Sometimes just seems so much easier to simply let things go rather than put up with all the drama and tantrums of the teenage years, when it seems like the littlest thing can bring on a fight.   But it is a parent’s job to be the bad guy.  When parents sidestep that role kids feel insecure and uncared for.

“My parents give me a curfew but don’t bother to enforce it, which makes me feel like they really don’t care, like they’ve tuned me out for the night…”

There are many examples of parents taking the easy way out instead of performing their parental duties.  My friend liked to go to bed at nine o’clock each evening and swore she couldn’t stay awake beyond nine no matter how hard she tried. So when her teenage daughter assured her mother in the morning that she indeed was in by her 11pm curfew, my friend totally believed. After all, her daughter was such a good kid – what’s not to be believed?

The same friend did not trust her son to be as responsible as his sister, so when he was a teen she told him to wake her up when he got home so she would know that he met his curfew. Many times he claimed to have woken her when he arrived home exactly on time, but she must’ve forgotten him doing so, as she fell back asleep.  “Did I say anything when you came in?” “Yup you asked me if I had a good time” and other imaginary dialogue along those lines.

Teenagers want their parents to be in charge and lose respect for their parents who aren’t and later discount their authority when they try to exert it.

“My parents always give in so easily. They say ‘you’re grounded,’ and then they forget, so I never take them seriously, and laugh about them behind their backs.”

Sound like anything you may have done, or what you heard your teenage friends say about their parents?  Worse, are you that parent?

How about this situation: you want to drop your tween off for the first day of summer day camp and he pitches a fit and refuses to cooperate, begging you to take him to your work instead.  Not wanting to make a scene, and furious about the whole thing, still not willing to create more upheaval, you give in and bring him to work with you.  What does the child learn?  He learns that he, not you, is in charge.

When a child has the ability to control the parent’s actions (and emotions) it actually upsets him because his world is now less secure. Children look to their parents to bring some order to the chaos of life that they are trying to make sense of in the growing up process.   When the response is that the child is really in control because the parent has vacated their responsibility, that knowledge makes the child’s inner chaos even worse.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Many parents have busy schedules, limited knowledge of how to parent with only their own example to go by, and general insecurities about their parenting skills. This is compounded when life speeds up during the more complicated adolescent years and there’s little time to get the assistance or support to help.  “It’s really not such a big deal, is it?  This too will pass if I can just hang on to these years” – and so giving up seems like a viable and easy way out.  This disservice to your child makes it harder for them who are living through it to get by whole, without your guidance and assistance.  They need the authority and discipline that you provide.  Hang in there and don’t give up on them, knowing that you’re doing the right thing to persist, even if it takes every drop of your energy to do so.

Feelings can be such a minefield – it’s hard to know what to say some of the time because you just don’t know how your hypersensitive teen is going to take the littlest thing!  Sometimes something as innocent as a look can really set her off.  And forget about agreeing with him, without hearing a retort of, “Yeah, what do you know about anything anyway?”  “What?!?  I was just agreeing with you….”

It really is imperative to listen to the feelings first because teens can truly be “giant, quivering balls of emotion”; a perfectly normal condition for any normal teen.  And you should know that these intense emotions are scary for them too.  Being under the influence of highly charged emotions keeps them from feeling in control, with the result that they truly may be unable to listen to you rationally.  Give them some latitude during these years.

When kids bring out the big guns of feelings – when he lobs the “H” word your way – it certainly hurts.  “I hate you!  I wish you weren’t my parents!”  Ouch, it IS hard to brush off, but know that it’s not really meant and it’s not a permanent feeling.  The next day, when the intense feeling has passed, it is a brand new day.  She may even come back and tell you that she didn’t mean it.  Or not yet.  But she doesn’t really mean it; it’s those highly charged emotions driving the words.

It’s hard for a teen to be so close to independence, yet so dependent for awhile longer.  They rail against any perceived loss of freedom, not to be able to do exactly what they want to do.  They chafe against your sensible rules.  And they know they are physically able not to be restrained.  It’s hard to be the good kid and keep to the straight and narrow when everything inside them tells them to break free.

The best thing a parent can do is to:

1. Recognize that teen feelings need special treatment
2. First recognize the feelings before addressing the problem
3. Don’t then jump in with your solution to the problem –  ask the teen if he wants help with the problem
4. If she doesn’t want help, don’t give it

Know that the offer was enough and showed good support.  Trust that he can solve it himself or that she will ask later if she then decides to take your help.

