When children are little, the parent is all-knowing, the fountain of all knowledge.  It gives the parent such a wonderful feeling – complete trust in your possession of infinite knowledge – and we hate to ‘let the child down’ when it turns out that there are actually many things that we know very little about (“how does that machine work?”).  But when your knowledge is lacking, it’s a great time to admit that you don’t know and to bond around a knowledge seeking activity together.

Whenever I needed homework help in spelling a  particular word and I would ask my mother, since I knew full well that she knew (she had a large vocabulary from doing crossword puzzles for years) she would never give me the answer, instead always sending me to the dictionary to look it up.  While I resented her not helping me out in this easy way when I knew she could, I quickly received the message that I had to seek out my own knowledge if I wanted to gain and keep it.

With adolescents there are many teachable moments that are frequently missed.  And in so doing, we miss the chance to expand our children’s knowledge base in a non-threatening, non-lecturing way.  Yesterday the condenser pump on the air conditioning in our house went out and the a/c is connected to the heating system.

My adolescent, about to take a shower:   “That won’t affect the hot water, will it?”

Me, with the easy, short answer:             “No, there’s plenty of hot water.”

Me, recognizing the teachable moment:                 “The a/c condenser pump works like a humidifier and takes out all the moisture that the cold air generates and diverts it, so the pump not working is creating a puddle of water downstairs, but is not affecting the heating system at all.”

Sometimes the missing of a teachable moment is due to laziness (it truly is a lot of work to be ‘on’ all the time and we do get tired), is due to  not realizing the opportunity, or is due to assuming the adolescent already knows or is not interested in knowing whatever we’re selling.  Whatever the reason, there is still no harm in diving into these teachable moments and much to be gained.  Keep in mind that it’s not a full blown lecture being delivered here, just some brief but helpful nuggets that will stick in their minds for potential later use.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:   Our children are like sponges for knowledge and will soak it up from many sources, with parents as the first, best, and most influential early teachers.  It takes effort to notice opportunities to pass on useful knowledge in an offhand oh-by-the-way manner, without being overbearing.  But these tucked away golden kernels are often helpful later and also serve to remind the adolescent that you still know a thing or two!

You remember adolescence – that gangly time when you fought with your parents, fought with yourself, fought with the establishment, in an effort to gain your independence and find your own unique voice?  It was marked with phrases like, “Mom, you are so not with it – look at those pants!” or “Dad, you just don’t get it!” or “My teacher is so stupid – she doesn’t understand us at all!” or perhaps worse…

That period between (back then) 13 and 17 years was deemed the beginning (puberty) and end (high school graduation) of adolescence, after which you were expected to be fully adult, all grown up, no longer a kid, able to take on adult responsibilities like start a family, buy a house, take on a serious job.

Today, due to the influence of media – TV, movies, magazines – kids start puberty much younger, pushed into sexual feelings and emotions they aren’t ready for at a much earlier age, around 11.  And new brain science is showing that on MRI scans, the brain of an adolescent does not fully develop until much later – somewhere around 24.

At 17, 18, 19, etc. a teenager’s brain is the same size as an adult’s brain, and teens are physically the same size, but that young brain in far from finished in development.  Young adults simply don’t have the full rational powers of adults yet.  They just can’t physiologically think like an adult, yet they are expected to function responsibly in adult fashion.

Now that we know that adolescence extends to more than a decade, a parent’s responsibility to parent that child does not end at 18.  Your adolescent still needs you for many many more years.  I would illustrate this extended adolescence with my own examples with my own 4, including my youngest, now 24 and finally emerging from adolescence, but instead a recent headline portrays this quite well.

The article referenced William Plotnikov, age 23, the Canadian who had converted to Islam and died in a firefight raid in Dagestan last summer.  The question his father “has been asking for months: Why would an immigrant youth whose family benefitted from the North American way of life appear to turn against it violently?”  [Plotnikov is being associated with Tamerlan Tsarnaev].  Why indeed – he is clearly turning against the old and familiar to find something new and unique, a familiar passage that all adolescents must go through to become themselves.

Plotnikov expressed this is one of his last messages home, “I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you… You’ve made it.  I’m proud…But our understanding of life has diverged.  We have to accept this and that we don’t understand each other.”  His turn to Islam is easily understood when learned that his father became a Jehovah’s Witness soon after moving to Canada – the adolescent has to throw off his parents’ values to decide what his values are going to be.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Adolescence is confusing for the child experiencing it and frustrating for the parents, who are too far from the process to remember it clearly.  What is clear is that the process of becoming independent involves some version of casting off what the child believes, to look at it closely,  to (subconsciously) decide whether to take it on for their own.  Compounding the problem is the length of time adolescence has extended to – from an erroneous belief of 4ish years to well over a decade.   Hang in there, parents – it’s a longer ride than you thought!

