Taboo Conversation Topics: RELIGION and POLITICS

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TABOO TOPICSIn polite conversation, we know to avoid 
discussing religion and politics, unless we’re
prepared to get into a knock down drag out –
these two areas just seem to bring out 
emotional extremes in otherwise calm
people.  Why do you think this is?Personally I don’t hold strong views on either,
except that I believe in neither, which is
probably a strong view by itself.  So rather
than hear a lecture on why I must, why I absolutely must have a religion (to save my

immortal soul), or hold a political view (to save the country from certain ruin), I try to avoid both in all conversation, polite or otherwise.

I’m reminded about this in a phone conversation yesterday with my former client and now good
friend Roger.  Roger is a retired insurance salesman and long past his prime, pretty mellow in
his golden years.  So I was very surprised when we were discussing my daughter’s graduation
from college last year and being unable to find gainful employment in her career of choice,
Roger shouts “you better be voting for Romney!”  I said, “What did you say?” since I couldn’t
believe his vehemence, and he persisted, “you are voting for Romney, aren’t you?”  Wow, he
was actually pushing his politics on me!  What IS it about politics that gets people’s ire up??

Whatever “it” is, religion has the same bent, which makes my skin crawl (I have personal issues
with religiosity).  I recently read that religion and strong causes makes a person callous,
makes them feel superior – how true!  The holier-than-thou attitude of “true believers” is not
enviable, instead it’s rather pitiable.  And who, they wonder, am I to pity them? – me, with the
certain-to-be-damned soul!   Your cause may be good for you, and it may even be good for
the world at large, but let me decide if I want to embrace it for me.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  If you are at all tempted to discuss religion or politics think 
twice – it still offends many.  Maybe it doesn’t offend all, but it’s not worth it to find out the 
hard way, since they may not tell you the truth when asked.  And if you don’t care enough
about the person so you can freely be offensive, why waste your time with the conversation?
Political views, in this the high season for politics, and religious views are still and will
likely always be communication hot potatoes, best left alone.

QUESTION:  Does this resonate at all with you?  Do you have a story of a political 
“debate” that went over the top, got a bit out of hand?

Communicating When You’re Not Saying a Word

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Last week I attended a regional Chamber of Commerce event (by “regional” you get that I mean a smaller group, so everyone there could see everyone else) for the first time, but I knew plenty of people there, some who I hadn’t seen for a while.  And suddenly there was an older, forlorn looking estate planning attorney who I knew by name as a professional acquaintance from about 8 years ago.

So I greeted him with a classic pickup line, that if I were a male, would have been humorous, “Hey, don’t I know you from a past life?”  He looked at me but without recognition.  With my usual enthusiasm, I persisted with, “Yes, it’s Roger [confirmed on his name badge] – you’re an estate planning attorney, right?  And you had an office beside my old Merrill Lynch office on Middle St.”  He acquiesced that I was right and he had given up his solo practice to join a firm a couple of years ago.  I knew an attorney at his new firm, but couldn’t come up with Mike’s last name and neither could he.  From there I moved on to talk with other people.

At one point I looked over and saw Roger standing by himself, looking just as forlorn as before and realized that he had no idea how to network.  I chalked it up to
a)   He’s an attorney, a profession notorious for getting paid to help others and for not seeking/paying    for self-help
b)   He’s older – pretty far along in his career – giving up?
c)   He’s never been told/taught/trained on what to do at a networking event

Now I could have been a kind soul and offered him some words of advice, but since I know that people who don’t ask for help, won’t benefit from it when it is unsolicited, I refrained.  So I leave it to a close friend to do him the kindness of telling him that:
1.   When you go to a networking event, gear yourself up for the mental exercise that is necessary if you are an introvert.  Put on your game face and play like a trooper.  When someone talks to you like they know you, play along, or fake it until you make it, but don’t lose the opportunity to let an extrovert do the heavy lifting socially.

2.   Go to a networking event armed with a plan – or don’t waste your time by going at all.  The plan should be to meet 3 good connections that you can follow up with later.  Maybe it’s to help them, not you.  Maybe it’s regarding similar/shared volunteer work.  Maybe it is for mutual business.  But have the plan to stay until you get the 3 contacts, then it will be a worthwhile event.

