It is so hard not to be judgmental – we are all dying to give our opinion on everything, whether it’s asked of us or not.  “Here’s my two cents on the subject” (“Didn’t ask you for it”); “If you want to know what I think about it…” (“Um, no not really…”); “I can’t believe that you don’t know…” (“I can’t believe you just said that”); “In my opinion you should…” (“So who asked for your opinion?”).

We pass judgment on everything, and of course our blessed opinion is always right simply because in our mind, our judgments are just so darn good! We have the best common sense and we need to leave our influence on our little corner of the world, if indeed anyone cares to listen.

Here’s the problem: while we are busily judging others we are also scared that they are judging us right back, and not always in a positive way.

“I wonder if she thinks I’m fat?”

“Is he looking at me funny? What’s he looking at anyway? What’s wrong with me?”

“What did she mean by that comment?”

“His tone was a rather harsh.  What does he think I’ve done now?”

Most times this paranoia is unwarranted, but we don’t know it.  The look we perceive as “funny” is just a look, the comment is an innocent one, the tone is influenced by something outside of us and has nothing to do with the interaction.

What a relief if you can just unload all the judgment and let things go. Let life happen without worrying about every little thing, without over thinking things, injecting undue gravity where their need be none.  Trusting that if seriousness is warranted, it will be requested.  What a far better way to live your life.

Frontloading this change with the important relationships in your life is so helpful.  Before departing on that long family vacation, before any squabbles begin, how about announcing, “Let’s have a fun trip by deciding in advance that no one is out to hurt anyone else’s feelings.  We agree to treat each other with respect and honesty and will give each other the benefit of assuming best intentions.”

By being proactive and setting this up in advance it should eliminate accusations down the road of, “You can’t tell her anything – she just wants everything her own way” and “I’m so sick of his games – he says one thing but means another” and many of the other ridiculous tirades that ‘loving groups’ in close proximity inevitably engage in, as they get on each other’s nerves.

Here comes a communication roadblock that I bet you weren’t expecting – reassuring.  How, you ask, can reassuring be an impediment to good communication?  Shouldn’t all good parents try to reassure their adolescents when they need support.  Although on the surface reassurance sounds innocent and helpful, like the other communication barriers, it can drive a wedge between parent and child.

Reassurance seems like a way to comfort the person but actually it does the opposite.  Reassurance does not allow the comforter to feel what the other person is feeling – it is a form of emotional withdrawal.  It is used by people who like the idea of being helpful but do not want to experience the emotional work that goes with really being comforting.

“Cheer up.”

            “I’m sure that things will get better.  They always do.”

            “By next week I’m sure that you will have forgotten all about this.”

Are you reassured by these statements?  They are actually quite dismissive of whatever the issue is that the adolescent is facing and of her feelings, which are very real to her in the present.

A better approach is to listen with empathy.  A simple ‘mm-hmm’ can connote understanding which serves to encourage the teen to continue; you are actively listening and right there with her feelings.

Even attentive silence is often more reassuring than words can be.  Silence allows the person to think about what to say, gives him space to experience the multitude of feelings swirling within, allowing him to go inside and express himself.  Silent responsiveness is essential to good listening (as long as the silence isn’t excessive, which is not desirable) and therefore essential to good communication, of which listening is a big part.

So the next time you are tempted to pour on the reassurance, instead block the urge and try attentive silence with a soft ‘mm-hmm’ instead.  Then just be there and listen for the feelings.

A cooperative teen – is there such a thing?  A pleasantly cooperative teen – now there’s a rare creature!  And why do most teens rebel, seemingly strive to be annoyingly uncooperative, desperate to challenge you on every occasion, even when it’s to their benefit not to be difficult?  It’s due to a little matter of independence – which is not so little to the teen!  And it’s also very unconscious behavior on their part, so hold your annoyance (not easy to do, I know).

Independence is how they grow and eventually leave your nest, which is what you ultimately want.  You both want the same thing in the end, but the way that it happens – constant bumping of heads – can be so very trying to the parent’s sanity!

Parents can often be deemed the “enemy”- the one who is always making them do what they don’t want to do, or stopping them from doing what they want to do

Teen:    I’ll do as I want!

Parent: No, you’ll do exactly as I say!

