She walked into the meeting to present a fairly controversial idea.  It was make or break time and she knew that key support would be crucial to not only getting the idea going but to fast tracking or derailing her career.  With her hand on the doorknob, she wondered who among the familiar faces would have her back…or who would blindside her in opposition or in silence when she needed them the most?

Trust – earned, not bought, bartered or bribed; is given willingly and voluntarily – or is withheld.  It can’t be forced or mandated, but it is required for any relationship to flourish and for communication to flow smoothly.  Any and all relationships – business, friendships, love interests, professional exchanges – without trust any relationship will wither and die.  How can we deal with anyone we don’t trust?

Well, we actually can deal – “I really don’t trust you!” – but it’s not healthy dealing.  Or comfortable.  Kinda like looking over your shoulder all the time, waiting for the gotcha! Or for the proverbial other shoe to drop.  Or the catch.  Or Lucy to pull the football out on Charlie Brown yet again.  No fun in that.  And it stops being funny real quick.

So how does trust develop?  There’s no magic time that has to pass, since we can develop trust almost instantly with some strangers and can know others for years and never trust them.  And there’s no magic words that must be spoken that guarantees trust (and when someone says, “Trust me on this one” it’s actually makes their words suspect).  But there is a magic formula – a trust building equation.

Yippee, a magic formula!  And just in time, since you’re meeting with someone soon and need that magic to happen quickly, you need them to trust you, so lay that formula on me.  Ready?  Ok, here it is:  CREDIBILITY + RELIABILITY + FAMILIARITY = TRUST

Yup, you knew it all along – ya gotta have these 3 known ingredients, and when you do, they work together in combination like a charm to build all the trust you need and want.  Let’s look at how this works.  The police dept is an example of an entity that wants trust, especially in the news headlines today.  They have familiarity (everybody knows them) and reliability (everyone knows they are going to show up and do their job) but their credibility is missing in some communities so trust is broken.

How about in a marriage or in a best friend situation?  The familiarity is there, and perhaps the credibility, but when the reliability is damaged (you can no longer count on the person) the trust relationship suffers.

You have a big potential prospect, and want to build trust quickly. You have credibility with the company you represent, and reliability with the quality of an established product, but as a new face familiarity is missing, so there’s where the work needs to happen.  In a nice, not obnoxious or pesky kind of way please.

Or your new big client, who you’ve worked to gain, has familiarity with you and loves the product but somehow you know something feels wrong when you see him.  Look to your credibility – does he think you’re credible as a person?  If you’re losing his trust, it’s either your credibility, that he may have initially overlooked, or you’ve been ignoring him lately and so your reliability is suspect.  When something is off kilter and you haven’t done anything to cause offense, the trust dial is turning down and must be inspected to figure out how to get it back up to grade.

Bottom line, every relationship needs trust to be healthy and grow.  And those relationships that don’t have it will never develop.  This is fine if they are not important relationships.  But when they are important, and trust issues are not resolved with clear and open communication, then happiness cannot be achieved.  And we all deserve happiness, not misery, in our life.

Next time the topic is: The Fraud Syndrome–are you suffering from that little voice in your head telling you that you’re just not good enough and will be caught for being a fraud?

Where’s the trust in your world?  Comment on when you really needed it but didn’t have it, or happily DID!

You know this scenario – you’re driving along and the car in front of you has a combination of letters and numbers that you think must be saying something.  Since you’re just sitting there anyway driving, you figure you might as well play along.  But this one is particularly baffling and you wonder why on earth someone would waste their money on something so obscure as to be unreadable!  Or maybe after some, or perhaps little effort, you get it – how clever!  Or how stupid!  Either way, it’s certainly an interesting way to communicate.

I got my first vanity plate in college for the practical reason that I had many many campus parking tickets that I didn’t want to pay.  The vanity plate was only $25, which was far less than the outstanding tickets, and since the new plate wasn’t registered with the school security dept that issued parking tickets, my little idea worked exactly as planned!  What did the plate read?  “MAY 31”, my upcoming wedding date.  Many people thought I got it to honor our pending nuptials – ha! Little did they know suspect the real reason!  While an important date for sure, still not a top expense for a starving college student whose real motivation was to save money, not to indulge in unnecessarily honoring a date on the calendar when a free license plate was perfectly fine.

