The last post touched on teenage independence, moving away from parents and establishing their own identities.  Let’s delve into this topic a little deeper, since it’s a very important part of the adolescent phase of development.

Sometimes it seems that our teens are asking us to get out of their lives, but they really don’t mean it. What they are desperate for is their independence and to form their own identity, different from their parents.   That yearning for independence and accompanying distance often seems like a determination to keep their parents at bay, which can be rough on parents, who maybe hanging on to stay connected.   Parents need to do just that, maintain a good connection with their adolescent, no matter how hard and challenging it may seem to do so.

“You’re ruining my life!”  “I can’t stand being in this family!” Or from the parent’s point of view, “First she criticizes me whenever I say anything. But then when I don’t say anything, she gets mad at me for ignoring her. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t – I just can’t win with her.”  It’s hard to love an adolescent who blows minor things up way out of proportion, debates every little issue, or answers every question with a monosyllable.  Yet love them we must, for it is exactly what they need, even when it seems like they don’t want our love or could care less.  Hang in there and know that you’re doing the right thing.

The challenge of maintaining the balance between connection and prying, between giving love and getting verbal abuse, between guidance and power struggles is a tough line to walk.  But walk it we must, even if every day is a struggle, for the better part of 10+ years.  Not to paint a wholly negative picture, because there are many wonderful moments inside of the adolescent years for sure.  But it is also a very trying time for many parents, requiring skills instead of the gritting of teeth and looking the other way until the years gratefully pass.

So what are some of these skills? One is to understand that this is a very natural part of growing up, even while disliking it. You don’t have to enjoy the process, but recognizing it for what it is helps you to get through with minimal damage.   Learn not to take it personally, when he yells mean things in your direction. Another help is to lower your expectation of what your teen is capable of giving during this tumultuous time for them.  They are going through so many changes, physical – raging hormone shifts – and mental – rapid brain development – plus the novelty of it all, going through it without a roadmap.  Maintaining a good sense of humor is another helpful skill.  Humor can really help to maintain good relationships.  There’s nothing like a good laugh to break the tension.  And apologizing when you are wrong and have made a mistake, when you overreacted when you shouldn’t have, is a good way to express how much you care.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  We always love our kids, but admittedly that love can be highly tested during the trying adolescent years.  But it is of paramount importance to maintain a good connection, deliver strong guidance, and keep pouring on the love during this time when they may be pushing towards independence, necessitating a push away from their parents.  Holding on to a connection, enforcing consequences as part of guidance, reminding of the deep level of caring you have for them will ultimately help them get through these years. And when they emerge on the other side, the adult relationships will be stronger because of the turmoil.

Parents are busy – you make big promises about all the fun things you will do together when you can squeeze out an afternoon to go somewhere special – a trip to the children’s museum, a movie, working on a special project together, etc, etc.  You’re quite certain that you will find the time… someday… and the promises stretch into years as the career is built and childhood turns into adolescence.  When you turn around to spend all that promised time with them, surprise!  – adolescents they don’t want to be seen with their parents, a prime embarrassment to them!!!

When children are little they don’t necessarily want to go somewhere special, they just want to spent time with their parents, quality time, as in having your full attention.  But parents who are physically present in the room with children are not always present in spirit, instead engaging with technology – TVs, computers, and largely mobile devices.  Younger children feel marginalized by their parents’ rapt attention on technology – notably cell phones and i-pads – viewing mobile devices as their competition, from a very young age.

Adults that are phone addicts yearn for the constant stimulation and novelty that being online gives.  They think that their children want the same external stimulation, which is an acquired habit that they end up passing on to their children.  With summer coming, are you ready for the “I’m bored!” lament coming in the upcoming long summer days?  How do you think they became that way?

Younger children yearn for their parents’ approval, their attention, their time – initially not their money, their gifts, or their possessions.  Adolescence necessarily brings a separation from parents, as they move towards (yearn for) independence.  This is a good thing, even as it’s felt like a rebuff by parents.  Parents don’t want their cuddly young children to grow up so fast and leave them in the dust, feeling not just marginalized themselves, but downright pushed away (“please don’t let my friends see you when you drop me off”).  This is as natural a part of adolescence as it is a painful part of being the parent of an adolescent.