3.   Don’t stand alone at a networking event!  Find anyone else to talk to for goodness sake, or else leave.  And if you do find yourself momentarily alone, be careful of the impression you are creating by standing there looking forlorn.  I don’t think I would ever hire or recommend an attorney that looked pitiful.  And if I noticed, others did too and took away a similar unfavorable impression.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Always be conscious of the impression you are creating when you are out in public – even when you think no one is noticing.  Sculpt that impression to be one of your choosing – your brand is consistently on the line.   Your brand is the emotion people feel when they see/hear/speak about you.  Is it one of competence?  Credibility?  Weakness?  Strength? (Overly) opinionated?  Etc. positive/etc. negative.   We are in the driver’s seat with our private brand, but we often forget and give up the wheel, becoming the passenger by default.

QUESTION:  Is your personal brand of your conscious choosing?  Are you consistent in the delivery of it?

INTERNAL COMMUNICATION – All That Self-Talk: Helpful or Harmful?

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Okay, so I talk to myself – who doesn’t?  That little voice in your head keeps a running dialogue with you pretty much every waking hour.  It reads to you while you’re reading, it comments to you when you’re visually assessing something, it can even keep you awake when you’re trying to shut it down and go to sleep.

I know I’m not the only one that lies in bed some nights and can’t stop my little voice from saying, “okay tomorrow is a big day – it’s important to get some decent rest – just fall asleep right now to get a good solid 7 hours – so stop dwelling on thoughts about all the things that need to get done – valuable sleeping time is being

wasted – great!  now it’s down to 6 1/2 hours of sleep –  stop checking the clock, which is just making things worse – go to sleep… go to sleep…- stop thinking and go to sleep right now– stop reviewing the points of the presentation! – stop this nonsense and get some rest already – now it’s down to just 5 1/2 hours of sleep – what a basketcase I’ll be without proper rest, so fall asleep  already – but nooooo,  just lying here – stop thinking already! – go to sleep… go to sleep… go to sleep… now down to 5 hrs… go to sleep already!”

Is it a losing battle talking to ourselves?  Does it do more harm (i.e. keeps us procrastinating) – or more good (i.e. saves us from making a mistake, with some extra thought)?  The truth is, our inner voice is capable of doing both good and harm, with the determining factor being the words that we use when we talk to ourselves.  We have all the control over the words in our head but we don’t always choose to exercise that control.

When we talk to ourselves positively, it is very motivating to the brain to fulfill the positive outcome expressed.  Negative talk takes two forms: a scolding and the absence of clear direction for the brain to work on.  “I should work out more”, “once again I forgot to [pick up milk on the way home]“, “somehow I keep putting off starting that project” are  unhelpful admonitions that we heap on ourselves, with little positive results.  Other examples of negative talk are: “I want to stop smoking“, “I want to lose weight“, “I need to get more sleep at night” which all lack a command for action for the brain to implement.

If we really want something to happen our self-communication should be worded in the positive about the results we want to see happen.  If we want to exercise more, “I should exercise more” whether spoken aloud or guiltily in your head, isn’t going to get you there; it’s just going to make you feel guilty about yet again not exercising.  “I will be more fit and trim by exercising now” is a much stronger motivator.  Just like, “I want to lose 10 pounds” is not strong enough to get a diet started and maintained.  Rather, “When I step on the scale tomorrow morning, I will see it inching closer to [120] pounds” is more likely to keep you from taking that second serving of dessert.  [A written plan of action is the very best method of goal attainment but for now we’re just focusing on self-talk.]

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  We don’t think enough about our own communication with ourselves, how we can choose to control that communication, and the deep self-destructive implications that internal communication has on our behavior when it is outright negative, or when it is lacking clear positive direction.

QUESTION:  How is your own internal voice sabotaging your efforts? 

Does Your Business Have a Bulletproof Communication Plan?

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Today the mailman delivered the usual credit card offers and flyer advertising in the mailbox, but just lately I’ve noticed a few more companies dipping a toe back into snail mail advertising.  In the “old” days, mailboxes overflowed with so much junk direct mail that most of it was thrown away before being opened.  Then along came the popularity of
the worldwide web and the mailbox river of junk quickly moved to annoying popups and spam – the heady lure of all that free advertising.  The internet reduced my hard copy mail from a daily tidal wave to a mere trickle.

Now that popup filters are advanced and there are penalties for unsolicited spamming, it appears that the tide is turning back to regular postal mail (an attempt to save the US Postal system from privatizing?) And what I saw today was a piece from my old insurance company, our local State Farm franchise office. 