My next vanity plate was for a different purpose – to honor my kids: 4GR8 KDS and did it ever.  I got great mileage with that plate on my van (with 4 kids, a dog, friends, lawn chairs, blankets, and a sundry of sports equipment of course I traded in the safety of the Volvo for a revolving series of vans), noticing many neighboring copycats (3GR8 KDS, GR8 KDS, MY GR8KD).  Although when you try to be too clever, with the space limitations of a license plate, it can get confusing.  Is GR8 KDS an 8^th grade teacher? Is MY GR8KD easily understandable?  For my plate, the best part is the effect having that vanity plate had on my own kids.  I didn’t anticipate the boost it gave them when they saw it and the associated pride they felt, which they only told me about years later.  So now I highly recommend that parents invest in a vanity license plate honoring their kids – the minor costs pay big unexpected dividends over time, as all good dividend programs do.

People get vanity plates for a variety of reasons: inside joke, name of a business or their profession, their nickname, their interests, hobbies, things places they love, pets – with dogs as especially big, and humor.  I’ve never understood spending extra money simply to ride around with a targeted expression on your bumper to talk to the driver behind you like:

EAT DIRT, NO NOT 4 U, GHEDEUP, URBHIND, HEYLSTN, SCUSME, BAD HUH, YUSLOW

I do get buying a clever plate that ties in with your job:  BFLXBLE, JUSTIZ, DECAY (also DK)

But when the vanity plate is out of context and is a struggle to understand, I have to wonder?

DZNEMAGK, NNTHRCAR, FSRODAH  – say, whaaat?  Ok, ‘Disney Magic’ I get, eventually, but the other 2…??  Total nonsense, and not worth going off the road to ponder.

Then there are the statement plates: SAPNMYX,  PLAYER2, 1BADSTANG, GOTMOJO, IBMEUBU

And the plates that the DMV try to catch but sometimes slip through, SXMCHN, UEJIT, including in other languages (notably Spanish words) and those read backwards in a rear view mirror: 3MTA3 or even upside down and backwards: SSVNWI  Oh, so tricky those little devils trying, and sometimes succeeding, in getting away with things!

So what are we trying to communicate with our vanity license plate, if we choose to buy one?  The purpose of any vanity plate is simply to scream: LOOK AT ME – that basic urge, need, want to be noticed, to have attention paid, to not be overlooked, not to be taken for granted.  Deep down, we all don’t want to be ignored, forgotten, feel invisible.  Our need for attention is primal, it’s how we leave our mark, pass on our DNA, make our existence count.

Cars are an extension of selves, and license plates are a car’s only embellishment (along with paint, but that’s not easily changable).  We can personalize our car, or not, with our choice of model and color (not always an option in the ready market) with the vanity plate as the easiest way to do so.

Whether we choose a message as a self-reflection, as an outgoing message to others, or merely as an entertaining message, the vanity plate is an extension of our public persona – how we want to be viewed in the world.  When you are out driving and see your next vanity plate, think beyond the words as to what it tells you about the driver.  Might someone with SCUSME be more polite to let you in their lane?  Might someone with SXMCHN be more prone to road rage?

Next time the topic is: TRUST BUILDING–the equation to gain the most important element in a relationship.

Are you sporting a vanity plate?  Comment on what that says about you and how it might reflect on your view of the world?

I am fairly creative, love to think out of the box – so I’m right-brained, yes?  Hmm, well I’m also very logical and appreciate a good logical discussion (ok, maybe the proper word is argument) – so that makes me left-brained, right?  Wait, what’s going on here?

What we’re really talking about are the two sides (hemispheres) of the brain that certain behavioral traits ‘favor’.  What science tells us about the brain and is widely accepted as facts are the following:

The left side of the brain is the logical side: math, puzzles, problem solving lives here, also criticism, rush to judgments, anxiety, and being tightly wound (sometimes too tightly?)

The right brain houses our creative traits: poetry, music, art – creation and appreciation – sit here, as well as intuition, flights of fancy, daydreaming and other less than serious activities (called fun by many)

Males have bigger brains, but males don’t move from one side to the other side very quickly, due to the separating line (technically called the corpus callosum) being thicker in males; it’s harder for men to jump sides (i.e. bigger brains but used less efficiently).  So males tend to get stuck on one side (called it ‘focused’, or call it tunnel vision – with vision differences as another whole topic)

Women, with a thinner white strip (the cc) are able to jump from side to side much faster (i.e. smaller brains, but used more fully, so women are technically smarter)

So what’s happening with me is that as a female I am able to process from both sides fairly quickly and develop both sides nicely.  So what about handedness – i.e. does being left-handed make you better at being “two-brained”?  I would say yes.  Only about 11% of the population is left-handed, but in our family it’s 50% (2 of my 4 kids, plus me).  Being left-handed in a largely right-handed world definitely makes you more capable on your less dominant side.