Raise your hand if you remember a clinging toddler crying and begging you not to leave them with a sitter/daycare.  Is this the same toddler, now an adolescent, who walks 10 paces behind or ahead of you when out shopping for school clothes less anyone sees them out in your company?  Keep telling yourself, “It’s a natural part of this stage.  S/He doesn’t really hate me. “Wash, rinse, repeat many times through the cycle (it’s a very long stage).

If it help, think about my husband’s aunt who was doing the laundry for her son (even living under a different roof!) until he was well into his 40s!!  You know you don’t want to be that person.  Let them go gracefully (and healthily).

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:   Young children just want to spend quality time with their parents, but they are usually trained into wanting things, which are a busy parent’s guilty conscience making up for the time they don’t feel they have to give.  The family time that is available is often not quality time when the parent is distracted by electronic devices over attention paid to the child.  Ironically, when the parent notices that the child could use some attention, is the time that the adolescent is moving towards independence and necessarily away from their parents.  So enjoy the young years, freeing your time with your child from distractions, because those precious years are fleeting, with the standoffish adolescent years certain to follow.

A female adult friend walked by, touched my hair, and said one word, “dark”.  Instantly my brain shifted into high gear – what did she mean by that??  Was that a positive comment …? or was there a negative connotation?  What tone was used with that one word??  What did she want me to get out of that observation, if anything?  Later, after my emotional brain calmed down, my logical brain wondered: why do we care about what other people think?  Why do we bother ourselves by reading too much into an offhand comment?  It’s certainly not important in the scheme of things, so why do we waste time on thinking about it?

As much as we may think or say that we don’t care about what other people think about us, deep down we do care, we have to care, we’re hardwired to care.  Part of survival requires cooperation, which means we have to care about others and facilitate their cooperative efforts if we are to survive.  While in an adult may be able to brush off an offhand comment as truly unimportant, it is much harder for an adolescent to do the same with their peers. Why is peer opinion oh so important in adolescence?

As an adolescent moves from childhood to adulthood, with some thinking erroneously that they are already they are (“I’m not a baby anymore; if you haven’t noticed, I’m pretty much all grown up”) because of their often full adult size, they are moving into strange new territory and uncharted waters.  Who better to help them navigate this foreign turf except others who are going through it with them, their peers.  Fitting in with their peers becomes immensely important; the pressure to fit in consumes their waking hours.

Have you ever noticed that when you’re traveling in a foreign land or going through a new experience and you see a fellow traveler, that you create a nearly instant bond with that person?  The old expression ‘misery loves company’ has validity.  Adolescents are going through similar difficult times, as they are moving in unfamiliar terrain, filled with new emotions and novel experiences.  So of course they bond closely with their fellow comrades in arms.

The opinion of peers takes on great weight and can make or ruin a teen’s mood, when just a look or a single word is interpreted wrongly.  And their parent’s opinion matters little since family is not the group that they need to fit in with.  An adolescent’s very identity is being formed, with the help of their peers’ influence, and they must move away from their parents to do so.

To make things worse, adolescence overlaps with great physical changes that make them very self-conscious about their physical appearance.  Height, weight, acne, sexual development, all brought on by the onset of puberty make self-image and the accompanying self-esteem a real battleground.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Adolescents have many challenges that they are going through, with peer pressure – a self-imposed need to fit in – as a big part of this stage. To help them through parents can do several things.  One is to refrain from making derogatory remarks about the teen’s physical appearance.  Understanding the extreme sensitivity of the teen’s physical appearance offers good support during the difficult years.  Another is to recognize the importance of friends to your teen and to not put them down.  Making time to talk about peer pressure and how to manage it helps your teen make independent decisions. 

When I was growing up, my parents were very secretive about their finances.  It was an unspoken rule that it was not to be discussed how much they could afford, how much to spend on anything, or the overall budget in general.  I grew up not knowing anything about how to run money, without even a regular allowance to practice with.  Finally at 15 I decided to get a job and never looked back on running money.  I opened a checking account, bought a car, paid my own bills (decided I wanted contact lenses, picked a doctor, got myself to every appointment and paid for everything myself), sent myself on overseas vacations with my friends, etc.  Those were different times.

