“How did you ever snag that opportunity?”  “I don’t know, I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.”    

“How did you meet so-in-so that led to [insert wondrous happening]?”  “It was dumb luck – I just happened to be going by and…”

My son is one of those people that we call “lucky” – things that he has no direct control of just seem to go his way.  He gets picked for things, wins chance lotteries (not the monetary ones; the put-your-name-in-and-we’re-picking-300-from-the thousands-of-entries-to-participate lotteries).  Like the other day he was at the Atlanta airport waiting with 100s of stranded others for a flight that was facing a long delay, when he noticed another flight on the board that was leaving earlier.

He decided to try for the earlier flight and heard that the waiting list was 32 people opting for standby.  What are the chances of actually getting on when he was last on a long list?  But with nothing to lose, he added his name to the standby list and, of course, his name was called and he claimed the last seat of the 3 people that got on the packed flight.

So how do the lucky do it?  Sometimes it comes down to what you don’t know that makes all the difference – inside knowledge.  In the case of getting off the standby list, the obvious fact is that many fly with companions who don’t want to separate.  When there are 3 single seats, those flying alone have an advantage.

The inside knowledge is whether the airline’s policy is to just take the singles (the easy route), or called people in the order on the list and see if each party wants to forfeit sitting together to take the flight.  In the harried world of airport flight delays, the easy route is most appealing. (If you are in this situation, you could help your cause by signing up on the standby list as singles, if you are willing to fly solo should you all not get called.)

Luck has been defined as preparedness meeting opportunity.  I would add to that description that the lucky also are very observant and notice the opportunity that others may miss seeing.  They have their antenna up pretty much all the time in their area of interest.

So the lucky people in the world are actually just very well prepared in their area, and what appears to be taking a flyer is really not that farfetched at all.  They are well qualified for Lady Luck to drop into their proverbial laps.

But the supposed lucky also communicate their willingness to give it a try and voila, success is theirs!  They see an opportunity and they are not shy about pursuing it.  With a dogged willingness, but when they get it on the first attempt, it’s chalked up to dumb luck.

But it’s far from luck and they are far from dumb.  They are extremely well qualified for what they are attempting, because if they aren’t, they wouldn’t last long.  And lucky people continue their lucky pattern with multiple successes.

Then there are the one-hit wonders who strike it lucky once, which is truly dumb luck, a random occurrence. Great if it happens to you; enjoy it for the usually rare happening that it is.  But you can increase your natural luck by being really prepared, then keeping your eyes and ears open for the opportunity to jump on it.  Communicate your willingness to be considered and you will be surprised at the opportunities that suddenly appear out of thin air.  The more you do this, the luckier you will find that you become.

As for winning chance lotteries, well who hears about all the times your ticket didn’t come up?

I just learned that “snafu” is a word that developed from an acronym that lost its acronym status when it joined the lexicon as a word in its own right.  Snafu, which military personnel knew way ahead of civilians, comes from “situation normal, all f**ked up” Ha!  Who knew?  Interesting for a linguist to learn something new every day. (Related acronyms, which are still acronyms and not accepted words yet, are “tarfu” and “fubar” which you probably can figure out, especially if you’re an avid texter living in the world of acronyms.)

But back to the main topic – So what is that thing that snarls communication more than anything else?  It’s a lack of proper listening.  No surprise.

Of sure, we think we’re pretty good listeners, probably self-rate as better than average.  But stop kidding yourself; we are all pretty bad listeners at best.

Why are we so bad at listening?  Why does it take real effort to consciously try to listen?  Well you may take heart to learn that we are all wired to be bad listeners – it’s really not your fault!  But don’t bask in the excuse for long, since having an excuse doesn’t mean you should use it.  We need to fight our basic wiring and strive to listen better, for better communication.

The brain is wired for efficiency, to conserve precious energy.  Thinking consumes a ton of calories (ever see a fat scientist?), so in an effort to conserve the limited energy we have, the brain looks for shortcuts in thinking, patterns – “hmmm. this is sounding familiar – got it! – it lines up with this thought over here, so it must be so [jumping to conclusions to complete the pattern quickly] – pattern complete, problem solved, I can stop listening now.”

Jane: Guess what happened to me the other day!

John’s brain: [Guess what happened is sounding like a question coming so I better pay attention since it sounds like a problem is coming my way to try to solve.]