Since another brain fact is that the opposite side of the brain controls the body movements on the opposite side, being left-handed in a right-handed world makes the left-handed person use both sides much more than the right-hander is required to do.  There is no need for a right-handed person to develop their left side at all.  Most people in the world favor their left logical and critical brain side (as right-handers) and many of the world’s creative emotional types are left-handed (especially creative males).

Of course, creativity and innovative thinking can be cultivated; also many developmental factors go into both (childhood influences and experiences).  We are all creative and can work to be more so, even those who claim not to have “a creative bone in their body”.  But if you’re left-handed, you may have an advantage in the creative department.

So how does handedness happen?  While babies innately prefer one hand as dominant, parental interaction can be influential.  When a mother carries a baby on her hip, which hand is open to reach and grab, and which hand is tucked behind the mother’s back and out of commission by this positioning?

How does the two different brain sides effect our communication?  Well, think about it.  If you’re emotional, something upsetting has happened that affects your feelings deeply, you are squarely on your right side.  If someone tries to show you charts, graphs, figures, data (left brain activities) while in an emotional state you will be hard pressed to process accurately or easily.

If you’ve been hard at work on your computer or crunching numbers and your spouse picks that time to ask you about vacation plans, you need to switch gears, and brain sides, to be nicely responsive, and probably nice at all.

If you’re talking to someone and need them to process what you’re saying on a designated side of the brain, consider either what side they are on now, or what their normal leaning is, then adjust accordingly.

Buying a red sports car – who do you bring with you?

–> You really want it, regardless of the price – your right–brained friend will talk you right into it.

–> You really want to be talked out of buying a car you can’t afford – your left-brained friend is key to help you realize the impracticality of a red sports car that gets lousy mileage.

Next time the topic is: Vanity License Plates –what they communicate about the owner and to the driving world.

Post a comment of when you noticed a brain side trip-up, yours or another’s.

It’s the holiday time of year and no communication blog would be complete without touching on the annual tradition, for largely the Boomer set, of sending out holiday greetings to loved (and barely known) friends, family and acquaintances, near (why?) and far.

Here are the typical thoughts around sending holiday cards

– I look forward to sending and receiving cards, which is the only communication I have with some people every year that have moved away that I like to keep in touch with.

– Holiday cards are part of the season, nice to get non-bill mail once a year, but I can take them or leave them.

– Please!  Spare me the expense and aggravation. I really can’t be bothered sending out cards. No one reads them anyway.  And those long bragging letters are just tooooo much to take.

Let’s talk about why exactly some of us feel the need to send out holiday greeting cards:

1. You feel obligated when someone sends you a card to return the gesture – reciprocity, not being a cheapskate, tit for tat and all that
2. You saw your parents sending them every year, so you do it – it’s just an annual holiday habit that you engage in every year without much thought, one of the “jobs” of the season that comes with the territory
3. You really think people are interested in the minutia of how your last year went and actually enjoy creating a long and tedious blow-by-blow letter about your activities

Okay now let’s talk about the REAL reason for sending out holiday greeting cards.  Biologically speaking, all human beings have an internal struggle that is occurring pretty much all the time: the fight between being selfish and being social.

The selfish part says, “I need to stay competitive because it’s survival of the fittest, so I have to always look out for number one – what’s in this for me?”  While the social part says, “We all need each other to get by in this world; no man is an island – how can I be cooperative and do my part by helping out?”

ME! ME! ME! versus YOU – I really care about you!  It’s a constant tug-of-war which we fight internally (some battle more strongly than others) in virtually every action we take.  You can see it clearly in our holiday card behavior:

RE: a) and the winner is — SOCIAL takes this round!  Reciprocity indicates that we care about other people and don’t want to make them feel bad with our lack of reciprocal good behavior

RE: b) SOCIAL wins another round – When we do stuff out of habit, out of expectation, because it’s always done this way, we are pleasing others; we care about what their expectations of us

RE: c) now SELFISH wins one – and the longer and more detailed the self-indulgent holiday letter, the more the what’s-in-it-for-me beast gets fed

Here’s what you should do around holiday cards:

– Send only to the people that you really care about, especially those that are far away and you don’t see on a regular basis (skip the neighbors and acquaintances).