Then off we go, as yet another fight begins.  And you find your insides churning every time you have to ask your teen to do the simplest thing…

So how do you lessen the hostility and engage cooperation?  That’s certainly the desired solution, instead of  enduring years of degrees of mental anguish.

This is best accomplished not by manipulating the teen’s behavior but rather by speaking to what’s best in the teen – his intelligence, her initiative, his sense of responsibility, her sense of humor, his ability to be sensitive to the needs of others, her empathy.

The use of language that nourishes self-esteem rather than wounding the spirit is another way to engage cooperation.

Also, creating an emotional environment that encourages cooperation, a true demonstration that you care, also works.

Know that the tone behind words is as important, if not more important, than the words themselves.   For developing adolescents to thrive, parental attitude should communicate, “You’re basically a lovable capable person.  Right now there’s a problem that needs attention.  Once you’re made aware of it, you will probably respond responsibly.”

Of no help and actually damaging is a defeating attitude that communicates, “You’re basically irritating and inept.  You’re always doing something wrong, and this latest incident is one more proof of your wrongness.”

Two-way respectful communication is a skill to be developed and a gift to be passed on and maintained for the teen’s entire life.   How are you doing with that?

Picking up from the last post, here’s another way that communication is blocked while dismissing the other person’s concerns: logical arguing.  Oh, I know you reasonable people love to argue logically, but what happens when you do?  The other person does not feel properly understood.  What using logic does is it highlights reason to the exclusion of emotion.

Teen:               I hate school.

Parent:            You hate school, why?  What’s wrong?

Teen:               I just hate it and I’m not going.

Parent:            Well if you don’t go to school, you will be uneducated and will never get a decent job.

                        I hope you’re planning a future living in poverty.

Teen:               Oh, stop already with the poverty lecture again!

Parent:            It’s true; you can’t argue the facts.  Without an education, statistically you won’t find gainful employment. 

Teen:               What a waste of time trying to talk to you…  

Logic is an important part of rational thinking; we want our children to develop into rational intelligent thinkers, but emotions, not logic, drive most of decision interactions.  Logic has little to do with language and even less to do with behavior.  If logic were useful for persuading people to do things, everyone would eat a healthy diet and get enough exercise.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When a situation is emotionally charged, logical thinking goes out the window, and providing logical solutions can be infuriating.  When the discussion is heated and emotions are running high using logic tends to alienate rather than to help.

Logic in these times creates an emotional distance, since logic focuses on the facts and avoids feelings.  When the child has a problem, or when the parent is the problem, feelings are the main issue.  Using logic to avoid emotional involvement is communication withdrawal.  And using logic when the other person is emotional is a sure way to roadblock the communication as the person does not feel at all understood.

One common roadblock in communicating is when parents dismiss the adolescent, making him feel unimportant, trivial, unworthy of attention.  Diverting is one form of dismissing – the practice of switching the conversation from the other person’s concerns to your own topic.  This is usually caused by lack of awareness and ineffective listening skills.  Or more commonly it is due to wanting to grab the focus of attention for yourself.

Parent:        How was school today?

Child:          Not so good.  Mr. Jones yelled at me in gym class and I got hit by the volleyball.”

Parent:        Oh, that’s not so bad.  When I was your age I was always the last one picked

                   for teams in gym.

Child:           But I got hit by the ball which isn’t my fault and it hurt!

Parent:        It hurts worse to always be the last one picked.

Child:           I’m really a pretty good player.

Parent:        I hated gym class…

This child is still trying to talk to the parent, but won’t for long if the parent keeps diverting.

We are all selfish by definition (Darwin’s ‘survival of the fittest’ insures competition and watching out for self-interests in order to survive); we are subconsciously always thinking “what’s in it for me?” with each interaction we engage in.  Having the conversation turn to self-interests feels satisfyingly indulgent to the ego, even if the conversation is with a mere child.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Maintaining the focus on the child instead of indulging in divergences, giving your full attention is good communication.  We can be pretty good at pulling the child back when the conversation goes off track and they divert (“Never mind about [that], let’s stay on the topic of your school work”].  Being mindful of your own diverting roadblock is good practice in communicating well.

Dispensing advice is another common operational mode for parents, another commonly used communication roadblock.  Of course parents expect to advise their children, as their parents did before them.  But advice is not always constructive, and it’s so easy and tempting to fall into the advice-giving trap.  It can be really hard as parents to give up giving unsolicited advice, especially when your beloved child tells you that she wants to talk over a problem with you.