Dealing with feelings is an art, not a science

P.S.        If your adolescent calls themselves a name, do not, I repeat:  do not repeat the name!

“I’m ugly!”   –  “You are NOT ugly!” or “You really feel you’re ugly” (parroting doesn’t work)

“I’m dumb” –   “Why would you ever call yourself dumb?” or “Oh, so you think you’re dumb”

This does not help!  Children don’t like to hear their parents repeat the names they may call themselves.  Instead go to the process above, i.e. except the feelings first.

“It’s hard to see all the glamorized images in magazines and not compare your looks to those models.”

“School can be hard to keep up with every subject.”

Carry on.  Practice the process.  Change is hard, but you can do it.  Soon they will see the change in your reaction and will start opening up to you more, which is what you want – an enhanced relationship!

When adolescents (everyone actually) express their feelings to adults, they don’t like to hear parrot-like responses of their exact words repeated back to them.  “That’s what I just said!” is a typical response, with an underlying, “Are you deaf or just stupid?”  Parents parrot back for several reasons:

1. They heard somewhere that this was the thing to do so that the person felt properly ‘heard’
2. They are buying time to process what they have just heard and collect their thoughts for the best response
3. They are being careful not to appear overly critical or negative, to keep the conversation going, so parroting back is the safest approach
4. They are really trying to understand what they have heard, so are repeating it back for clarity of understanding

Regardless of the motive, parroting back can serve to cause greater upset.  Better to rephrase in a way that shows understanding and support, without judgment.  “It’s so annoying when that happens.  You must be annoyed and angry that she would say that.”  Helping to get the feelings out, openly expressed, helps to deal with them in an appropriate way.  Recognizing the depth of the feeling and working through them gives the adolescent a skill that they will be able to use for a lifetime.

In a very close relationship, some prefer not talking at all when they’re upset; their parents’ presence is comfort enough.  A look that says you understand, a gesture that is soothing, a tradition (“Let’s break out some Ben and Jerry’s”) can be just what’s needed to settle bad feelings.  And when the time is right, the child will tell you the whole story.  Or not.  The details aren’t important; the support of getting through the feelings is.

Sometimes in a highly emotional discussion when an intense feeling is expressed, the parent may respond with a cool and matter-of-fact, “Correct.”   This response tends to create irritation in an already agitated state, because the teen doesn’t feel like he was really understood.  The best response is to show that you are right there with him in the emotion.  If she feels like you know what she’s going through right there in the moment, she can relax a bit and stop fighting.

But what’s not helpful is when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels.  The parent is so outraged by what he has just heard and flies off the handle, protective urges fully engaged.  “How dare that teacher treat you that way!  I’m marching right down there tomorrow and straightening her out!”  Or “You must be so offended that you were treated like that!  It’s just terrible!  I’m ready to cry for you – how awful!”  “Really, it’s no big deal.  Stop making a federal case about it.” [with the silent thought: no wonder I don’t tell them anything; they fly off the handle about every little thing.]

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When your adolescent expresses his feelings to you (yay, he’s talking!), take your cues from him.  If you blow things out of proportion, it’s needlessly upsetting and creates an intensity that isn’t needed.  If you don’t show enough care in your response, she feels like you are discounting her very real feelings and you just don’t understand her – what help are you?  Both are relationship damagers.  The key is to really pay close attention, be there mentally (not just physically) when they need you, which takes time and focus, but the payoff is a closer relationship.

Feelings are obviously very emotionally charged, so the topic is a big one, and an important one.  While the topic of dealing with feelings could (and has) been covered in volumes of books,  here we will touch on the high points in 3 parts, in a condensed fashion, over this and the next 2 posts, highlighting helpful tips to support your communication efforts dealing with your adolescent and their oh so delicate feelings.

The situation: your teen is flying off the handle again; something seemingly small has set him off into a tirade.  You are so tempted to shout “calm down!”  or “cut it out!” which if you do, just serves to agitate the situation further.   It’s much better to use calming words of judgment, to soothe and change the mood dramatically.  “It’s not so bad.  We’ll figure it out.  Let’s start with…”

The empathetic response is not always easy to give – initially it may feel awkward and phony, like playing a part.  But once the habit changes and they know they can count on your calm approach every time, they will open up more and feel safe to talk to you about things that are bothering them.