You can be having a perfectly fine day then a single interaction from your moody teenager can turn your previously stable mood upside down.  What is it about this adolescent age that has the ability to completely change your emotional state in an instant?

The teenager also is experiencing an internal state of flux – going from a seemingly pleasant child to an angry young adult in a flash, taking you and your pleasant mood with him along for the ride.

“How was your day at school?”

“Huh?”  or silence

“I would like to be able to talk with you once in a while.”

“Yeah, like you care or even understand my life.”

“Well, I can’t understand if you won’t give me a chance.”

“Whatever.”

Where does this sullenness come from? You ask yourself, ‘what did I do to warrant this behavior?’ Without communication from the other side the answers seem as silent as the teenager.

There are two common reactions to this typical situation. One is to give up entirely and wait for the difficult adolescent years to pass, hoping that this phase will pass quickly. The other reaction is to get mad and fight to get your pleasant child back. This latter response rarely works because an adolescent is changing and will never be the child of old. The sullenness, the rebellion, the withdrawal from most things ‘parent’ is the fight for independence, which every adolescent must go through to become a healthy adult.

Yet you miss the sweet child that was, and resist the pending independence, even while knowing deep down that it’s the natural course of events.  You’re mad that your teen doesn’t seem to need you anymore, and is making it perfectly clear with her attitude. The ungrateful, unappreciative little wretch is trying to fly away, but in the meanest way possible (or so it feels like).

A couple of anger management tips will help you check your behavior so you don’t do or say something you’ll regret later.

1) Give him some space – don’t jump right in and crowd the playing field with your anger, which will serve to escalate a bad situation, making it worse.

“What you mean by using that tone of voice with me young man?” is not helpful.

Preferably, “It seems like you have something serious on your mind.  Could we revisit this later this evening when we can both come at this a little calmer?”

2) Weigh the consequences of responding with high emotion and physical violence versus a more measured response.  It can be hard to refrain from lashing out verbally or physically during the heat of the moment, when anger is running strong and you just want to show that unruly, stubborn, rebellious teenager who’s the boss. But stopping yourself to consider the pros and cons of your next action – even taking a few minutes to allow the anger to dissipate (emotion runs the height of its course after 90 seconds) – is the mature course of action.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  The difficult adolescent years often bring parents quick to anger, as you grapple with a confused, frustrated teenager who’s really just trying to figure it all out the best way he knows how — without your help. This is hard to accept, that she would push you away, but it’s the only way she can gain her independence.  As this process unfolds your anger must be contained, over the many years of adolescence into young adulthood.

It’s Memorial Day – a good time to discuss patriotism in children.  How do deep feelings of love of country take root?  Why is it important to have them?  Is it important?

Memorial Day means different things to different people – a day off from work, the official beginning of summer,  a parade in cities and towns, a chance to remember all those who have died, military or otherwise, a long weekend,  a travel time to BBQ with friends and family, a shopping excursion with lots of sales.  The formal national holiday was started to honor those who fought and died in service for our country, a true military sentiment, with the other listed associations developed over time.

When I was growing up, Memorial Day weekend meant a trip to the family graves to plan flowers, clip the grass and beautify the final resting place of our departed ancestors.  Also, it was a chance to actually think about those dearly departed at a dedicated time, with a prayer graveside.

Patriotism was instilled in me by the rote recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance daily in school for years.  The words dully stated with my hand over my heart becoming a deeply ingrained habit.  Without knowing why the nation was “invisible” or understanding the concept behind most of the words (“with liberty and justice for all” during a time of civil rights) I did my duty every morning in front of the flag for years.  That much practice pounded in respect for the country, embodied by the stars and stripes – stand up straight while pledging, don’t ever let the flag touch the ground, the US flag must fly higher than any other flag.

But it was hearing the national anthem played over and over through the years that really locked in the patriotism.  Who can hear the anthem being played at an Olympic awards ceremony and not swell with pride?  Who can see a flag waving when there is a national disaster and not instantly bond with our fellow Americans in their grief?