“Why don’t you go find something productive to do with yourself?”

 “Don’t just lay around watching TV all day.  That’s not very useful.”

“Whatever happened certainly wasn’t worth ruining a perfectly good day over.”

Now I can hear you thinking ‘But my advice is soooo good – born of hard won experience! – surely you’re not suggesting that I abandon advising my own child?  I just want to spare him the pain of going through the hard lessons in life.’  Yes, of course you feel this way, and when your advice is actually asked for, by all means deliver it with enthusiasm.  The advising that you should avoid is when you think you know the best course of action your adolescent should take and you foist that unsolicited advice upon her.

Advising is often an insult to the other person’s intelligence and their problem-solving ability.  It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the teen to understanding and their ability to cope with their own difficulties.  It doesn’t allow them the chance to figure out how to problem-solve on their own and find a viable solution.  Instead it says, “the answer is obvious and you’re too stupid/young/inexperienced to see it”.

While it may be true that they are young, inexperienced, and immature still they need the opportunity to learn and to make their own mistakes, as long as the situation is not life-threatening.  Your gentle guidance towards a solution may be called for, but giving direct advice misses a valuable learning and developmental opportunity.

Teen:               I don’t know what to do in this situation with my teacher; he’s being so unfair! 

                        What should I do?

Parent:            “Well, what are some options that you can think of? 

                         Let’s write down all the possibilities then discuss each one, OK?”

Another problem with advising children is that the parents seldom understand the complexities, feelings, and hidden factors underneath the surface that the adolescent is experiencing around the situation.

You charge in with wonderful advice but you are viewing the situation from your own point of view, how you would feel in the situation, without fully knowing, understanding or sharing the concerns that the child is feeling.

These feelings may be hard for the child to articulate, but they are very real nonetheless, no matter how foolish they may seem to the parent who has long forgotten how it feels to be and think like an adolescent.

By pushing your valuable advice, usually unsolicited, you rob the child of the opportunity to develop problem solving skills that will be needed later in life.  It can be very hard to hold back, since of course, your solution is much better than anything the ill-equipped adolescent could ever dream up herself.  Yet he is the one that has all the information, all the risk, and must implement the solution, therefore he is the one who is best suited to solve his own problem.

And when she does, her independence grows, along with her confidence and feelings of self-responsibility in creating her own future.

Questions have a proper place in communication.  However when questions are bombarded onto a child, or the familiar question-and-non-response pattern kicks in, questions then become communication stoppers.

Parent:           Where were you last night? 

Teen:               Out.

Parent:           I know you were out, I asked you where you were. 

Teen:               Well I wasn’t here. 

Parent:            Obviously I know you weren’t here – where were you?

                        Who were you with?

                        When did you get home?

                        Why didn’t you let us know your plans?

                        Were you with that Smith boy that we don’t like? 

Teen:              I’m tired.  I’m going to bed.

One way to deal with ambivalence – he may want to self-disclose yet is hesitant to do so – is not with a barrage of questions but rather by recognizing and reflecting back.  Perhaps it can be difficult to talk about some things; reflecting that fact helps to promote understanding: “I know you might not want to talk about it right now… When you like to discuss it?”

Another way is to invite a discussion rather than trying to force one.

Parent:              We were worried about you last night.  Want to talk about it?

Teen:                Not really.

Parent:              I can see that you’re tired and look a little troubled. 

                         You know you can talk to me anytime.

Teen:               I know.  I don’t feel like it right now.

Parent:            OK.  Maybe later.

Teen:              Yeah, OK.  Maybe later.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  There is a right way and a wrong way to question teens, and excessive bombarding of questions is rarely the right approach to take.  Slow and steady, soft and easy keeps emotions in check and smoothes out communication hurdles – as long there is no imminent danger present.  This is not to suggest setting aside asking about serious issues, which absolutely need discussion.  It’s the way that the questions are asked that can impede getting answers.  

“It’s the right thing to do” [“Am I a bad person for not wanting to do it?”]       

“You ought to care more about other people’s feelings” [“What about MY feelings?”]   

“God doesn’t like to hear you talking like that.”