Then raising kids of my own, I was very active in teaching them how the world of money works.  From a young age they had an allowance that ran like a checking account: they did chores, were paid a weekly ‘salary’ with annual raises based on added responsibilities as they aged up, had the chance to work ‘overtime’ when saving up for something, and could advance against future earnings only up to 2 weeks out.  We had a whiteboard in the kitchen that we ran the debits and credits against, so very little real money actually changed hands until they needed to spend it.  They learned to save up for what they wanted beyond the basics.

A perennial question is whether parents should pay allowance for doing chores or instead give an allowance just for being alive, with no strings attached.  The latter thinking is that allowances and doing chores have different purposes – allowances are to teach children how to manage money; doing chores are to develop a sense of responsibility and a work ethic.  The former thinking believes that you need to tie chores to allowances so as not to raise entitled children; children need to learn that the only way to gain money is to earn it and the natural consequence of not working is no money.  Whatever your views on this debate, I will tell you that it worked well for me with my four children (now all adults with healthy money habits) was to tie allowances to chores, however only loosely monitoring the completion.

They also received a back-to-school allowance to shop for new clothes and sneakers.  Anything big that they wanted that they couldn’t save enough for, they learned to put on their birthday or Christmas list, thereby learning the value of patience and delayed gratification.   Or if that was simply too far away, I would cost share with them for the extra must-have item, but they needed to save up a full 50%.  Another tradition in our family was that on each child’s birthday the other siblings also received one smaller gift, so they wouldn’t resent the birthday sibling so much on their special day.  A full year is a long time to wait when you’re young.

As my children reached high school age, I took out a separate credit card with each one in both of our names, with a low limit, which I controlled and helped them to establish credit.  When they went to college, the card went with them, again with a low $3,000 limit, and they carried the card forward into adulthood, paying off the balance each month.  They grew up with a healthy respect for credit and knowledge of how to handle it and how to handle money in general.  And their high 800 credit rating for their young ages helped them to rent apartments and buy cars when they were just starting out.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  So many college and beyond aged kids who are trying to function in the real world have no idea how to run money, and consequently get into trouble with money and bad credit.  Delayed gratification is not in their vocabulary, and credit cards are too easy to get, which lands them quickly into credit card trouble.   The money lessons need to start in early childhood (beginning in first grade with $.50 a week is a good start) and continue in escalation with more complex lessons for a dozen years, up to high school graduation.   A good basic financial foundation will serve them in good standing, as so many of adult problems revolve around money!

The last post talked about viewing the glass as half empty or half full, which leads to today’s topic – what if your teen always see the glass as half empty – is very negative in his or her outlook, and never seems to snap out of the blues? Depressed teens usually feel like the glass is half-empty: on school, on romance prospects, on future success. When this consistent focus on the negative descends, it tends to begin in the mid teens (around 15-16 years old) and happens more quickly in girls than in boys.

How can you tell normal teen moodiness from real depression, which is a mental illness that adult sufferers frequently state began in adolescence? The adolescent years are a time of huge hormone shifts which frequently results in wild and sudden mood swings. But the child with a pervasive sadness that descends and never lifts is not just experiencing normal teen moodiness. When adolescents feel blue and the depressed feelings are not related to external events or to female monthly cycles, there is cause to seek outside help for a diagnosis of clinical depression.

There is nothing wrong with being diagnosed as having a mental illness and there should be no stigma attached with a disease that impairs a specific body part, just like any other disease. With depression, as with other mental illnesses, that body part is the brain. Teenagers are greatly concerned with peer acceptance and peer pressure so for them, unfortunately, a stigma is frequently attached to mental illness. Therefore teens are reluctant to come forward and ask for help, with many not even recognizing that clinical depression is indeed a mental illness. Many even wrongly believe that the depression is their fault and criticize themselves constantly, even while not understanding why they feel bad.