Here’s another tip: you really don’t have to take your child’s unhappiness and make it your own.  We who love them can tend to internalize their emotional struggles, creating unnecessary pressure on you; you are carrying the unrealistic goal of making sure that your offspring are happy 100% of the time.   This can also create an added burden on an intuitive adolescent, who is now upset about the original problem, plus upset because they see you suffering over their suffering.  They are entitled to be miserable without their parent falling apart.  And if you refrain from reacting emotionally, they may talk to you more.  Otherwise it’s: “I can’t tell my parents; it’ll crush them to know” which prevents you from being a source of support, if you don’t know or aren’t asked to help.

The more you try to push their unhappy feelings away, the more they become stuck in them.  The more you can help them to be comfortable with and accept bad feelings, the easier it is for them to let go of the bad feelings. “Those are rough feelings to have.”  Acknowledging that it’s natural and perfectly OK to have bad feelings is also helpful.  Instead of, “You shouldn’t be mad at your sister – she didn’t mean to take your things” better to acknowledge with, “You have every right to be mad that your sister borrowed your things without asking you first, whether she meant to or not.”   Of course the follow-up is finding a healthy and appropriate way to channel the anger.

Sometimes it’s just so much easier to give in to fantasy than to have an all-out battle over who is right and why.  “Wouldn’t it be great if we had a magic wand and you could have anything you wanted in the world?  A brand new car – no problem!” If you really let yourself go into the fantasy, even though it isn’t going to happen, the adolescent appreciates that you took his feelings of longing so seriously.  [And for younger children, putting a wish list of wants into writing shows acknowledgement as well as caring.]

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Dealing with the intense feelings of an adolescent can take some skill to help them through this stage.  The feelings can be overly exaggerated, which is scary when they are negative feelings – very, very angry or very, very sad.   Heightened feelings can come on in a flash, with wild mood swings at the slightest provocation.  Your skill in handling them can make the difference in setting the tone for the entire household.

An excerpt from the blog of Judith Sherven, PhD – while reading, remember the kid(s) that the damaged adult is raising:

The Fear of Being Fabulous results from direct and/or environmental messages we pick up when we are way too young to be able to judge them as false, inappropriate, or even damaging.

Imagine how often these kinds of things are said to children, by the people who the young one loves and believes in: “Who do you think you are?” “You’ll never amount to anything.” “Why can’t you do that as well as your cousin?” “You’re always asking questions, it’s so annoying.” “People like us don’t go into that area.” “Know your place, the world doesn’t like upstarts.”

Were you and/or people you know on the receiving end of these kinds of behaviors that children receive from the people who are supposed to love them and have their best interests at heart:

– being hit for disagreeing

– made to sit at the table to finish food the child hates

– required to get perfect grades and punished even when they do

– ignored when in pain, crying, needing comfort

– drunk or drug-induced erratic, hostile, even crazy behavior

– fighting in front of the children, screaming, physically abusing each other

– snubbed or ignored when being outstanding while the parent demands attention all the time

These are just a tiny sampling of the kinds of messages that go into a child’s unconscious programming telling them what life is about and how they believe they should behave. Being fabulous — exhibiting excellence, owning authority, going through life with a confident identity — that’s forbidden. It’s dangerous. It’s unlovable.

And even when, as adults, we “outgrow” these messages consciously, the unconscious is still in charge. And The Doom Loop provides the punishment that is deserved — unconsciously of course.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Oh!  the damage we unintentionally do to the children we are raising, when we can’t help who we are based on how we were raised…  Consciously knowing our limitations is a start in breaking the cycle.

I saw this caption on a cartoon recently and thought how true it is.  As is the sister corollary: you can’t change anyone’s behavior except your own.  But sticking with the first one, why do we let certain people, including our children, drive us crazy? Why do we give them the keys, allow them to push our buttons, our very hottest buttons? Teens certainly know what their parents’ hot buttons are and they know how to use them, especially when battling to try to get their way. The slightest provocation in a “hot” area can quickly escalate into an anger situation, often with unfortunate results.  In anger we may say and do things that we later regret and end up doing harm to a perhaps already fractured relationship.

What are your hot buttons with regards to your adolescent?  Is it their friends? Is it their appearance? Is it their lack of motivation? Is it their refusal to do their fair share around the house? Is it their challenging you at every turn? Is it their lack of interaction/communication void? Is that their poor decision-making/impulsiveness? Is it their schoolwork? What is it that your teen does that pushes your crazy button?