– With modern technology the card should be a picture of your immediate family, since those you care about want to see how you’ve changed from year-to-year and really don’t care about seeing a Hallmark artist’s version of snowflakes, bells, and glittery ornaments. A funny family picture is a good idea, proving that you don’t take yourself too seriously. It’s all about people, not things (and I don’t care if you think you’re not photogenic).

– Handwrite something on the card, which makes it look like you cared enough to put in some effort at being personal.  Cards that arrive with only printers ink are so impersonal.

– If you feel absolutely compelled to update people on your activities, limit yourself to some bullet points printed on the back of the card, and spare people reading the single-spaced two-sided 8×11 letter.  Remind yourself that they have their own lives and really don’t care about yours in the detail you seem to want to give, which just comes across as so much bragging.

The current Gen Yers (the under 35 set) have largely ignored the pull to send out holiday cards, which is largely because they post all their pix on FB and Instagram – why send cards?  The internet has changed communication habits for a whole following of generations.  And Uncle Sam is crying buckets over his suffering postal system.

Next time the topic is: Left Brain/Right Brain: What Were You Thinking? – how the different sides of the brain influence our communication patterns, for better or for worse.

Post a comment on your view of holiday greetings received this year and holidays passed.

We love, love, love our friends!  Especially at this time of the year.  Especially those bearing gifts.  Heck, we even extend our love to those who might not have the friend label who are bearing gifts.  ‘Tis the season to be friendly.

Only Scrooge would hold a deep grudge and admit that some people, no matter what they say after the fact, we are just never going to like.  Which is perfectly OK – no one is required to like 100% of the population, 100% of the time.

But what about those people that don’t like YOU, that you’ve offended in some way, even some unknown way, but that you really need to get along with?  And get along with better than you are currently getting along.  (your MIL?  your boss?  Mr. Big Prospect?

Those key people that you need, for whatever reason, and you need to fix whatever went wrong, even after apologizing profusely.  Or maybe you’ve done nothing offensive whatsoever (that you know about) and you’re simply being ignored by a key individual and need to get on their radar.

Let’s figure out how to do just that.  We start by looking at what traits our favorite people have that make them so special to us.  Those qualities are: personality, style, wit, and a drop of a fatal flaw (which we overlook because, well, we like them).

Personality – everyone has one, but what is it in a nutshell?  We all fall into 1 of 4 broad categories: God, Nurse, Accountant, or Cheerleader.  You can pretty much figure out the good and the bad (that fatal flaw) qualities just by reading the category names.

Yes, we all are all 4 to some degree, but one of the 4 is dominant in all of us.  And because we all have all 4, we can pull any one out to a greater degree when needed.  And you need it when you need the person to like you.

We all like people who are like us.  So when you need to be liked, make yourself more like the other person in personality.  They’ll like you more because of it.

Style – we all have one, but it’s not as compact to nail down as personality is.  And no, I’m not talking about style in the fashion here.  Style as in introverted or extroverted.  Style as in uptight and harried or more easygoing.  Style as in upbeat and cheerful or sullen and moody.  And all the myriad degrees of each of these characteristics.

With style, you shouldn’t try to change to the style of the person you need to like you.  But you can recognize that there is a style difference and meet them where they are.  Yes, try to accommodate their style “needs”, tone your boisterous style down or wind your shy style up, depending on the other person in front of you.  You’re never going to change who you are (nor do you necessarily want to), but you can make the effort to modify your style in moderate degrees.  You will be less likely to be overlooked if you do.

Wit – which is not humor.  Wit delights; humor can offend, depending who’s the butt of the joke.  Wit is the turn of a phrase, the unique perspective that expresses something in a different way.  Humor is a bad joke that elicits a groan, or a laugh if the other person is exactly in tune to your brand of funny.  But humor is a risk not worth taking with someone who you need to like you, unless you’re a standup comedian and people pay to hear you poke fun.  Wit is never in bad taste.

Fatal flaw – i.e. our humanness.  We’re not perfect, everyone knows it.  It’s endearing when someone admits it and is readily accepted as part of the friend equation.  Puts you on the same playing field (you overlook my flaws and I’ll overlook yours).  As long as the flaw(s) isn’t extreme, in which case, it could be a fatal blow to a friendship.