Moralizing is demoralizing as it fosters anxiety, resentment, inhibits honest self-expression and invites pretense.  Moralizing is teaching children that ideas backed with abstract social, moral, or theological authority are absolute givens, regardless of anything else.

Parents who moralize often do so with condescension, which leads to more resentment.

Child:         I don’t want to invite Danny to my birthday party.

Parent:      Now you know that you ought to invite everyone in the class and

                  it’s rude to exclude anyone. 

Child:        He won’t care.  He doesn’t even like me and I don’t like him either.

Parent:      Nonsense.  Of course you like him.  And you can’t have a party and leave anyone out.

                 It’s just not right.

Child:        I don’t want him there!

Parent:      No Danny, no party.  That’s final.

One way to have good communication is to listen with empathy.  An empathetic listener invites conversation rather than shutting it down.  An empathetic parent respects privacy and is not intrusive, honoring the child’s separateness rather than violating it. In difficult relationships where there is little trust and communication has not been flowing well for some time, it may take a while to rebuild trust.  Good listening skills help nurture building trust.

A threat is a solution that is delivered with an emphasis on the punishment that will be forthcoming if the solution is not implemented.  Threats produce the same kind of negative results that orders (refer to previous post) do.

How easy it is for the all-powerful parent to exert their power by threatening their fairly helpless child with some form of punishment if they don’t do as they’re told.

       “If your grades don’t improve you will be grounded until they do!”

      “Answer me right now or I will make you answer me!”

      “I am sick of your room looking like a mess.  The next time I step in here if it’s not cleaned up I’m packing it all up and throwing everything you own into the trash!”

Much of the time the threats screamed by parents in anger are idle rants and just something to say to get a reaction; they don’t actually have a serious intention of following through with the threatened action.  But this is dangerous for a number of reasons.

For one thing, the child may initially believe the threat and then quickly learns that the parent can’t be taken at their word.  Once this lesson is learned, it can’t be unlearned, and the next threat is dismissed with, “Yeah, you don’t really mean that, since you say that stuff all the time, and nothing ever happens”.  Or “Go ahead, do it – I dare you!“.  Now the parent is stuck in a situation of their own making.

Or the parent feels compelled to follow through with the threat, to be true to their word, once they’ve taken a firm stand, and then does something that they later regret.

What is gained when all the child’s things are thrown out, as in the example above?  Not only is there the expense of re-buying or trying to salvage the items, but deep damage happens to the child when the attack is so personal.  The child’s identity is tied up with their possessions.

And often the initial point get lost in all the guff – was it to get them to clean their room?  There are so many better ways to communicate with children then issuing idle threats.

One big roadblock to good communication is delivering solutions, with ‘ordering’ a prime solution delivery vehicle for many parents.

“Get over here right now! (or you’ll be sorry)”

“Stop making that noise and go make yourself useful. (Don’t make me come over there”)

An order is a solution that is sent coercively and backed by authoritative force.  When coercion is used, resentment and resistance is often the result.  Sabotage is another option.

Children who are constantly given orders may become very submissive and compliant.  Orders imply that the child lacks good judgment and therefore undermines their developing self-esteem.

Orders command action and reinforce to the child the subservient role that they know they occupy.  The parent has all the power (at least with young children), which may allow the parent to feel good, especially if don’t enjoy the same level of influence in their adult relationships.  But to abuse this power by constantly ordering their children around serves to model bad behavior for the child to copy.

Children order their siblings around, which leads to resentment.  A common sibling reply to an order is “You’re not the boss of me!” (Or the older child version: “Who died and made you boss?“)  They are imitating what they see and what they want – to be the power in the relationship.  Often these children grow up to be intimidating bosses to fearful employees.

Orders are absolutely appropriate when the child is in imminent danger. “Don’t touch the hot stove!”, “Stop- don’t cross the street!  A car is coming!”  And when those orders are few and far between, it guarantees that when you raise your voice in an important order, you will be listened to.

When there is no imminent danger present, there are many more respectful ways to communicate with children of any age instead of ordering them around.

With a military trained father, orders were the norm in our house: “Please pass the salt” resulted in a response of “Please pass the salt WHAT?” to which the expected reply was, “Please pass the salt, SIR!”.  Boot camp training in respect for little children who didn’t know they signed up for the 18-year tour of duty! Yikes!  Don’t do this to your kids.