We used to have all of our auto (6 cars) and homeowner’s policies with State Farm for many years, but a while ago I moved it all, primarily due to better pricing.  Now after all these years, they are back trying – too little too late – to communicate with me. Seeing their local solicitation advertising made me think about a) the relationship companies have/should have with their good/valued customers and b) what went wrong that they failed to keep my business; what they should have done to safeguard the relationship.

Relationships aren’t limited to just our families, friends, and co-workers.   Those social relationships take care of our mental well-being.  But we also have important relationships with the businesses we choose to frequent, as we trust them with our finances, our safety, often our physical well-being (cars, security systems, etc.).  Those service relationships are also built on trust, the foundation of all good relationships, embodied by the quality of the communication with the people in those businesses. 

While we may not think about businesses when considering the meaningful communications we have, certainly the businesses should be thinking about us – their raison d’être.  And like most relationships gone sour, the reason is usually due to one of two factors, or a combo of the two: 1) taking their eye off the ball, neglect of longtime customers, lack of direct personal communication, taking customer loyalty for granted, or 2) a bad experience, product blowup, poor service, product void. 

In the case of me and State Farm, it was the first factor, which is inexcusable since they are local and could easily have reached out warmly a couple of times a year to safeguard the relationship.  They chose not to, either to save money or because they didn’t deem it necessary.  Rather shortsighted.  If the relationship had been in place, I would have thought twice about moving for price.  You get what you pay for and since I felt like I was getting nothing at the end, I might as well save the money.  It really is that simple: people want to feel like they are special, not invisible, appreciated.

A program to insure (ha! ‘insure’ for a State Farm example!) that every customer feels like a part of the team, when there isn’t a problem, would pay huge loyalty dividends for years.  The bank teller that greets you by name.  The waitress that remembers your favorite order.  The insurance agent that calls you to ask how you’re enjoying the new car.  Or how your ‘away driver’ college student is doing in school.  That direct person touch is so easy to do, and can’t be replaced by an impersonal national firm for any price.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: Every relationship, personal or business, is susceptible to neglect or being taken for granted, if not safeguarded against.  Bulletproof your important relationships by taking a close look at them and then taking the necessary steps not let them wither away due to inattention.

QUESTION: Which types of businesses could really improve their client communications?  Click to comment

Knowing I-E-S Dominance Helps Communication

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This weekend my MIL came for a visit, and I realized how much of an “S-dominant” she is (versus being I-dominant or E-dominant).  What is I-E-S dominance you wonder?  In the world of the Hartman Value Profile, your dominance, as determined by your values, is the predominant filtering lens that we all use to view ourselves in the world.  [This is just a small slice of the larger world of HVP, to focus on for this post.]

To I-dominants, the world is viewed through the filter of themselves; they know their place in the world and recognize their purpose in being here.  An E-dominant views the world through the work that they perform, which is most important.   Think Mother Theresa, Einstein, Hitler and all the other driven-by-their-work-beyond-reason people.  Dr. Paul Farmer of Mountains Beyond Mountains fame comes quickly to mind.  Absolutely driven, but at what price, the I-dominants wonder?

 And an S-dominant views the world itself as primary, the world outside of themselves.  Everything is viewed through this filter.  It was so very obvious with my mother-in-law as she took a shower and dried off with a small hand towel, so as not to dirty a big towel (!).  She offered to sit in the back seat with 3 of us in the car, when she is 82 and I am 57.  She didn’t ask for a second serving even when there was plenty of food (but did accept seconds, but needed be offered, in order to accept).  She never thinks she looks good when photographed, although everyone else looks fine.  She was not invited to her only daughter’s small 2nd wedding in the same town, but genuinely did not take offense or feel slighted.

So  how do you communicate best with an S-dominant?  Once the trait is recognized – which is easy to do when you are looking for it – the first step is to self-acknowledge that not only is their world view different, but that it’s OK to hold that view, and it’s not necessarily wrong.  (My I-dominant self is screaming inside my head, “What do you MEAN she didn’t invite you to her wedding?  How is that possibly OK?”).

The next step is to take their perspective (hard to do when you have a lifetime of a different dominance) and view the world from their filter in your interaction with them, if you really care for them and want to deepen the relationship.

