ok, even bored)
• Not being un-sad (i.e. solemn)
• Being sad

So what brings happiness? While it’s very different for different people, in the broadest sense, happiness is achieved when positive results are known to be fairly imminent. It is certain that something desirable is going to happen – you are going to take a trip, see a loved one, get a promotion, spend time on an enjoyable activity – you are most happy when you first find out the good news, and then maintain happiness all the way leading up to the actual occurrence. The best way to maintain happiness is to delay the ending, which is why there are so many book and movie sequels. A state of suspense (what will happen next?) prolongs our happiness, if the activity is an enjoyable one.

But here’s the real secret to happiness – you do it to yourself. You decide exactly how happy or unhappy you will be. You have control over your own happiness, but few recognize their power over their own mental state, and fewer still exercise their power. You can decide that you are unhappy with the situation at hand, with this person you are dealing with, with the circumstances that life has given you. Or you can decide you’re not unhappy with the same list. It’s really up to you.

Is your life so terrible? Or is it rather great? You can make your life wonderful in your eyes by just changing your attitude and how you think about things. And the benefits of a positive attitude are magical. Because if you believe life is great, it will become great. We make our own realities. And since we each live in our own version of our world, uniquely our own due to our unique perception, of course this must be true. So tell yourself that you are happy, really believe it, and then you will truly make yourself be happy. There are far worse ways to be, which are not just unnecessary but can be mentally harmful.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: People have control over their general happiness which impacts their future and their ultimate well being (there are many documented health benefits to having a positive attitude). When our internally created happiness is externally communicated to the world, the world smiles back, allowing happiness to compound and grow exponentially.

The number one reason why college students fail, drop out, don’t complete their education is that they don’t ask for help when it’s needed!  College, along with many other new tasks, is hard and a foreign experience to all new freshmen – yet there is a reluctance to put their hand up and request the needed assistance in a timely manner.  This happens even though there is lots of money at risk and plenty of help available.

I have been working with a young (24 yr old) client and whenever I say something (“You know what this means, right?”) he readily nods and agrees with me (“Of course”).  After several rounds of this, I finally said, “You really don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?”  And he admitted that he didn’t.  Another case of not acknowledging when you need help.

When I was young and foolish (also in my early 20s) I thought I could swim way beyond my actual abilities.  So without telling anyone of my intentions, I tried to swim across a small lake at a company outing.  Well water distances can be deceiving to the eye, and only at the half way point did I realize that I was in trouble and in danger of drowning.  It literally took a brush with death for me to admit the possibility of failure (the expression “I’ll die trying” was only too real) and cry out for help.

So why is it so hard for some people/most people to ask for help when they are drowning (usually figuratively)?  As I pointed out to my young client, it’s due to him not wanting to appear stupid (which he agreed was the reason), equally true of college students.  The fragile ego doesn’t want to take a beating and let the world know just how inadequate he is for the challenge, and so they take the easy route of ‘fake it until you make it’ – but making it may or may not happen.

There is nothing at all wrong with asking for help.  It’s really the smart thing to do, heeding the wisdom of the cliché ‘no need to reinvent the wheel’.  When another who has experience can help out and wants to render assistance, the smart and time efficient person quickly asks and accepts the help, with proper gratitude.

And most people want and enjoy helping others out – they love being asked and wait for the opportunity to jump in with their expertise (“I thought you’d never ask!”).  Why?  Because it stokes their ego to be allowed to demonstrate their knowledge and allows them to feel good about their ability to help another in need.  So put up your hand and ask already!  You know you need the help, in some area.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Asking for help when needed requires leaving your ego at the door (for some) but can be a real life saver, and certainly a big time saver.  The other bonus is that people love to be asked – for their help, for their advice, for their opinion.  Win-win, but ya gotta ask.

Who do you care for more?  The order in which you name them gives you the answer.  Do you say ‘Mom and Dad’, or is it ‘Dad and Mom’ with you? Hmmm… ever think about it, as those names pop out of your mouth?

Certainly when you’ve know someone longer, they tend to be named first.  The children, for example, tend to be called in birth order: “’Oldest and youngest’ are at their grandmother’s house.”  Speaking about grandparents, how about those in-laws – who is named first (since you met them at the same time in your life)?