There you have it.  Now go out and get on the Favorite People list of that person you need to warm up to.  Or at least get on their Good People list, if the Favorites list is full.  You need to be liked or noticed by someone important to you; likability makes the world go round and allows good things to happen.

Next time the topic is: Holiday Hello! communication – cards, digital song and dances, and oh, those annoying letters…

Comments on your favs, of the human variety.

Yep, Jonathan Gruber’s an idiot, but then you knew that already.  But really, do you care?  Should you care?

To back up for those who don’t recognize the name (if you don’t follow the twists and turns of Obamacare, well, shucks, he’s likely not on your radar), Jonathan Gruber is the MIT guru that the government hired as a consultant to pass the Affordable Care Act through congress.

Recently Mr. Gruber blamed the “stupidity of the American voter” in part for the bill’s passage (along with blaming the legislature’s lack of transparency).  And the fallout was immediate.

Sadly, we the taxpayers, paid $6,000,000+ to be insulted by this high priced arrogant SOB – we want our money back!

Is he serious?!  We didn’t vote in anything; while we did elect officials to vote for us, it’s still a stretch to call the American voters stupid for this one bill’s passage, no matter how flawed the bill may be.  We don’t create bills, argue them, vote them into law – we just live with them.

Now J. Gruber, while not commenting, has duly apologized but an apology wasn’t enough – damage done.  Too late, loser!

Not only is there a pushback from the coffers that have dried up on paying him for his (supposed) health systems expertise, but some lawmakers are calling for a refund of some or all of the monies.

And the pushback has extended to states, several of which also hired Mr. Gruber and are now cancelling those contracts, with Michigan’s state rep writing to the state Dept of Community Health that “He seems to have a proclivity for deception or fraud…” Ouch.

The reason to profile this incident here is to point out how important communication is; public words must be chosen thoughtfully.  And in today’s digital world it is safe to assume that nothing is safe – anything written or pictured online could eventually make its way into the public domain.  Just ask any celeb.

Misplaced words can break or derail much of the work, perhaps good work, that came before the faux pas.  And after it happens, it takes 10 times as much work to repair the damage, if it can even be repaired.  The tribe has spoken: Gruber you’re off the island!

Is Jonathan Gruber a bad, deceitful, fraudulent individual?  While that answer is up for debate, the important thing is that this whole Pandora’s Box was opened due to one errant, misguided remark.  Bet he wishes he had thought that one through a little more.  Ahh, the price of arrogance.

In reality, Jonathan Gruber is just a political football in a political game of pass, as the Republicans try to discredit the Democrats anyway possible; what a golden opportunity to discredit Obama, who has expectedly distanced himself from Gruber (“some adviser who never worked on our staff”).

Yeah, but your staff paid him oodles of money, those expenditures now fair game for closer scrutiny.  The fallout continues.  Bottom line: Gruber, however unintentionally, put himself into play with that stupid remark.  Who can blame the Republicans for jumping all over a loose ball?

The news is rife with politicians saying the wrong thing, then trying to cover it up with the lament “My comments were taken out of context!”  Yeah, right.  Sorry you blew your promising career out of the water with that one.  The only question now is, can you recover, or was it a career death blow?

Not only politicians but anyone in the public arena (i.e. at work) needs to be careful of offensive comments while expressing themselves, sounding off, or just stating their strong views.

Not that you need to walk on eggshells all the time, but with certain audiences thinking before speaking is definitely recommended.  And when you’re high profile in your corner of the world, it comes with the territory.

Next time the topic is: Our Favorite People  – what traits do they have?  How can you use this knowledge to become one to those who you want/need to be on their favorite list?

Comments on fallout from errant remarks?  Career derailment through poor communication skills is not limited to J. Gruber

So, is no news really good news?  Or is no news really just that – no news at all?

My son, his wife and new baby are making the long trek home from Maine to NYC – a good 6 hours when traffic cooperates – on Thanksgiving weekend.  It’s late when they are leaving.  And dark.  Should I worry?  Nah, not a worrier.  But it does get me thinking about why it is that we worry in the first place.

Worry is such a useless emotion.  When we worry, usually there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things, if the worst were to happen, so why worry in the first place?  Now if it would help, I might consider indulging in this emotion, but logical me sees no reason to put myself through a worthless exercise.  Yet some people, like my MIL, just can’t help themselves and worry ceaselessly, almost to distraction. And her worrying changes absolutely nothing, other than causing her great stress.  Why does she do it?  Because she can’t not worry, that’s why.  She is a habitual worrier.  Not a good habit to have.