Patriotism is important as part of our identity, extended beyond our personal lives to our country, our homeland, our place of citizenship.  It defines who we are with our pride of achievement, our self-esteem, our national confidence.  Without it, if we are disenfranchised by the way things are going, we lose much.  Some even turn radical, aligning with other destructive causes.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Children who do not have something positive to believe in will find something else to fill the void.  There are so many unproductive or worse choices out there.  It is a parent’s job to help them make healthy choices in all areas of life.  One way is encourage patriotism is not to speak despairingly about the country.  The current politicians may be an issue for you, but the country as a whole is unarguably the best country in the world to live in.

My sister grew up in China and recently communicated with me the following memory:  My name means ‘grass’.  I got this name was because our grandmother said I was a girl and was worthless like grass when I was born.  So you can see what kind of childhood I had.  Our oldest sister got all of attention and praise from the relatives all the time and I was nothing.  Grandma was good to me; however, she was too busy to take care of my feelings at that time.  I was very lonely and hated the world because I felt it was so unfair. 

Since I was adopted and grew up in a different household, it broke my heart to learn as an adult about this situation that my older sister endured.  And you can clearly hear the pain she still feels today – the childhood years are so formative that the negative effects are pervasive throughout life, in all cultures.

The damage inflicted by the assignment of a lowly name is huge, in a culture where names are critical in importance; in America it’s not individual names as much as it is labels that can be so harmful.  I suggested to my sister that if at the time the concept could have been reframed to something positive, the damage might have been avoided.  Grass can be thought of as lush, growing, and an indication of fertility, with green a color that the brain is drawn to because of the nature connection.  But she was having none of it – too little, much too late; the damage was done long ago and isn’t going to ever be undone.

Another fact is that at one time there were so many Chinese children that parents gave their children unpretentious names, like ‘grass’, so that the gods would take no notice of them, and they could lead their lives unbothered by godly wrath for boastful qualities.  The only problem with this practice is that the name describes the lowliness repeatedly throughout her life, which internalizes the quality and makes it become real.  Not good for developing self-esteem, which was not a consideration during the naming process.

In America we don’t look at someone’s name and immediately know the derivative meaning – ‘Denise’ means ‘follower of Dionysus, the god of wine’ yet I have never been accused of being a wino!  But a label, especially a negative label, like ‘chub’ or ‘pest’ (see 5/24/13 post) is hard to reframe into something positive, and can have a negative long-term self-fulfilling effect.  Name calling, like ‘stupid’, ‘loser’, ‘brat’, and the like, is similar in damage potential.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Studies have shown that there are certain names do give the bearer an advantage or disadvantage, but names for the most part are not a hindrance to a growing child.  What are important to avoid are labels.  Are your children labelled as the ‘smart’ one, the ‘athlete’ in the family, the ‘artist’, etc?  Be careful of the pressure that labels bring; even positive labels can be problematic as children struggle under the weight of living up to high expectations.

A psychic says, “Think of any question… yes, I know what it is, and I know the answer”.  Since we know there is no such thing as mindreading and most mind tricks are based on logic and percentage guessing, I was intrigued as to what the majority of people would ask – what is the major question that a preponderance of people wonders about?

Are you curious?  When I heard the answer, I acknowledged that because most people are thinking “what’s in it for me?” about virtually everything, I wasn’t surprised by the answer – or rather the question.  Of course, it’s a question about the person themselves – the top concern that people have about their lives, what’s important to them, their inner most fear…

The question is:  Does anybody love me?  We want to be known for who we are, to be accepted, to be understood – which translates into love.  As you raise children, know that this universal concern, albeit fear of not being loved, has its roots in childhood.  Without satisfying this concern fully, we turn into needy adults, still wondering if we are lovable.

But you say, “Of course I love my children and they know it – I tell them all the time that I love them!”  But telling and promising is not the same as delivering.  To feel truly loved is to work hard at accepting them for who they are, with their irksome quirks, and annoying habits, and bad behaviors (which you are trying to change).  It’s understanding their moods and feelings, some of which make no sense at the time.  It’s really being present with them in their tough situations (which may appear trivial to you, but are huge to them).  It’s hard work, over 18 years of diligence.

And it’s such important work.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  Have you hugged your child today?  Really hugged him, like you meant it, to your very core.  Hugged her so she grows up not wondering if she’s loved – she KNOWS she’s loved, and not just because you ‘have’ to as her parent.  