Jane:  I was walking down the street and bumped into…

John:  My mom, right? Because she told me she saw you yesterday. [brain: I can stop listening at this point and move on to more pressing matters.]

Jane:  Well, she told me something rather interesting…

John:  Yeah, yeah, I know.

Jane:  Would you let me finish a complete sentence and stop interrupting!

Active listening is a keystone skill for communicating well.  Keystone means foundational, aptly named as conversations are built around the rapport that develops when active listening is used.

Active listening is not just parroting back what the person says, just so they feel heard.  Active listening involves building on what they said to demonstrate understanding and deepening the conversation.

Typically poor listeners fall into one of 5 bad habit categories:

Defensive listeners – everything said is against ME; they listen for self-criticism

“Sally looks good in that color.” “You’ve never mention that I look good in any color”

Stage Hog listeners – fidgeters, inattentively waiting to respond.

“Wait until you hear what happened.”  “I can top your story with what happened to ME!”

Selective listeners – ask too many questions, mind racing ahead, trying to decide

Lost in Space listeners – wandering eyes and mind, not focused on the conversation

“Did you even hear a word I said?”  “What?  Oh, sorry… could you say it again?”

           Ambush listeners – interrupters who remind you of what you said earlier that was            contradictory, looking to trip you up

         “I hope I can make it” “Wait, you just said you would try to come and now you sound           like you’re not even going to make a real effort.  So which is it?”

We all know people who are each of these bad listening styles.  These categories are truly bad habits, as language and listening patterns become very habitual, automatic behavior we indulge in without even thinking about it.

Changing bad habits isn’t easy, but it can be done.  Developing the good habit of active listening will serve you and your communication skills well.  Are you listening?

Good actors bring a script to life.  The best ones know just how to nuance the emotion perfectly, so it feels real, like it’s from the heart; you believe that the actor IS the character, not that he is just playing a part; the emotions come from his gut,much more than simply words rising from a page.

How do good actors breathe life into mere words?  How can you do the same for your emails?

Emails need a life of their own, yet they exist without the benefit of sound, tone, or pausing, useful tools at an actor disposal.  All an email has is the words on the page.  What’s an uninformed writer supposed to do?  Lucky for you, there’s help – right here!

When an actor enters the stage, he has presence – you know he’s there; he owns the space.  All eyes are on him; he heavily influences the action.  In emails, your influencing entrance is the headline.  It grabs attention (or it should), it draws the reader in (an acquired skill), and the headline gets the right reader in (everything written is not for everyone).  Whew, that’s a lot of work, but the headline is just that important.  If you get nothing else right, get the headline right.

A headline is 80% of the battle.  Yup, 80% of the work is done by the workhorse headline, with an optional subheader taking some of the load.  And to make things worse, you’re on a short time crunch.  That poor headline only has fractions of seconds to send out the bait and reel ‘em in, or they’ve moved on. So don’t skip on understanding how to write good headlines.  It’s that big of a deal.

Once the reader is into the body of content, now the job becomes to keep him engaged.  That is best done by delivering a compelling story.  Engaging emotions gets them hooked and hanging on every word inside the content.  Hard to do you say?  Perhaps initially, but definitely trainable with some learned techniques.

My favorite example of concise, moving story writing is the Hemingway vignette: Hemingway was bet that he couldn’t tell a complete story in 6 words.  He collected on that bet with:  For sale – baby shoes, never worn. 

The syntax also helps (or hurts) with the breathing of life into writing.  Using big (over 3 syllables) words is not only pretentious, it smacks of elitism, which is never an endearing quality.  Keeping the words, sentences and paragraphs short, snappy, and clear helps maintain attention.  And keeping it conversational, like conversing with a good friend.  Nicely informal; keep it authentic.  Ditch the stilted writing; no one talks like that, never did.  Boring is not attention getting.

Now that the words are alive, grabbing attention, digging in with emotion – what do you want the reader to do?  What action do you want to happen?  And every written piece has a desired resulting action as a goal. Too often the desired action is not asked for, leaving the reader to guess!  Not a good idea as no one has time to mind read.  When you don’t ask for what you want, all that good writing can end up confusing instead of progressing towards the goal of the piece.  And we all know that a confused mind rarely acts.  Or the action is to retreat…and no one wants to see the brilliant actor fall from grace with forgotten bumbled lines.