Maybe you have identified several things on the list, or maybe your list is different and includes the biggies (sex, drugs, breaking curfew, criminal activities) which is entirely valid – still, why do you let them have the keys to your mental happiness?  Why do you give them that control?  Nobody does anything to us that we don’t allow, perhaps unwillingly and certainly unconsciously, but still allow.  Much of the time we don’t recognize that we have the control over our own emotions, and so we don’t exercise the control that we don’t know we have.

But you say, “I don’t choose to get mad, I certainly don’t like it, but I just can’t help it… sometimes he just makes me so mad!”  Of course you don’t choose and don’t like to have your emotions flare up in anger, but you do have the control over those emotions. You can choose not to let anything you want bother you.  It’s hard to do it first and certainly requires practice, but it can be done, much to the benefit of your mental health.

“How exactly do I do that?”  Let’s take one potential hot button: repeatedly breaking curfew.  Let’s say that this one really drives you crazy, especially because it doesn’t seem to change. So you wait up, it gets late, and your adolescent finally strolls in the house, seemingly without a care in the world (which could be real, or could be just an act).  Your anger has been building while you’ve been waiting and it’s ready to explode the instant you hear the front door opening.  Instead, if you spend the waiting time rehearsing a calm approach, since you know this is a hot button for you and you are consciously practicing working to change it.  So you greet her calmly and say, “I’m glad to see you home safe, so now I no longer need to worry, and we can both go to bed.  However, we need to schedule some time tomorrow to discuss this breaking of curfew situation. I suggest we do it first thing in the morning at nine o’clock tomorrow, before the day gets too hectic.”  Get her agreement to the talk time, and then go to bed.  You have the ability to control your own hot buttons.  (And in the morning certainly conclude that discussion with proactive agreement on logical consequences for the next infraction, which you then must calmly, but firmly, enforce.)

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  It’s much too easy to let other people run our lives by controlling our emotions with their undue influence.  We give them this power over our emotions usually because we don’t know that we have the control we forget to exercise it. It’s so much easier to place the blame on someone else – “Look at what you made me do!”, “It’s your fault that I feel this way!”, “I hope you’re happy that you made me miserable” – when in reality no one can make you do or feel anything; you do it to yourself.  Yes, other people can influence you, especially when you care about them, but the ability to ‘make’ you feel bad you give to them. Staying in the driver’s seat and importantly knowing that you’re holding onto the keys is the first step in controlling your emotional health.

While this may sound like a typical teenager talking, it is also a common lament of many adults.

“My mother is visiting; she’s making me crazy!  I can’t wait for her to leave!” Sound familiar?  If you can’t stand your own mother, or even if you can, how do you know that you aren’t sowing the seeds for your own adolescent to be saying those same words about you someday?  Would you want them to be thinking about you that way? Of course not!  Hey, we are all great parents here (perhaps not perfect, but at least great), who want perfect relationships with our adult children tomorrow.  But how does that rosy future happen, when the parent/child relationship today is such a challenge?

My relationship with my mother was not so great. She truly made me crazy, to the point of disliking her company. The obligatory visits were far from enjoyable, on both sides. I had a hard time forgiving her for perceived wrongs inflicted during my growing up years. She had a hard time communicating through a thick wall erected over years of practice being silent. This impasse was maintained for two decades, then dementia set in.  So an amicable resolution of our relationship never happened.

My relationship with my adult children is very different, perhaps described as close, which is a relative term. I prefer ‘satisfying’ which means that both sides are happy with the relationship, which of course changes over time.  We are not best friends, nor do I want that relationship with my children.  And if you asked them, I’m sure that’s not what they want either.

To have a good relationship with your adolescent tomorrow requires concerted effort, more on the parent’s side than on the child’s side, today. While that may seem unfair, it’s just the way it is. And especially during the adolescent years the onus is really on the parent to be the adult that they are, and take the lead on sculpting the future relationship.