The TV show Will and Grace had a running skit on doing a little I-told-you-so- dance whenever one character was right and wanted to rub that fact in to another character. My large family was fairly competitive, likely due to my own competitive spirit plus the largeness of the family, which tends to encourage competition by definition. We would bet each other (“I bet you a dollar that I’m right”) with the stakes of the bet rising over time. The I-told-you-so-dance seemed like a good way to stop the betting, while still good-naturedly rubbing in the rightness without a hard cost attached. The real cost was playful humiliation, as the person who was wrong had to endure watching the person who was right enjoy performing the dance in front of them. At some point all it took was a slight hand wave (the beginning of the dance) to signify, “I told you so!”

It is a natural tendency to want to be right, part of the competitive spirit that guarantees survival in a competitive world. It’s also natural to dislike public humiliation, which hurts self-esteem if there are accompanying feelings of stupidity, mental ineptitude, or other negative traits involved (i.e. no one enjoys feeling like an idiot). What isn’t natural is the desire to rub in our rightness at the expense of another person’s wrongness. You can be quietly correct in your assessment without the need for anyone else to be correspondingly wrong. But in our competitive society we love to prove the pundits, the fictitious “them”, the universe wrong, when circumstances turn out to prove that against the odds we prevailed in our rightness!

When the rightness comes at the expense of the child’s wrongness this should no longer be considered enjoyable. Even a teenager that may look like an adult is still a developing child, without the full range of experience, knowledge, or brain development to know that building ego with “I told you so” is really an expression of low self-esteem. The person that feels the need to rub in their being right needs public acknowledgment to feel good about themselves.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: It is understandable when kids give in to their natural urge of competitiveness and enjoy being right, even rubbing it in when they have bested an elder. What isn’t helpful in the child’s development is when an adult engages in that same behavior at the child’s expense. Adults have so many more advantages over child that they should be right most of the time, refraining from rubbing it in with an “I told you so” comment in any form:

“I warned you about hanging around with so-and-so and now look at what happened…”

“I knew you would get into trouble if you didn’t listen to me about… and now there’s trouble”

“Now what did I tell you just last week? I’m sorry to be always right, but once again I’m right.”

These lectures are rarely listened to because they sound like a broken record. There are many better ways to communicate your point without delving into an “I told you so” remark.

My husband is a ‘bit’ of a clean freak (yay, lucky me!)  and he is more than willing to take on the cleaning chores to get things done the way he wants them done (which it was made clear very early on in our marriage was not the way I clean things).  So there he is slaving away on a Saturday of his own volition cleaning the bathrooms, while I am spending my time polishing my nails and leisurely reading.  It is all I can do to refrain from thinking, “You make me feel so guilty…” or, if there is company present, to shout “Stop!  You’re making me look bad.”

In truth he holds no animosity towards me for my chosen activities, which are separate from his.  He has expressed many times that he feels that I carry my share of the load and all is fair.  So owning my own behavior, which I still struggle to do, is in my own head.  No matter what my mother did ahead of me and no matter what society dictates (cleaning is traditionally a female responsibility) we two have our own agreed-upon relationship terms that works for us.

The bottom line is that no one else can make you feel guilty, make you look bad, make you do anything – only you can do all of these things to yourself.  You control your own behavior and trying to place the blame on anyone else is bogus.

Do your misbehaving children make you look bad to others for perceived poor parenting skills?  Do they make you feel bad – because you look bad, or… because you have failed them?  Or do they make you look good when they behave, as a positive reflection?

“Stop making me feel bad about having to punish you for [insert transgression]” or “Now you are just trying to make me feel bad with that sad face” – which often leads to, “Then don’t punish me and you won’t have to feel bad!”  The conversation now veers off course, instead of tying back the punishment as a logical consequence to the transgression, with the known punishment fully expected.

Children are confused when you send a mixed message, indicating their responsibility for having done something to you that is not in their control.  My father, who believed in corporal punishment, would always preface the punishment with, “This hurts me more than it hurts you”.   As a child, I never understood what he meant and naturally responded with contempt (“Yeah, RIGHT!“).  He was failing in his efforts to make me feel responsible for his actions, mainly because I was too young to comprehend his point.  Confusion never helps a negative situation and children are easily confused by adult concepts.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:   Much of your parental responsibility is to model the values, the language constructs, the behaviors that you want your children to emulate.  Usually this is done without much forethought in the process of what you are delivering in what you hope to deliver.  Sometimes the process that is used is detrimental to the result that is desired.  It takes continual monitoring to get the job done adequately, never perfectly.  Owning your own behavior is just one value of mature adults, along with keeping your word, delivering on your promises, and other responsible behaviors. 