“I disagree” – when you hear those words, your short hairs stand on end; you can’t help but start to feel defensive.  Brace yourself, here comes the discomfort of being challenged.

           I just disagree with you on this one.

          I happen to disagree with your assessment.

          I can’t agree with your version of events.

Translation: No…you’re wrong…you’re mistaken… you’re fooling yourself… no….no…no

We all love our own opinion and want it taken seriously, respected, and to be right.  The words “I disagree” indicate a serious blow is coming to your (fragile?) ego.

Our knee jerk response to disagreement is a riled response like:

           What do you mean, I’M wrong?

          How DARE you disagree with me on this!

          Who are you to disagree with my assessment?

          What do you know about it to disagree with ME; I was there, not you!

Stand down, keep an open mind, and don’t assume the worse until you hear the other person out.  Easier said than done.  It’s not easy to keep an open mind; it’s actually quite hard.  That’s because disagreement can feel like a betrayal.  You thought this person or this group you are speaking to was an emotionally safe harbor to state your ideas.  Instead the amygdala signals Danger! Danger! Not safe! Get the defenses ready! – a perceived threat triggered by the betrayal inferred by disagreement.

Part of being human is to be judgmental, much as we say that we aren’t, we can’t help it.  It’s how we’re wired.  No matter what happens, we snap to judgment.  Enjoy the book? – eh, it was just OK (judgmental).  Nice haircut! (positive judgment, but still passing judgment) I think you ought to… (there you go again passing judgment, unsolicited.)  Being judgmental and quick to judge is part of the brain’s pattern completion operational style.

The brain makes patterns to conserve energy.  It takes a lot of energy to be the brain – so much going on to keep track of to run the body perfectly – so of course shortcuts are sought out and taken (being judgmental), sometimes with very short supporting material (snap judgment).

The best response to “I disagree” is “please clarify – help me to understand where our opinions differ”.  OK, maybe that’s a little stilted and no one actually talks that way, but you get what I’m saying, right?  So instead say something light like, “yup, you disagree – tell me more” with the point of not getting defensive; hear it out.

And when you’re the one expressing disagreement, watch your tone as the most important factor.  So if you’re disagreeing in writing, remember that the tone of words is inferred by the reader, not by the sender’s intentions.  You may think your tone is appropriately expressed, but it’s the reader’s state of mind that will really determine the tone they hear in your words.  And their state of mind is something that you can’t know.

So do yourself, and those you care enough about to disagree with, a favor and not express disagreement in writing, on the big things that matter.  Oh, the little things that are minor and of little consequence – it’s fine to pipe up about those trivialities in writing.  But when the matter is big enough to care about and you find that you must disagree, help yourself out and express that disagreement in person where you can smooth over any rough spots.  Which I’m assuming you can nicely do.

After every Thanksgiving dinner, my father would say, “I have that good old miserable feeling.”  My young self would wonder, is it good or is it miserable? – how can it be both, since one is desirable and one is undesirable – opposites!

We all know the English language pretty well, and we think we understand the concept of opposites also pretty well, right?  Careful – it’s not as clear as you think.  Especially in the world of emotions and feelings, that embody the important world of communication.

Quick – what’s the opposite of “LOVE”?  – “hate”, you reply pretty quickly.  But is it really?

Opposite is defined as “having a position on the other or further side of something; diametrically different, a kind of contrary”.

So if you don’t love someone or something, it doesn’t mean necessarily that you hate it or them.  You just don’t love or care for it.  So the opposite of LOVE is INDIFFERENT, neutral, disinterest, take it or leave it kind of feeling.  But certainly not hate.

Here’s another one: what’s the opposite of “HAPPY”? – I’m hearing a “sad” coming off your lips.  But again, thinking clearly, when we are not happy, we aren’t necessarily sad or unhappy, we are just neutral.   Happiness is on a 1-5 scale that ranges from:

1. Not happy – mild discomfort with the person or situation
2. Neutral – neither happy or unhappy
3. Happy – pleasant feelings with the person or situation
4. Very happy – joyous, high feelings of pleasure
5. Extremely happy – ecstatic, blissful, best day of my life feelings

The beauty of happiness, in ourselves and in others, is that we control what state of happiness we’re in, simply by framing things in our mind.  We can easily make ourselves any of the first 3 stages by reminding ourselves of our good fortunes versus how things could be so much worse.  To get to the higher 2 stages of happy usually takes external circumstances to bring about, but there’s no reason not to be in a constant stage 3 state.  Most people live most of their time in stage 2, borderline stage 1.  So unfortunate; so unnecessary to do to ourselves.