Adolescents today do not know what they want tomorrow, or who they will even be tomorrow. They may think they know, but there are so many internal changes in store for them, that they may be right today but will change their mind tomorrow. Adolescents live very much in the here and now, with little thought for the impact of today on tomorrow. Their actions certainly have consequences that they are responsible for, but they do not have the long-range thinking capability to really understand the impact of their behavior way down the road.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  What you want your future adult relationship to be with your future adult children? Have you given that vision any thought, and how you will create it today?  That future reality endures far longer than the adolescent stage lasts, and the seeds for it are planted during the adolescent period.  Maintaining a closeness – knowing who your child is, what their interests are, who their friends are – staying very involved in their life is important. Balancing that with a distance – you are still the authority, the take charge person, the enforcer of consequences when rules are broken – this is the challenge. Every good adolescent/parent relationship needs the winning formula of closeness + distance = caring.  Weighing out every situation for the degree of each ingredient is the balance part.

You know that you give great advice, you have reams of experience backing it, and what you are offering just makes so much sense  – well, at least it does to you.  C’mon! – don’t be an idiot! – do as I tell you and you won’t be sorry!  You are really trying to help here and save the listener so much grief, with the benefit of your hard-won experience. So why then is your damn good advice being ignored, set aside, and downright disregarded? How infuriating to not be listened to!

Teenagers, with their one monosyllable answers, have the process of turning out advice, monologues, and lectures down to a science. While you go on and on, their minds are clearly somewhere else.  “Did you even hear a single word that I said?” “What?” “I said…” you repeat to deaf ears.  Yada, yada, yada.

Giving advice to teenagers doesn’t work for several reasons. One is that the advice is often unsolicited. When a teen hears what sounds like a long lecture coming, they run for the hills mentally.  Who can blame them as few people want to endure a long one-sided torrent of critical words peppered with, “you should this” and “you should that”. (Should is derived from “to scold”, which is resented by everyone, yourself included, so bite your tongue and stop scolding all ready!)

Another problem with giving unsolicited advice is that it makes the receiver – the adolescent or anyone else – feel mentally inferior, as if they can’t think for themselves.  Your fabulous advice, dispensed from on high, and not asked for, falls on deaf ears.  Who wants to be made to feel like an idiot?  “If you had any sense at all you would know to do blah-blah”…                  “If I were you, I would absolutely do blah-blah” – “Well, thankfully I’m not you, now am I?”

An unfortunate side effect of giving unsolicited advice to adolescents is that it doesn’t allow them the chance to problem solve for themselves, which is important to do at this stage of their brain development.  As the brain is busily firing and wiring during this explosive growth stage, it needs the opportunity to think things through and develop the rational thinking that problem solving supports.  When a solution is always immediately provided whenever a problem is presented, there is no need to tax the brain to consider all the angles and think through a good solution themselves.  This deprives teens from fully developing the skills they will need in later life.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Although it is surely tempting to rush in with help as soon as you see your adolescent struggling with any issue, large or small, you would serve their best interests by refraining from jumping in with your opinion unasked.  And even when asked for your advice, the best route is to answer the question, “What should I do?” with another question, “What do you think you should do?  What are some options to consider?”  Gently guiding their thinking with questions to help them explore all the angles is immensely helpful in developing their future critical thinking resources that they will need in adulthood.  

Everyone reading this has successfully navigated the adolescent stage and survived, not necessarily 100% unscathed, but at least you made it successfully to adulthood.  But who didn’t have a dark thought or two during this confusing time?  So many emotions, so many new experiences happening physically and mentally, so much pressure – self and culturally imposed – with no prior experience to guide each person on their own unique journey.  This stage is really one that must be gone through alone; no one can spare you the teenage years and live life for anyone else!

Many times the choices a teen makes are fine, just right, but they don’t always know that, and live in the throes of uncertainty, which can lead to despair, depending on the intensity of the personality.  Teenage angst is more than just ‘moodiness’ – there are lots of technical hormones involved that makes this time a real physiological condition – in different degrees for different teens, but a distinct condition for all.

I was an overachiever from my toddler years, competitive and driven to succeed against the odds.  In hindsight, it’s no surprise that when as a teen things didn’t always go my way against my very high self-standards, I floundered and flirted with despair.   At one point, I did go very dark and saw suicide as a prime attention getter – there’s irrational teenage thinking at work!  “They’ll really miss me when I’m gone!” is not sound thinking at all, but makes perfect sense to a kid who just wants to be recognized.  My weak suicide attempt (swallowing a bottle of aspirin – the only ‘pills’ handy) barely registered on the radar, so that actually saved me.  Not getting the expected reaction is a sad reflection, but at least I wasn’t motivated to try that again.