We love our kids –of course we do – as their parents we HAVE to, and so we do – but we don’t have to love their behavior. There is a distinct difference between loving the child and separating the distasteful behavior from the person.

At different stages of a child’s development the parent simply does not like his own child, which is perfectly normal. When we feel that we “ought to” love, this commandment is an attitude not an emotion.  To love one’s neighbor is not to feel affection for him but to wish that he be well.  Willed love, or “ought to” love, is different from liking; this type of forced love can lead to phoniness and guilt.

Affection can be nurtured, but it cannot be turned on and off at will. When behaviors are disagreeable you do not have to like the person doing the behavior; so you can easily love the child even those you do not like her. Ironically it is often the least lovable person who is the one most in need of love.  The terrible toddler when he seems most impossible, at those times he needs the most love.   And every person at every age has their moments when they are just not likable.

Acceptance is an attitude of neutrality – you can be neutral in spite of the fact that the behavior you are seeing may not be in keeping with what you would like to see. At times everyone falls short and has failed in another’s expectations; everyone has moments when they need acceptance. We’ve all done things that are hurtful to ourselves and to others, yet in spite of our inadequacies, we want to be loved as we are.  Acceptance nourishes the child’s self-love and helps maximize their future potential.

Acceptance is not synonymous with approval. You can accept another person’s feelings and still not approve of his behavior. “I get that you really mad at your sister (acceptance of the feeling) for taking your toy, but you still can’t hit her (non-approval of the behavior).  Let’s find another way to work through your anger so we can talk about this when you’re ready. How about hitting this pillow as hard as you can?”

Pseudo-acceptance is harmful. While playing the role of “good parent” – trying to show acceptance outwardly, but inwardly feeling non-accepting: “you aren’t irritating me”, “I’m okay with that” – your body language and tone of voice betray your real feelings of non-acceptance.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY:  it is perfectly natural to dislike your child during certain stages, while still loving them. You love the person that they are and that they are becoming.  But during certain stages you dislike the behavior that they are exhibiting, which must be separated from who they are. Sometimes it’s hard to make that separation, but the person really is not the behavior. Feeling guilty over these natural feelings doesn’t help the situation at all. Acceptance of the natural feelings that causes the errant behavior goes a long way towards changing future undesirable behavior.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day which means that many mothers everywhere received some kind of gift, trinket, or other remembrance from their children. When small children give gifts that they have thoughtfully created at school, daycare, or as a scouting activity, or that they have bought at the dollar store with their own money, moms receive these treasures lovingly given. What to do with kitschy gifts after their ‘time’ has expired?

One thing not to do is to dispense with the gift carelessly with total disregard of the young gifter’s gentle feelings. A scarring memory for me was when my aunt took me as a young child for a week to Canada with one night spent playing bingo for entertainment. I was amazed to actually win a bingo round with the prize among this old ladies group of a bone China single teacup and matching saucer. I was delighted to bring this delicate treasure home to my mother as a gift from my trip. Several years later, when I was no longer as young, it’s still made me cry to overhear my mother carelessly offer away my gift to a visiting friend with, “If you like it you can have it; I don’t know where it came from.”

When I was the mother I made it clear to my children that I would treasure anything that they made by hand but would not want any cheap store-bought knickknacks. By pre-empting the gift giving in this way saved me from oohing and ahhing over something that would end up in a yard sale. So I never ended up with a house of childish knickknacks and there were no hurt feelings or insincere thank yous for things I didn’t have any use for. The handmade gifts made from the heart were truly treasured and spawned more of the same when they were older and very capable, putting in good effort resulting in some lovely creations.

So what about those ‘handmade’ gifts from very young children that you know the adults in charge really had a large hand in creating, or gifts that are largely made from a craft kit and the child’s contribution is minimal? These fall into the category of ‘macaroni necklaces’ and went into an annual collection box, one for every child for every year. Yes, we lugged 56 collection boxes (I had four kids and started when each child was in preschool) from one house move to another to another until finally the boxes dropped down into file folders containing pictures of the creations that were finally able to be dispensed of.

COMMUNICATION TAKEAWAY: The purpose of gifting is to teach children how to share their resources (not just money, but also time, energy and skills) with consideration for another person’s happiness. Creating or selecting a card is gifting on a smaller scale. A good gift communicates, “I thought of you today and wanted to make you happy.” The more personal the gift (not the larger the gift or the more expensive the gift), the deeper the feeling of caring and affection is created. Setting up a family protocol on gift giving with these guidelines in mind will help children to learn a valuable lesson over a lifetime of gift giving occasions.