The final step is to structure your interaction to fit their filter.  Know that she won’t help herself to anything of yours and so offer her specific options that you want her to enjoy.  (“Please sit in the front”. And to others: “Please don’t ask her to do that, because she doesn’t know how to say no”)  We have a distinct problem in this country with S-dominant elderly people who are prone to being scammed, coupled with a pervasive lack of respect for the mature generation.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  We filter our interaction with the world using a distinct dominance, that varies in degree with each person.  To truly communicate well, an awareness of these styles  and how they affect a person’s outlook, is helpful to reframe the interaction to accommodate their perspective.

QUESTION:  How can the S-dominant elderly, true innocents, be better protected from scammers? 

Is Your Communication Color Blind?

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Color plays a strong role in communication – have you considered this variable in your subtle messaging?  Notice how hospital walls are usually painted a soothing calm green?   While I could go on about the different attributes of various colors in different contexts, let’s stick with clothing colors here, for the effect they have on communicating.

The two strongest colors in all contexts, due to the message they send are BLACK and RED.   

Do you think this lady means business?

Does  this lady stand out in a crowd? 
Black is very aggressive, a power take-charge color, very serious and lends great authority to the wearer.   But it can also be overpowering, especially on a female, making her come across to some as cold and calculating (but also credible and smart). 

So very aggressive is the color black that according to a recent study when a professional hockey team changed their uniforms from blue to black mid-season, they received substantially more penalty minutes per game during the latter games in the season.  The refs were certainly subconsciously affected by the color black.

Red jumps out and really gets the wearer noticed.  A study conducted in a public square showed a normal female in a plain white dress  receiving no undue attention whatsoever.  But when that same female was put in the same square, in the same plain styled dress, only in red, she received head turns from males and plenty of attention.

I remember a local politician who went on to prominence on the national stage, who began her career as “the lady in red“.  She wore prominently red dresses and received lots of attention and lots of votes – enough to win.  Do we even remember her stand on the issues?  Pretty smart marketing from whomever packaged her image.  She is still in politics today but she no longer ties her marketing image to red; she doesn’t need to anymore.  The color red did its job, now her reputation is established.
Here’s another look at colors communicating loud and clear – 
Who stands out the most?

Who looks the smartest and most professionally credible, but may also be a tough cookie?

 Who do you like the most, appearing nice and friendly?
Gentlemen, all this information applies to you too.   The subconscious brain is not color blind, but is gender blind! 

 
COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  When you are selecting the predominant color to wear, consider the impact that color will communicate and make sure it is the message you want for the audience you will be seeing.

QUESTION: Do you have any colorful stories/examples around this topic?

Politicians Are Often the Worst Communicators!

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5879908_origNow that both major parties have had their conventions, we are squarely in political high season.  While I try to avoid discussing politics as a general rule, the other day a local politician came knocking on my home door, giving me a great example of poor communication in action.

This stranger introduces herself as running for a local senate seat and asked if I had any issues to discuss.  Since I had just met her and was unprepared for her question, I politely deferred from reaming her out regarding any of my views on state or local government, which I logically know she is not wholly or perhaps even partially responsible for.

After hearing my response of “no” to her issues question, she handed me a standard brochure with her face on it and asked if she could count on my vote?  Really?!?  Did a total stranger just ask me for the favor of my vote, with hardly any attempt to earn it?  This felt like political SOP to me – insincerely glad-handing as quickly possible, getting in and out of as many homes as you can get to open their doors to you on a sunny Saturday.

I quickly saw my options as:  a) lie to her and say, “Yes! you’ve convinced me and I’m totally on board to vote for you!” or some such affirmative dribble, or b) tell her “No, I’m undecided at this point”, thereby wasting more of my time and hers, as she would then proceed to ask me how she could win my vote, expounding on her virtues, which may or may not be true – bottom line is I don’t really care, or c) stay true to my polite training not to hurt her feelings, but also true to my conscience and not make any empty promises either.

My brain quickly processed these options (not considering a myriad of other options like d) close the door in her face or e) feign sudden illness…) and I said, “I don’t know whether I’m even going to vote in November”, which was code for “You seem nice enough, so I don’t want to tell you ‘no’, but I don’t really know you well enough to say ‘yes’.”  Did she understand that for what it was?  Of course not.  She proceeded to lecture me on my civic responsibility to vote, which was totally the wrong route to take.  Who is she to lecture me, in that condescending tone?  If I didn’t know her before, I certainly didn’t like her after that.