What was lacking in my adolescent years was a caring adult.  Without a close teacher, coach, school counselor, parent, relative, or adult friend, I had no barometer to help develop my brain down the right path while it was in a highly formative stage.  We now know that during adolescence, the brain goes through the second most active period for firing and wiring neurons, with infancy being the first highly active period.  This means that an adolescent is truly operating with a brain that is still developing in the higher reasoning functions (occurring in the prefrontal cortex).  A teen really doesn’t have the cognitive ability yet to make fully rational decisions, which helps to explain their sometimes wildly impulsive behavior (“What were you thinking doing that?  You weren’t thinking at all!”)

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When a teen is going through a rough time the very best thing a caring parent can do is to pay attention and be there for them.  Just letting the teen know that you care, that you support them in their normal struggle, that you love them unconditionally has a huge effect on helping the teen through a dark period.  And if you can’t be helpful, because you’re too close, find another adult close to the teen to get involved.  While love may not solve all the world’s problems that a teen may think he faces, it can go a long way in helping – certainly more than throwing up your hands in frustration and giving up emotionally on him.  Note: refrain from saying, “I understand what you’re going through – I was a teenager once too” which is not comforting.  Remember that every person’s journey through adolescence is unique and you don’t really understand your child’s unique experience.

While culling through my volumes of books I came across an interesting title The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Byock.  Dr. Byock spent many years with terminal patients in hospice care and gleamed from those near the end of life the most important things about living that makes it all worthwhile. The wisdom of people near the end of their days points to how we can all enjoy life fully. There really are only four things that are important to have in your life.

The four things are summed up in 10 words:  I’m sorry, I forgive you, thank you, and I love you

The concepts of remorse, forgiveness, gratitude, and love when applied and expressed in all relationships deeply enriches the quality of life lived with the special people in our lives.

These concepts relate well to the relationship parents have with teenagers.

“I’m sorry, I was wrong; please forgive me.”  We try to be perfect but we are not and never will be; we are always a work in progress no matter how old we are.  Letting our teens know that we make mistakes, often because our parents before us made the same mistakes with us, is the sign of a healthy relationship.  The teen greatly appreciates the recognition of the parent’s own frailties, which also models the behavior for their future reference.  Note: this apology is not, “I’m sorry I don’t have all the answers” but rather, “I’m sorry for the way I acted, which was wrong.”

Admitting when you’re wrong goes two ways in any relationship; it’s not one-sided with one person always apologizing and the other person always accepting the apology. Each side in turn will be wrong and needs to express their remorse for their behavior.

Being able to accept an apology is another important part of living.  This means really letting go of the wrongdoing and not harboring residual resentment; really forgiving the person for their transgression. When you hear, “sorry is not enough” then the wound is so deep that forgiveness is too hard to get to, for now.  Realistically what can the person do besides apologize?  Beg at your feet for forgiveness? “I’ll find a way to make it up to you” – really?  When you are able to truly experience forgiveness and allow that this person in their heart did not mean to wound, you are well on your way.

With teenagers this can be difficult because they can sound really mean and offensive, but forgiving them this stage that they are going through is important to do. As much as it may seem that they mean some of the terrible things that they may say and do, they truly are worth your forgiveness, even if they don’t ask for it. Give it to them anyway – forgive them their teenage angst.

Gratitude – can they ever be grateful enough for all the things you have done for them? Heck, you gave them life itself! – a little thank you every now and then would be nice, wouldn’t it?  How about the gratitude flowing the other way?  Thanking them for the joy that they bring to your world (yes, there actually are many joyful moments) both now, in the past, and in the future. Thanking them consistently and regularly with real gratitude is a good habit to develop.  It’s easier to notice and harp on the bad things – the crankiness, the surly attitude – but looking for the good and mentioning it with real gratitude is well worth doing.

“I love you” – we all live for those three little words.  They are so powerful and so important to hear and to deliver.  A world without love is not a life worth living.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  The Beatles said, “Love is all you need” but sometimes we wonder, is love enough?  It turns out that in addition to love we really need three other relationship qualities to have a happy life – an expression of remorse when we have erred (the opposite side of that coin is guilt, which will eat away at a person), forgiveness (not just the words, but in the heart), and gratitude (real appreciation for another person’s efforts).   However possessing these four qualities is still not enough – they must be outwardly expressed – verbally shared, for the relationship to flourish.