How about this one: the opposite of “FAITHFUL”? – you’re catching on that it’s not “unfaithful” is it?  To be faithful is to be loyal, reliable, steadfast.  Many times religions call their followers The Faithful – and the nonbelievers?  We’re branded “Infidels” in the Muslim realm, which translates, not to unfaithful, but to “non-believer”.  So the opposite of faithful is actually “apathetic” – don’t know, don’t care.

The point is not to paint the world as black or white in your communication and in your thinking.  There’s a lot of gray out there; the world is mainly shades of gray (a valid expression long before the book came out and tainted it).

We want to shortcut, cut to the chase, see the pattern and quickly take the obvious answer.  And sometimes that works out just fine.  But other times a little more ‘gray’ thought is called for.  Things are rarely fully as they appear, especially in communicating with other people.  Thinking beyond black and white to see the gray in between is an easy skill that just requires taking a split second of time to consider what’s not obvious.

We would rather be hungry, go without sex, and suffer many similar hardships rather than be lonely.  That’s how ingrained the need to bond with others is.  And of course, no one wants to die alone. We are such social creatures.

Loved ones, family or friends, are the crux of our being and bring much of the meaning to what we do.  How to benefit others and make the world a better place is a worthy goal to our existence.  Even if the world is defined as our little corner, consisting of just 1 other person, it makes a difference.  At the heart of love is friendship.  And sometimes the act of extending ourselves in friendship to another or others can be hard to do.

Friendship is defined as “a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people” with the key word as “mutual”.  If only one side likes the other, and the feeling is not reciprocated, one person alone does not a friendship make.  The “relationship” concept is also key; it takes two communicating with each other to be in a relationship.  Anything lacking the relationship component is not a friendship, it’s an acquaintance.  Someone you pleasantly know, who knows you also but doesn’t know you well, a “hi” friend, more accurately labeled in business as an associate.

Friendship is a relative term depending on which side of the friendship you’re talking to.  One person can describe the relationship as bosom buddies while the other person can be thinking that the same relationship is simply one of convenience.  This misconception frequently happens in varying degrees because we would rather fool ourselves than believe we are not likable (remember the dread of loneliness).  I once was surprised when an OK friend described me as her best friend. Because with the BFF label comes responsibilities, which I wasn’t prepared to own.

For some outgoing people, making friends is easy.  For others it’s hard.  And for some it’s close to impossible and more than a little painful.  We are not taught how to make friends in school.  It’s just assumed that as little kids we somehow know how to make others like us.  My daughter was having a hard time making friends in 1^st grade, which I recognized and stepped in to remedy.  I picked out a best friend from her classmates, and then sent snacks in her lunchbox to share only with the chosen one.  Later jump ropes and small toys were added to the mix, with the same instructions.  Did it work on a 6-year old?  Absolutely!  You can buy the affection of almost anyone, at pretty much any age.

But over time as they changed schools the friendship faded and distance plus changing personalities inevitably drifted them apart.  OK, so the foundation wasn’t solidly built on personality, but at least it got her through the tender developmental years.

So how do you make friends, without resorting to bribery, especially as an adult?  To make friends you have to open yourself up to be vulnerable.  This could put you in a world of hurt if the feelings are not reciprocated.  But that’s part of what it takes to bond with another person.  It also takes being authentic, being true to yourself – not pretending to be something that you’re not.  Another open avenue to getting hurt – what if the person doesn’t like who you are? …And the crippling insecurities rise up and swallow your self-esteem.  A third prerequisite of friendship is a genuine caring for the other person.  In the social/selfish balance, to gain a friend worth having requires thinking about them and their needs ahead of your own.  (Similar to being a parent.)

Kids have a pretty easy time making friends.  But as we get older, it’s harder and harder to make good friends.  “Hi” friends are easy enough, but we truthfully only have time for a handful of close people in our life, and as we age, all our available slots are already filled by existing relationships.  It’s said that if you die and can count your good friends on one hand, you have lead a rich life.  So 5 slots and you’re out of room to add any more good friends.  Deep relationships take up time to cultivate, maintain, and nourish properly.