Worrying is a trait of the logical brain trying desperately to problem solve, even when the problem is one of our own creation.  What if… the car goes off a cliff? … they get hit by a drunk driver? … a truck broadsides them because the driver is sleep deprived?  There are so many possible solutions to the made-up problem, and so the worrying begins.  The brain goes crazy with worry searching for clues to complete the pattern – does he look extra tired?  is the car mechanically sound? – which would result in “I knew it!”

We also worry because we can’t know what we don’t know, and that makes us crazy too.  Some of us (read: MIL) more than others.  Without a crystal ball to let us in on what the future holds – I gotta know: what’s the end of the story? – the brain yearns for pattern completion.  “Call when you get home, no matter how late, so I will know you arrived safely.”  Can do, but it changes absolutely nothing.  And when I forget to call, you worry until I do phone home…  Really, no news IS good news.  Good news in the sense of not bad news.

“I’ve got good news and bad news – which do you want to hear first?”                  

“OK, I’ll brace myself – hit me with the bad news – [wince]…”

“Hell, no, not me!  Lay that good news on me and spare me the bad news.  Is it something I really need to know?” 

Here’s the communication takeaway – gender matters when delivering bad news.

if the listener is male, it doesn’t matter which comes first, the good or the bad; he’ll hear and process both and balance them out appropriately.

However, if delivering bad news to a female, be sure to end with the good news.  Ideally sandwich the bad in the middle between 2 good things, but if there is only 1 good and 1 bad, place the good last.  And if there’s only bad, for god’s sake find something good to tack on.  There’s always something good somewhere.

This is because females hear and dwell on the last thing they hear.  “You’re doing a good job overall.  That last report was a bit sloppy but the one before it looked great.”  See how this works?  Much better than, “You’re doing a good job overall, but that last report was a bit sloppy.”  Period.  Ouch.  Ladies, you understand the difference.  (“Sloppy?  What did he mean by ‘sloppy’?) Guys, heads up on this when you need to reprimand a female report.

Next time the topic is:  Let’s talk Stupidity – Jonathan Gruber derails his career with a verbal faux pas, tsk, tsk!

Comments on receiving/giving good and bad news?  How did it go over?

I’m sitting in the allergist’s office waiting out the required half hour and can always count on reading the Wall Street Journal during my weekly visit.  Funny thing, no one else in 30 visits has ever glanced at that paper, out of a full waiting room.  Week after week, over different times of the day and different days of the week.  Umm, maybe it’s the content?

One headline describing a fancy car, said it “…drives as unctuously as…”  Now my vocabulary’s pretty good, better than most, but I had trouble with that one as did my college educated husband.  Two degrees and we can’t figure out what that word means, even in context.  Now that’s highbrow writing.

What should be disturbing to the WSJ is not only did I not understand the word (and I’m a subscriber), and not that I didn’t care to learn the meaning, but that by using words not commonly understood distances me from the publication.  I don’t like being made to feel stupid. And no media wants to distance readers, especially in this time of diminishing readership and fighting for every subscriber.

A consultant’s blog casually tossed out the word “propinquitous” as if it was no biggie.  Hey, what??  Is that even a real word anyway? (trying to be the adjective form of some noun likely, with an unknown meaning to me.)  But more to the point, who cares??  When you can’t pronounce it and when not knowing it makes you feel inferior, then the writer has a problem.  Alienating readers is never a desirable point of writing.

How about this example of bad writing – bad because it’s boring and just not clear: “What you are looking for are the precipitators of the problem and the need to solve it. You are looking for galvanizing events or catalytic events….”  Say, what?  Besides being a muddy mouthful to get your brain around, it doesn’t pass the Who Cares? test (or better known as: who gives a sh**.)

It’s even more important with online writing to be clear, concise and easily understood.  We only have time to scan most online content and long passages strain our eyesight with the low resolution and blue backlighting.  It’s physically difficult to stare at a digital screen for hours.  Plus there’s so much good stuff (You Tube) vying for our limited visual attention.  Hard uncommon words and long boring paragraphs don’t stand a chance in the quick-quick world of online communication.