“I hate my life and I hate myself.”
“The doctor said that this is common and that I’m fine, so it must be my fault.”
“I’ve got nothing to feel bad about – I have lots of friends with worse problems than me. Why do I feel so bad? I feel rotten inside. ”

Depressed teens are often grouchy, overly touchy, and easily irritated. Sounds like your normal teen mood swings, right? To distinguish depression from mood swings, several other accompanying symptoms help to make a proper diagnosis:

– changes in appetite
– unexplained weight loss or weight gain
– low-energy
– feelings of hopelessness
– vague physical complaints
– preoccupation with songs of sadness and despair
– giving away of possessions
– neglecting personal appearance
– withdrawal from friends
– loss of interest in pleasurable activities
– dark thoughts or openly dark expressions

While in any teen may have many of these symptoms at various times, a prolonged bout of multiple symptoms is worth discussing with the physician.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: The increased risk for suicide (the third leading cause of death among teens) is the scariest part of teen depression. A vigilant parent who stays connected in their teen’s life, keeping watch for developing problems is the best solution to help teens get the appropriate support they need during the difficult years. By asking questions and staying involved, even while being pushed away, a parent can do the tough job of parenting properly.

It’s all in your perspective – optimistic (glass half full) or pessimistic (glass half empty).  But be wary of your leaning as you are raising kids, because your influential view is passed on to them daily.

Do you find yourself saying things like:

“I have so much left to do – I’ll never get to the bottom of the list!”

“It’s a never ending circus around here!”

“I’m tired just looking at that pile of laundry; I dread the thought of doing it.”

“Three days have already gone by and my vacation is already almost over…”

Or are you the type to think and say:

“Done! Now there’s another thing accomplished to check off the to-do list!”

“The activity around here is so energizing!”

“Laundry day – dig in and it will be done in no time.  Let’s put on some tunes to make the time more fun.”

“4 more vacation days still left to enjoy – what will we do tomorrow?”

How you position the situation is all in the way you frame it.  There really is two ways to view everything – one more positive and one more negative.  And you have control over it, even if you don’t think to exert that control.  But why wouldn’t you, once you recognize you have it, since there is little to no value of having a negative view, except to makes everyone miserable, yourself included.  Negative framing is just a habit, the ‘poor me’ feeling, to elicit sympathy (but often getting pity instead, which no one wants).  It takes some effort to think about then change negative thoughts, but it can be done and new positive thinking habits formed.  And a side benefit is that you’ll feel uplifted with a brighter outlook!

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When children pick up the negative thinking habit, they likewise turn into unhappy, negative adults.   This is an unfortunate by-product of living in environment with adults with a generally pessimistic /negative outlook on life.  What a shame since it doesn’t have to be that way, as we can change our outlook simply by changing our thoughts and our words.  The glass can be half full, not half empty, all the time!

Do you like surprises?  Many people say they do, but in reality we only like GOOD surprises – the kind that make us feel warm and fuzzy, cared for or about, valued and remembered.  Those surprises are indeed good, but they are not that common.

More common are the unpleasant surprises – the dog left something for you on the rug; your doorbell rings with unexpected houseguests; your ex shows up at the same intimate gathering.  Unexpected happenings commonly occur when you are not prepared, the timing is not good, or you would just rather not.  All of them are surprises in that they are unplanned.  But still we insist we like surprises.  In fact most surprises are annoying at best and often disappointing (surprise!  Someone else got it and you weren’t picked for the job/promotion/ award!).

When it comes to raising kids the goal should be clear communication with no surprises.  It takes real effort to keep the communication clear and the best way to do this, since no one is perfect, is to check the understanding, at every age.

Not, “Do I make myself (perfectly) clear?” which parents are fond of saying in a harsh tone, when they’re laying down the law.

Rather, “Did I express myself clearly?  I want to be sure there is no misunderstanding of what I’m saying.  Could you please repeat it back so I know that we both have the same understanding?”

When things are checked on both sides in a respectful way, there are no surprises.

“I thought you said it would be OK to extend my curfew because the movie was running late.”

“I said no such thing.  When did you tell me the movie would end after your curfew?”

“I clearly said that this was a long movie – you heard me say that.”

“Long does not translate into past curfew.  You should have chosen an earlier showing.  Now you’re grounded for the rest of the month for breaking curfew 3 times in a row!”

“I hate you!  You never want me to have a life!”

Adolescents like to test the limits because they are learning how to stretch the boundaries to see just where the parents ‘end’ and they ‘begin’.  It’s part of the independence process, but can be hard for parents to adjust to and to live with.  Clear communication can help adolescents in this self-identification process.