Like a garden, every relationship needs weeding every so often, or complacency and taking for grantedness settles in.  You turn around one day and wonder who this person is that you don’t recognize anymore because you haven’t kept up with the changes that time brings to all of us.

So the friendship is at the end of its cycle and it’s time to call it quits. Throw in the towel.  Move on.  But unlike a marriage that ends in divorce, we don’t formally divorce our friends.  We just let the friendship fade away.  Softly and slowly without fanfare, but definitely.  And the point here is to make the decision to let a friendship go.  Think about what you are giving and getting from a relationship that is on the ropes and then make the conscious decision to fade or fight.  A rational decision is so much better than the default option of “oops!  Forgot about you over there in the corner and now it’s too late to salvage the friendship.”

What if you want to fight for a friendship but the other person is in fade mode?  You can address it head-on and maybe a direct conversation about what’s not happening with the friendship may be enough to jolt the person back into action.  But usually it’s a sign that things have changed and this friendship has run its course.  No messy breakup, just at the end of the friendship cycle.

Some friendships never end until the big D ends them.  A friend of mine had a best friend for 30 years who died and left a huge void in her life.  It was nearly impossible to fill the emptiness and a large depression set in.  Although several of us tried to fill the gap, even after several years, the withdrawal persists.  Vulnerability is a bitch.

Your friendship comment?

We bump into someone, “Oh, sorry!”

A clerk in the store is asked by a customer if they have an item that isn’t carried, “Sorry, we don’t carry that.”

Your grandmother died, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”  – a legit “I’m sorry”

My young kids are fighting, “Say you’re sorry to each other!” I command.  “Sorry” one mutters.  “Sorry” the other shoots back quickly.  “No, say it like you MEAN it!” I demand.

Saying “I’m sorry” seems to be painfully hard for some people to say, while overdone by others.  To admit to erring – brave or foolish?  Ego aside, saying you’re sorry is not so hard, especially when you don’t really mean it.  For some, saying “sorry” can just be a bad habit.

A client once apologized repeatedly for minor things that were not her fault (“sorry your bus was delayed”, “sorry you bumped your shin”, “sorry that chair is taken”) until I pointed out to her that she had a “sorry” habit.  She couldn’t even hear herself saying it until she started to pay attention.

Saying you’re sorry occurs so often for some people that it’s become habitual.  And it’s not necessarily a good habit to have.  It’s nice to be polite and apologize when you’ve either offended someone, or bumped into them, but when the words come rushing out and you find yourself apologizing to the lamp post when you turn around, you know that the habit has become foolish.

Why is this not a great habit to have?  For one thing, when you say “sorry” as an automatic reflex, you don’t really mean it.  It’s just what you say because you’re conditioned to say it.  And when we toss out a word that we don’t really mean, that’s not an authentic display of character – polite, yes, but still disingenuous, just like my kids apologizing to each other when they don’t mean it.  So why say it at all, except it’s a socially acceptable thing to say, and heavens knows we want to fit in; being polite is a good way to get there.

Another reason why you should drop the sorry habit is because of the way language affects internal beliefs.   To be truly sorry is to admit culpability; you are wrong or have wronged someone somehow, for which you are remorseful.  When we say sorry over and over again, when it has nothing to do with us, we carry around the inferred blame, which can internalize into feeling like the kind of person who is blameworthy and deserves to need to ask for others’ forgiveness.  For nothing!  Not your fault, so stop apologizing.

When I was in high school, Joan would apologize repeatedly for a minor transgression.  She was in the wrong, but somehow she just couldn’t let it go until she had brought it up and apologized so often to the point of discomfort.  Once – apology accepted.  Twice – OK I get that you’re taking responsibility for your actions.  Even three times shows how deeply you care.  But by the 20^th “I’m sorry” I’m avoiding you and your serious self-esteem problem, which is grating on my nerves to hear it over and over and over and….

Women apologize much more than men do.  It’s not in our nature to be doormats.  However it is in our nature to try to smooth things over and keep everything harmonious.  And it’s in the nature of problem-solving men to point out to us, “What are you apologizing for?  It’s not your fault that the bus was late; it had nothing to do with you.”  “What I mean is that I’m sorry you had to wait…”  Stop right there, now an explanatory apology?  Change immediately to, “That’s unfortunate.”  Just as polite, and no apology needed.