After all the practice they have doing it, after all the doors they have knocked on, after all the people they have met, you might think that politicians would be better at communicating than most others.  Instead they offend, then largely go on offending in their ignorance and in their zeal to touch (offend) as many as possible during a short open window of time.  It is truly sad because we end up voting into office public servants that are not necessarily the best candidate for the job, but the lesser offender in the field of choices.

So what could she have done to have saved the day?  For one thing, she could have worded her question differently.  Instead of “Can I count on your vote?” which is from her vantage point, she could have asked, “How can I earn your vote?” which is from my vantage point.  And from the alternate wording she might have even received some valuable feedback that she could use, if she was listening.

Another good tactic is to always be in the other person’s shoes.  “Is this a good time – am I bothering you?”, “If you have a minute, I would like not to talk but to listen to your concerns.”, “Are you getting the services you want/need?”  Had she been in my shoes, she would never have condescended to lecture me on my civic duty, whether she felt it was warranted or not.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Every relationship, no matter how brief, is built on a platform of trust, and trust must be earned.  If you want something from someone, you must earn the right to ask for it.  Quickly earning trust and then earning the right to pose a request is a skill that can be learned and practiced, but still requires a transparent authenticity that must come from within.

QUESTION: Are politicians categorically the worst communicators?  Or, who’s worse, or just as bad?

Having a Bad Day? Change Your Mood – Here’s How

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Now that both major parties have had their conventions, we are squarely in political high season.  While I try to avoid discussing politics as a general rule, the other day a local politician came knocking on my home door, giving me a great example of poor communication in action.

This stranger introduces herself as running for a local senate seat and asked if I had any issues to discuss.  Since I had just met her and was unprepared for her question, I politely deferred from reaming her out regarding any of my views on state or local government, which I logically know she is not wholly or perhaps even partially responsible for.

After hearing my response of “no” to her issues question, she handed me a standard brochure with her face on it and asked if she could count on my vote?  Really?!?  Did a total stranger just ask me for the favor of my vote, with hardly any attempt to earn it?  This felt like political SOP to me – insincerely glad-handing as quickly possible, getting in and out of as many homes as you can get to open their doors to you on a sunny Saturday.  

I quickly saw my options as:  a) lie to her and say, “Yes! you’ve convinced me and I’m totally on board to vote for you!” or some such affirmative dribble, or b) tell her “No, I’m undecided at this point”, thereby wasting more of my time and hers, as she would then proceed to ask me how she could win my vote, expounding on her virtues, which may or may not be true – bottom line is I don’t really care, or c) stay true to my polite training not to hurt her feelings, but also true to my conscience and not make any empty promises either. 

My brain quickly processed these options (not considering a myriad of other options like d) close the door in her face or e) feign sudden illness…) and I said, “I don’t know whether I’m even going to vote in November”, which was code for “You seem nice enough, so I don’t want to tell you ‘no’, but I don’t really know you well enough to say ‘yes’.”  Did she understand that for what it was?  Of course not.  She proceeded to lecture me on my civic responsibility to vote, which was totally the wrong route to take.  Who is she to lecture me, in that condescending tone?  If I didn’t know her before, I certainly didn’t like her after that.

After all the practice they have doing it, after all the doors they have knocked on, after all the people they have met, you might think that politicians would be better at communicating than most others.  Instead they offend, then largely go on offending in their ignorance and in their zeal to touch (offend) as many as possible during a short open window of time.  It is truly sad because we end up voting into office public servants that are not necessarily the best candidate for the job, but the lesser offender in the field of choices.

So what could she have done to have saved the day?  For one thing, she could have worded her question differently.  Instead of “Can I count on your vote?” which is from her vantage point, she could have asked, “How can I earn your vote?” which is from my vantage point.  And from the alternate wording she might have even received some valuable feedback that she could use, if she was listening.

Another good tactic is to always be in the other person’s shoes.  “Is this a good time – am I bothering you?”, “If you have a minute, I would like not to talk but to listen to your concerns.”, “Are you getting the services you want/need?”  Had she been in my shoes, she would never have condescended to lecture me on my civic duty, whether she felt it was warranted or not.  

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Every relationship, no matter how brief, is built on a platform of trust, and trust must be earned.  If you want something from someone, you must earn the right to ask for it.  Quickly earning trust and then earning the right to pose a request is a skill that can be learned and practiced, but still requires a transparent authenticity that must come from within.  

QUESTION: Are politicians categorically the worst communicators?  Or, who’s worse, or just as bad?