“You know I don’t like surprises, and I am surprised that you missed your curfew tonight.  There have already been 2 incidents this week and you know the consequences of a 3^rd.  I don’t want you to be grounded but it’s your choice on behavior.”

“I thought you said it would be OK to extend my curfew because the movie was running late.”

“I said no such thing.  And you didn’t exactly state that the movie would end after your curfew.”

“I clearly said that this was a long movie – you heard me say that.”

“Long does not translate into past curfew.  So now this is #3 and we agreed that on the consequence so you aren’t surprised to be grounded for the rest of the month.”

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Helping adolescents learn to develop good behavior habits takes putting a structure in place, with logical consequences, and enforcement of the rules.  With their prior agreement and their input on the system, they will buy in to the process, maybe not fully but at least better, while getting the independence they crave (“it’s your choice on behavior”).  Both sides know how it works and there are no surprises to contend it, which can lead to anger if they feel like they’ve been treated unfairly (surprise! my house, my rules and you’re stuck!)

It’s so easy to blurt out what we’re thinking without giving much consideration to the young ears that are processing many of expressed thoughts and internalizing developing values.

Viewing a heavyset woman: “She is so sloppy! Ugh!”

Younger child thinking: overweight people are ‘bad’.

Adolescent thinking: I’ve gained some weight; people are criticizing me behind my back.

While driving: “Get in your own lane, you  #@* road hog!”

Younger child thinking: it’s OK to swear when you’re angry

Adolescent thinking:  ranting and raving while you drive is normal behavior

Watching a TV commentator: “What an idiot!  He doesn’t know anything!”

Younger child thinking: you’re stupid if you express your views

Adolescent thinking: I may be wrong if I say something, then I’ll be criticized, so I better not say anything

If we recognize that our language needs to be modified when children are listening to reflect the fact that they are taking their cues from us and we have a duty to act responsibly, we might reconsider those words before they come popping out. We can think so much faster than we can move our mouths to talk.  Using this extra time to consider the impact of our words and revising them accordingly would be a great service to listening children.

The above comments could easily be modified to reflect that a) heavyset people are not to blame for their weight, which is more of a health issue than a character flaw, b) driving can be emotional for people because of territorial feelings around space invasion, c) everyone is entitled to their opinion, of which we do not have to agree, but we should be courteous when we disagree.

Mother: “Just look at Mary in this picture -she’s really gained a lot of weight and looks terrible!”

Child:      “That doesn’t sound very nice.”

Mother: “Oh she’s not here; she can’t hear me, so there is no harm done.”

What does this teach?  Several things actually: 1) it’s okay to talk about people behind their back, 2) honesty doesn’t count for much, 3) negative comments have a place (not true; if there’s nothing to be gained by saying something, then don’t say it), 4) model my bad behavior, to grow into an adult with the same negative values (there is harm done!)

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  We have much more power to influence the children around us than we realize, or stop to consider.  The adult role models in a child’s life help him to figure out who he’s going to be, what values she’s going to hold, and her place in this world (self-esteem issues).  You may think that children are wrapped up in their own little worlds and don’t hear much of what you say, but they absorb much more than you realize.  And they are using the knowledge in developmental ways.   Unfortunately we tend forget that this formative process is continually taking place.

We want many things for our children.  We want them to grow up to be honest, ethical, kind, hard working, accomplished, upstanding community citizens, compassionate to others – just to name a few among a long list of other positive characteristics that we hope they will acquire while they are under our guidance.  But if you had to pick just one, what would be the singular choice that you would magically wish upon your offspring, if it could only be one character trait?

My new son-in-law’s father has been promising some help to the young couple for months now, which up to this point has turned out to be just a lot of empty promises. You know the drill: all talk and no delivery.  He has called on numerous occasions to say that tomorrow is the day, and disappoints repeatedly as tomorrow comes with nothing to show for it, not even an excuse or explanation about the lack of action.  They have repeatedly made arrangements for the promised help, all for naught.   At this point when he says he’ll do something, the automatic thought is, “Yeah right, I’ll believe it when I see it – it’s never going to happen with him.”  And with no accountability on the bad behavior , the continuance is guaranteed.   Oh, how can you reprimand a volunteer…?