Keep it short.  Short words, short sentences, short paragraphs.  Lots of white space.  Bullets are good.  Skip the tight grammar rules.  It’s really OK.  Your old English teacher will never know.  And make those words very very common, 3 syllables max (sub out any words that go 4 syllables or longer, like the 3 in the above example)  When in doubt, consult the Flesch Reading Ease score, which is available inside every Word document (contained within the spell-check feature); strive for a Flesch score of 70 or higher.  Which equates to a 6^th grade reading level.

Now you’re saying, “Oh, no, no – MY audience is highly educated and I would never insult them by writing at a 6^th grade level; they expect high level content from me and would look down on my expertise if I delivered sub-standard writing.”  Rubbish.  They will appreciate your bringing anything down to a 6^th grade level, which makes any content much easier to grasp, scan, and digest quickly.  And while appreciating the easy flow they’ll never even notice that it’s at a 6^th grade level.  Trust me on this.  And thank me later when your stuff is actually read.

Newspapers used to write for an 8^th grade reading level, and now they’ve dropped down to a 6^th grade level.  It’s not that people have become less educated or lazy readers; it’s that people are so busy all they have time for is to skim the paper.  By dropping the reading level makes a paper easier to skim.  And this is done for hard copy that doesn’t have the visual limitations of digital copy’s low screen resolution.   Take the lead of newspapers and drop your high falutin’ vocabulary in your online writing, but only if you want to be read.

Next time the topic is: No news is good news – delivering good and bad news

Comment on any highbrow word experiences you care to recall.  Not worth remembering, right?  And what did you think about the person using the 50-cent words?  Not so likable, eh?

Here are some 2-cent words for you:  gobble, gobble – Happy Turkey Day!

“While I appreciate the thought of sparing my money, I have no problem buying endless amounts for your children.”

What’s your interpretation of this message?  Is the tone sarcastic? Sincere? Simply matter-of-fact? Truthful? Spiteful?  The answer to that question depends somewhat on how well you know the person, but also largely on what mood you are in when you read it.  Good/OK mood, it’s taken more positively; bad/not so good mood, we’re reading negative connotations into the exact same words.

Have you been called out on the tone of an email you’ve sent… yet?  Or have you received an email that the tone was questionable, but being the polite person you are, you gave the person the benefit of the doubt?

Everyone has had one or both of these things happen to them.  And if you haven’t experienced the first one, it doesn’t mean you haven’t offended someone at one time or another.  It just means you are painfully unaware of others’ potential reactions to the written word.  And I hope you’re not that person, but hey, maybe you are.

Why does this tone problem happen?  Because word meaning relies heavily on tone, to get across intended nuance.  One word can have several meanings based on the tone that used.

In the live world of spoken words, tone carries 38% of the message.  The words themselves are only a measly 7%.  “But you SAID… why would you say something if you didn’t really mean it?”  Waa, waa, quit yer whining.

In the online world of digital communication tone is not on the page, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there.  The words still necessarily carry needed tone, except when words are written instead of spoken, the reader supplies the tone.  Which can be very different than what the writer intended.  Online, without the benefit of sound, tone is implied.  Sometimes with bad consequences.

Ann:   “What do you think about looking at that other option I suggested earlier?”

Barb: “OK, will check it out – back to you later”

Ann to Sue: “That Barb is very curt and rather offensive.  I’m not sure we’re going to get along.”

This exchange actually happened and Ann wasn’t having a bad day.  She didn’t know Barb very well and there was a generational gap which didn’t help communication matters any.  Ann’s expectations and preconceived ideas were different from what she expected to receive from Barb.

Barb had no idea that Ann was offended by her brusque style and mistakenly thought she was giving good service.  Instead Ann had no intention of using Barb again, after this transaction ended.  Tone killed the relationship.  And Barb had no idea that the relationship was even on the rocks to be able to save it.  She never knew what went wrong or that anything was wrong in the first place.

So how do you guard against tone issues?  The best answer is always the simplest.  Simply wait to hit send, and re-read what you have written with the other person in mind.  How good is your relationship with the person?  Good enough to withstand someone’s unknown very bad day, like a day when their dog just died?  Or is this someone that you don’t know very well, in which case and putting on your kid gloves may be called for. Re-write anything that can possibly be taken the wrong way.  Then keep your fingers crossed for the reactions you couldn’t anticipate.