When we apologize “sorry” by itself really means, “that’s too bad”, without the personalization.  When we truly are at fault, an “I’m sorry” is called for, with the personalization.  The former needs to be eliminated, since there are lots of other words to use to get across the same idea. (i.e.“Oh, I believe that chair is taken.”)  Remember the mental damage the sorry habit does and stop doing that to yourself, if you are indeed the sorry type.  There is power in words, especially words that you repeat over and over again.

I’m sorry to tell you this, but the sorry habit needs to be kicked, Joan.

Comment about any Joans you have known.

When you read that (book) title, what do you think it refers to?  If you’re like most people, you think it is saying, “me ahead of you – me, my needs, wants and desires come before yours!”  But the author explained that what she actually meant to convey with the title was: “me, what I was like, before I met you, i.e. the impact you had on me”.  Huh!  Well, now that you put it that way…

So communication can be problematic, especially when you think you’re saying one thing and the other person is thinking something entirely different… Here’s another example of unclear, therefore confusing communication: others are critical – are others being critical in their opinions…?…or… are other people very important…?  Hmmm, hard to know, and very different!

But back to Me Before You, which nicely highlights the selfish/social dichotomy we all try to keep balanced almost every hour of every day. It’s a real balancing act to keep the two in check:

Charity begins at home – selfish!

Lend a helping hand – social!

Blood is thicker than water – selfish!

Share and share alike – social!

Where’s my share?  No fair! – selfish

Everyone gets a turn – social

Tell me a story/Let me tell you about it – selfish

Let’s not start until everyone arrives – social

We can’t help it – we’re selfish!  It’s necessary to getting ahead, the competitive urge, survival of the fittest, only the strong survive and all that.  It’s our “job” to advance the gene pool, carry forth the species, preferably in our own image.

But we also must be very social, cooperate, no man is an island, can’t do it alone.  It’s tough out there and we need all the help we can get.  Just try to be fully independent and see how long you last living off the land, sewing all your own clothes, growing all your own food, generating your own power – plus it’s just no fun being voted off the island.

Balancing the two natural drives is the trick.  Going too far in one direction makes you either an anti-social loner that no one likes, or a doormat that everyone takes advantage of.

Here’s a test: Your friend Jane says, “I just saw (name of a joint acquaintance) who I haven’t seen in years and s/he looks great, s/he’s aging really well!”  Now, is your first thought –

      A. I wonder if Jane thinks I’m aging well?

     B. Oh, I haven’t seen him/her in years…

The point is that many take the WIIFM (what’s in it for me) route A and you need to expect that.  Every time, every communication.  The other person is likely reframing whatever you said to their own selfish thought of: how does this apply to me and my situation?

Realizing this happens on a regular basis and preparing for it in advance of opening your mouth is a smart way to communicate.   Your communication will be clearer because you will understand and be thinking like the other person.  Getting out of your head (selfish) and into the other person’s head (social) is the best approach to effective and persuasive communication. And we’re all trying to persuade (selfish) someone (social) of something pretty much most of the time, aren’t we?

What’s your leaning?

Previously “The most important question to ask yourself” was explored.  Now the communication tables are turned and the spotlight is on the other person, your conversation partner.

The definition of communication is transferring what’s in your head into the head of another person.  But we are always moving so fast (why exactly?) that we don’t take the time to make sure that the desired transference happens clearly and completely.  We think that a nod indicates “got it”, when that could be far from the other person’s reality.  Oh, they may also think they have it right, but when things go awry and disaster strikes that’s when you both realize that the knowledge transfer was faulty; but too late, the damage is done!  “What happened? (you wonder incredulously, like this could never be your fault) I thought you understood!!”  Oops…Next starts the blame game.

The most important question to ask others is:  What do you mean? (Help me to understand what’s in your head, because I don’t know if my thoughts transferred accurately.)

As always, tone is VERY important – make sure the emphasis is right.  So,

Not: “WHAT do you mean?” which is accusatory.

Not: “What DO you mean?” which is hostile.

Not: “What do you MEAN?” which is the beginning of anger.

Preferably you want to control the tone and ask in a level voice, but that’s just not possible, then put the emphasis on YOU: “What do YOU mean?” (silently: since I potentially take what you just said to mean something else entirely)

Why do unfortunate and preventable communication mistakes happen daily, and multiple times a day?  Because we make half-baked assumptions that “of course they understood properly, after all they’re not stupid!”  so we beg off wasting our precious time checking in.  We get into so many bad situations by assuming, when we could have just taken a few seconds to clarify.