We all know people like this, untrustworthy to their word to some greater or lesser degree – people you can’t count on when they say they’re going to do something.  Some people need constant reminders to deliver.  Others just have ‘bad memories’.  Most just don’t prioritize what they agree or volunteer to do, and instead they live in the moment during the commitment time. Or perhaps a better option comes up and they blow off the prior commitment at will.  In any case, throughout life people are left hanging by other people on numerous occasions.

The one character trait that children should acquire before they enter adulthood that surpasses all the others is to be a person who stands by your word.  To be someone that can be counted on to deliver on promises, on doing what they say they will do, on showing up when they say they will – this is the trait of a ‘good’ person.  This means saying no when you are overextended or overcommitted, which may be hard to do (we all want to be nice and agree to everything asked of us).  The really ‘nice’ person doesn’t say yes and then not deliver.  Habitually, so you become ‘that’ guy.

The best way to insure that this desirable trait is passed on is to model the behavior with your actions.  Have you promised and not delivered (“Oh, I’m so sorry!  I know I said we would do ____ today, but I got caught up at work…”, “Did I promise that?  Oh, well, it’s not going to happen now, but there’s always next time>”, “I meant to get to your practice/recital/event but I lost track of the time…”)?  The message to the child is 1) I’m not important, 2) it is acceptable to blow off your commitments and 3)Don’t count on you keeping your word – it’s OK to disappoint.  Ouch!

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  The character trait of being honorable, that is, standing by your commitments is the trait that surpasses all others in desirably because it wraps several other traits into it.  The honorable person is dependable, reliable, ethical, moral, kind, good, and honest in their actions.  Raising honorable children that keep their word will make the world such a better place. 

A friend whose husband is a plumber was in my kitchen helping me to get food ready for a big event.  The job at hand was to peel lots of potatoes.  I noted that I learned the hard way not to put volumes of potato peels down the garbage disposal, since the starch turns them into mushy glue that clogs the drain.  She replied, “My husband IS a plumber.”  Silence.

My next comment was that we wanted to cover the peeled potatoes with water to keep them from turning brown, and was thinking about getting a bowl to put them in, slowly saying, “the water is…” and she quickly jumped with, “IN THE FAUCET”.  Really?!? – was that necessary to be said??? – like I wasn’t aware of where the water was located!  Two bouts of sarcasm within the first 5 minutes and I knew I was in for a long afternoon.

Why are people sarcastic?  What does it achieve?  What harm does it do?  Sarcasm is a verbal bad habit that people pick up and maintain because it sometimes gets a laugh.  But it’s a laugh at someone else’s expense – laughing at them, not with them.  Sarcasm serves no useful purpose, except a lame attempt to show that the sarcastic person is smarter, cleverer, and wittier than the other person, done in a mean way.

What sarcasm does do is it makes the other person feel stupid (water is in the faucet – you’re an idiot not to know this basic fact) or to make them feel that they are being rude by not recognizing the other person’s superior knowledge (of course I know more than you do about plumbing, after all my husband is a PLUMBER).  In any case, the message always has a negative connotation for the receiver.

When the person receiving the sarcasm is an adolescent, there is a danger to the relationship and to the child’s psyche, especially when the sarcasm is frequent and habitual.  “Of course, YOU would know all about the subject, since you’re such a GENIUS” where the meta-message is interpreted to be, “You’re really an idiot”  Not an avenue to building self-esteem.

The response to sarcasm is usually sarcasm back to the sender, or harbored resentful feelings, because sarcasm can really hurt.  No one wants to be made to feel stupid or inferior – it’s not funny to be the victim of sarcasm.  But the sarcastic sender gets a chuckle from the onlookers, and so the habit is positively reinforced.  When the sender is a parent and the receiver is their child, the child learns their own retorts in defense and can unfortunately pick up the sarcastic habit themselves to inflict on others.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Sometimes it takes real effort to quell a sarcastic comment when you feel it coming, since it can feel good to be right or clever – but at the expense of a child’s ego is not worth the price.  There is no gain to sarcasm; it’s just a bad habit, in different degrees with different people, that serves no positive purpose.  With developing children sarcasm can do real damage, unintentional, but no less real.  This is a habit worth recognizing and losing.