This is especially important the higher up your VIP scale the other person is.  And do it for every piece of writing with the VIPs (also called clients, bosses, and colleagues) in your life that you can’t risk offending.  This will offset the times that you send (email, text, im) something and miss catching the potentially offensive tone. (How could he have read that into what I said?  And why wouldn’t he have clarified with me, if that’s what he thought?  Because he won’t, that’s why.  You lose, period.)

Don’t take a chance on offending, because it takes at least 5 positives to offset every negative.  And no one has time to spend their life making up to other people.  There are no do-overs in the real world.  It’s best to get it right the first time.  Which just requires a few additional seconds of thinking before sending.  Could make all the difference.

Next time the topic is: Drop the big fancy words – or risk being dropped yourself.

Comment on tone issues in your experience?

How about the person’s very identity?  Self-image, sense of self-worth.  I won’t bore you by repeating what you’ve likely already heard often: a person’s favorite word is their name.  So you know it, which means that you also know that much is riding on getting a person’s name right.  Get it correct from the start, wait! – but only if you want positive feelings towards you and your message.  Screw up the name even just  a little and a subtle ick feeling is created.  As their strongest source of identity it’s just basic respect for the person to get their name right.

Some people use this name importance knowledge to assume a closeness to the person that’s not real.  Just because you call me by my name does not mean we’re besties.  In fact, it annoys me when you overuse my name over and over again, like you think I want to hear it repeatedly, when I know that you’re just trying to beat this technique to death.  Not working.

So what is an internet writer supposed to do about this whole name thing anyway?  How do you know if Robert prefers Rob, Bob, Robbie, Bobby, or full on Robert?  Answer is: you don’t.  And online, you can’t ask, unless you call the office in advance and hear what the voicemail identifies as. Or better yet, get the referral, then you know the preferred buddy name.

A dead giveaway that someone doesn’t really know you is when you have an unusual name and that name gets butchered by strangers.  I named our oldest daughter Kelani and we call her Kelly or Kel, but strangers remain at a distance because they stumble on addressing her.  Hey, who said you had permission to assume a first name basis anyway?

Actually the internet did.   By definition the internet is an informal medium, so first names are assumed as pretty standard.  While addressing a CEO as “Jim” instead of “Mr. Johnson” may feel uncomfortable, especially in person, still if that’s the name he is listed by, you have tacit permission to use it.  (i.e. in the About the Leadership Team section of the website it reads: “CEO Jim Johnson welcomes clients and customers contact him directly.”)  But if you don’t have permission to use a first name and are contacting him blind, you should defer to the respectful position of the title. (i.e. “CEO James Johnson” gives no permission for a “Hi, Jim” or a “Hey, Jimbo” email!)

So how does the name thing work in business with contacting a contemporary or lateral colleague that you’ve never met?  Again the informality of the internet dictates that it’s fine to use their first name, without permission.  Permission is implied and “Mr” is too stiff for the informal internet.  But typos in a name are not allowed.  Ever.  Is it Kathy? Kathie? Kathi? Kate? Or Cate? Ya gotta check and get it right – show that you cared enough to make the extra effort.  If you do, it may go unnoticed, but if you don’t take the step to verify the exact spelling of their name, it may come back to bite you.  Especially when push comes to shove.  Never assume, even on common names.  Make absolutely sure, or it’s like a slap in the face.

When should you use the person’s name?  Using their names causes them to pay attention, it wakes up the brain.  There are 3 appropriate times to use their first name: in the salutation, at the close, and in the body contact with the caveat that only when making a very strong point.  Don’t use their name inappropriately or you risk being that annoying guy.  Use their name sparingly, to best effect; but do indeed use it and do spell it right!  What a waste to use it unknowingly misspelled 3 times in the same correspondence and not know the damage that is inflicted.

Many programs today have name merge capabilities, so your name appears in several places in the email content, what I call robotic naming, because you know that no human hand wrote this “personal” piece to you.  Trying for unearned familiarity, instead achieves the opposite; it gives offense for being so blatantly impersonal.  Resist the urge and instead send emails that are truly personal in their unique content.  Or if it is a mass email that you must send, limit the name dropping to just the salutation.  Call it like it is.  Yes, we all like flattery, even when it’s obviously fake, but we don’t like being manipulated by robo-writing pretending to be human.  Not a smart move.

Next time the topic is: Watch your tone online – it’s real, it can be hard to predict, it’s interpreted in the reader’s mind, and it can make or break your written communication.

Comment on naming names in business communication?  Or don’t you want to be a name dropper?