Or we don’t want to embarrass the other person by asking, “You get what I mean OK, right?”  Hmm, now who’s going to risk looking stupid by replying, “No, I don’t understand…” – which you’ve now painted them into the idiot corner with no way out.  It’s no wonder that you and your veiled offer of an explanation is summarily waved off, resulting in foggy understanding.

Or we use that superior tone of voice; who would dare ask you for clarification after hearing THAT voice intoning, “Do I need to state the obvious (implying: you child)?”  Not even a real question.

The most important question you can ask every conversational partner is a simple checking in to ensure accurate understanding – asked in a nice, non-threatening way – and the higher the stakes, the more important the need for clarity.

Deciding what’s at stake requires some forethought.  Not a lot, but some slowing down to consider.  It’s helpful to take a second every time and imagine things down the road: how dire would the results be if the understanding here is faulty?  If nothing is at stake, no worries.  But if there is any annoyance to be suffered should things go south, the extra few seconds spent making sure the thought transference was complete are well worth the effort.

Life is too short to spend any part of it annoyed, when the annoyance could easily be avoided.  All it takes is developing a new mental habit of forethought before action.  Think about future consequences, and instead of assuming, take a few seconds to clarify with the other person.

Then give yourself a nice pat on the back for having such good communication skills, saving yourself from yet another communication snafu of any size.

He looked at the screen that he had looked at hundreds of times before in his job as an air traffic controller, yet this time something just felt wrong.  He didn’t know what, or why, he just had this gut feeling that what he was looking at this time was horribly wrong, but he was at a loss to put words to back up this feeling…

She had a hunch that this time was going to be different, better, finally!  What was different she didn’t know; it was just somehow different, something beyond wishful thinking, where she just knew.

What is this unexplained strong feeling anyway?  Sometimes called (women’s) intuition, or listening to your gut, or a just having a hunch.  Whatever it’s called, you know what I mean and have likely experienced it several times.  And if you’re smart when you experience it as a caution to look before you leap headlong into danger, you will indeed listen to your gut, which never steers you wrong.  When something feels wrong, that internal red flag starts waving, and you better pay good attention.

The advice to trust your gut when you get a “funny” feeling about something is good advice.  Your brain’s main job is to protect you at all costs, from anything that would do you harm (any perceived harm, which could be emotional as well as physical harm).  Survival is paramount to advancing the gene pool.  A bad feeling is worth paying attention to.

The brain is built to problem solve.  Rather, the large neocortex is built for problem solving – the large frontal brain structure where higher reasoning takes place.  Is there a problem? – the neocortex is ON it, quickly looking for an answer.  And the fastest way to an answer is to scan through the vault of experiences looking for a similar instance, a pattern.  To say that the brain loves to create patterns is an understatement – it exists to create patterns.

Where have I seen this before?  How is this experience like that other experience?  What similarities do the experiences share and how important are the similar elements?  That’s your brain in thinking mode, with much of this happening well below the conscious level, and occurring at lightning speed.

That’s intuition hard at work.  The brain in a nanosecond sees a disruption in the pattern – something’s different – and sends up the red flag, making your hairs stand on end if the stakes are high enough.  You become reluctant to move forward without exactly knowing why.

Now you know what’s going on.  What we label intuition, a bad feeling about something, a hunch that is coming from your gut – is not mysterious at all; it’s your very logical brain saying I’ve seen this before but this time is somehow different from the regular pattern and not in a good way because I’m recalling some past undesirable results. But we think it’s unexplainable because we can’t process the brain’s intricate workings at a conscious level.

If it’s an unsubstantiated good feeling, sorry to say, it likely IS just wishful thinking, without basis.  The brain doesn’t have a crystal ball to tell what’s going to happen in the future, much as we might like to believe it could.  So those comments of “I’ve got a good feeling about this”, “I have a hunch that this time’s a winner” and the like are a gambler’s pipe dream, when it’s referring to a hopeful future.

But a feeling of mistrust about a future event, a new situation or a person is valid, because it’s drawing on a past similar experience.  That real intuition is not to be ignored.  Listen to your gut, then thank your brain for saving your butt from danger yet again.

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