My daughter-in-law used to name me first, as in “Let’s go visit your mother (first position) and father (second position)”, back when she liked me.  But then she and I had a large blowup, which we still are recovering from, if ever it repairs.  And after it happened, what do I notice?   Well, first she called me by my first name – which I heavily frown upon as a matter of generational respect – which she had never done before.  Naturally I didn’t respond, so that didn’t repeat.  Then a grandchild was born.  Years ago we had grandparent names all picked out and gotten used to, since I hate ‘grandma’ or any version of it.  My grandmother name is ‘Dolley’ and my husband is ‘Boomer’ (some hockey reference).  And now I notice that with her it’s all about “Boomer and Dolley (I am now in second position)” this and “Boomer and Dolley” that with the grandchild.  Not unexpected but interesting nonetheless.

We get into verbal habits and name groupings are no exception.  ‘Dick and Jane’ become a habitual way of thinking about that couple, but also reflection our preference, or at least our initial preference.   If Dick was the primary friend first, then affection for Jane came later, that’s habit.  If Dick is the brother and Jane is the sister-in-law that’s preference.  If Jane is the sister and Dick is the brother-in-law that might also be preference!  It might have started out as “Jane and Dick” but over the years moved to “Dick and Jane” for you (maybe for only you).

So, is it “you and me” or “me and you” ?  Look around your relationships and think about it.  And with your children, consciously make an effort to change it up.   Go with “Tommy and Sally” once, then “Sally and Tommy” another time.  It’s the little things that become ingrained over time.  When Sally hears “Tommy and Sally” over and over for years, she subconsciously feels like she’s second fiddle and that her brother is favored.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Rarely do we give much weight to who we name first in a multiple naming situation, but there’s some underlying preference to our verbal choice.  We place first the person we are closer to and push out the other name, as not as near and dear.  Since names are very important and very powerful, this phenomenon is rather telling about the relationship between the namer and the named.

BJ’s Optical customer service leaves much to be desired – at least the store in my neck of the woods does.  I recently went in to purchase a pair of glasses and the 2 salesclerks working at that time were merrily chatting away with each other and I was the only customer.  So I approached the desk to ask a question, and it was all they could do to break their conversation to answer.  They apparently view the customer as an interruption, not as a paycheck.  They figured I would buy or not buy, but it really didn’t matter to them at all.  The job entailed simply showing up as enough; there’s no requirement or incentive to be nice.

So ‘Kellie’ went through the motions of ordering my glasses, with zero extra effort expended.  At this point I have little faith that they were ordered correctly and I was rather sorry to spend my money there.  While I could have chosen to leave and shop elsewhere on principle, that day (every day) I was short on time and the product was adequate with a decent price.  So there you have it – a stuck consumer who just puts up with sub-par service and the company gains my business anyway.  That latter is really sad.

When bad service is completely unprovoked, it saddens me greatly that this is such a common scenario in too many places.  The attitude exhibited is clearly, ‘this is just a job and I really don’t care’.  Plus when the management partakes (yes, sadly one of them was the manager) it’s hopeless to register a complaint.  Big companies like BJ’s Optical with hundreds of locations are too big to care about local service.  It’s simply about numbers, not faces – bottom line results primarily based on pricing and selection.  There’s no concern that the buyer walks away with an icky feeling.

The cliché about bad service – the salesgirl snapping gum and doing her nails on the job – is not far off the mark these days.  The culture of large companies created the cliché and allows it to continue, even as the consumer moves away from retail stores.  If the sales staff is going to be terrible anyway, you might as well move to fully impersonal and save time, gas, and a buck by shopping online.  And the message these large companies with a culture of allowing poor customer service communicates to consumers is that the customer is not important.  Certainly not important enough to bother to interrupt your side conversation.

While Wal-Mart has its own issues around working conditions and not buying in the US, at least the culture at Wal-Mart is friendly!

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Branding is certainly impacted when companies allow their front line workers to communicate that bad service is not simply acceptable but is the norm.  When these businesses get the sale anyway due to lack of enough product competition, or pervasiveness of this malaise at other retailers, then there is little hope that a cure will happen anytime soon.  As the bricks and mortar sales environment continues to negatively change with cutbacks, I certainly miss the good old days (not that long ago) when good service was standard.