Do it literally; stop saying “but”.  Not so easy right?

So you’re telling someone in the office what a good job they just did on that project.  Wow, so impressive, such good effort put in that really showed, really gave 110%.  And what’s the response?  If it’s praise from a (usually demanding) superior to a subordinate, often the response from the subordinate is, “OK, but…?  I feel a “but” coming”.

Don’t think you’re demanding?  OK, a superior with ‘high standards’, really high standards, job keepingly high standards.  And that “but” just hangs there waiting for the proverbial other foot to drop.  The “but” foot of “…but if you had also remembered to include blah blah blah” And there it is – discounting all the good praise with a single, but powerful “but”.

“But” gains much of its power exactly because it is so overused to connote something negative, to offset the positive just expressed.  “But” is rarely used without the positive-moves-to-negative discounting pattern.  To unfortunate results.  And when “buts” are piled on top of “buts”, the cumulative results can be devastating to self-esteem, because “but” feels so accusatory to the receiver.  Drop the blaming by dropping the buts from your vocabulary.

So stop saying it.  Just stop.  I dare you to try, since you will find that when you focus on it, it’s really hard to go several sentences without a “but” creeping in there, even when you’re trying to refrain.

Replace every “but” with “and” and see the results.  “And” changes everything.   “And” is a team word, a joiner, a pleasant coupler of two positives.  And the funny thing is that changing “but” to “and” has little effect on the meaning, but has a huge effect on the feeling.  And that positive feeling rubs off on you, while getting your same meaning across.  Score!

“Wow, so impressive, such good effort put in that really showed, really gave 110%, and if you had also remembered to include blah blah blah”

See how different that feels?  No “but” and the tone shift immediately.  A small change delivers a noticeable shift, which builds on itself over time.

“But I can’t do it; old habits are just too hard to break.”  “But what about when I need to make a strong point, and that ‘but’ is warranted?”  “But how about the legitimate times when a negative needs to be pointed out and responsibility taken?”

Phooey, “and” replacing “but” still works in all cited instances:

“…but should you happen to forget…”  “…and should you happen forget…”

“…but you did forget, then this happened…”  “and you did forget, then this happened…”

Try kicking the “but” habit, you’ll like it.  And others will like you more because of it.

Next time the topic is: What’s in a NAME? – actually a lot, so be careful Mr. Smith …err…John…?

Comment on kicking hard verbal habits?  Language patterns are really just habits, familiar ways of expressing thoughts.  Patterns that define personality.

Texting is for kids; there’s no place for it in business.  Or is there?

It’s true that kids are heavy users, texting hundreds and sometimes a thousand or more texts a month, but adults in business text too.  And it’s perfectly fine to do so – as long as you know the other person well enough to have a texting relationship.  Never text a stranger prospect that you haven’t met before or don’t have permission to do so.

Texting has an informality about it that walks a fine line between professionalism and over familiarity.  Improper grammar?  Fairly standard in this channel.  Typos?  Acceptable when fat fingers miss landing on a side by side key.  Wrong words?  Common when auto-correct somehow has a mind of its own.  The question is: can you live with this self-perception of yourself as a mistake-prone communicator, even as you try to maintain credibility?

Texting is most commonly used when the party wants to avoid an extended conversation.   Sad, depressed, in a funk – all times when a text is just the thing, but is it a good thing for business?  In a rush, need to deliver a quick answer with no time to type?  A text may work, but the nature of rushing leads to mistakes… Is texting a compatible message to go along with your personal brand?

Texting has so many abbreviations, emoticons, symbols, and various meanings – it has its own dictionary, as the laggards try to keep up.

Does anyone really need to know that #:-) means smiling with a fur hat ?

And if I received:  /: – | in a text, I would have no idea that the person was “unamused, mildly cross”  oops – was it something I said?  Or didn’t say?

In a world where it’s hard enough to keep up with the changing lexicon of words and word meanings (remember when being sick was a bad thing, and a cell was to be avoided?) , texting is best left in the realm of personal friendship and not in business communication, even for the stout of heart and technically agile.

%-6

Next time the topic is: Kick Your But– do it literally; why and how to stop saying “but”, the effects of “but” and what to replace it with.

QUICK SURVEY: Do you text in business with clients/customers?  Leave a quick “yes” (business text more often than once a month) or “no” (text to clients less than once a month) in the comment section, to reflect your current use of this communication channel.

“I’ve got to tell you what happened to me last night!” a friend gushes, then goes on in detail about the incident.  And what are you thinking while she’s talking? “Oh you think that’s amazing, one time I…” or “Wow, that’s incredible. That reminds me of the time I…” and off you go, relating right back to number 1 – you! Our egos just have to get our story out.  It’s not about one upping your friend; it’s just that being self-centered is our human nature and hard to override.

It’s great to be thinking about others, but we are wired to think primarily about ourselves.  All the time.  Unconsciously and automatically.  It’s simply a matter of survival; if we don’t put ourselves first we risk get eaten by a saber-tooth tiger, more figuratively than literally today, but you get my drift.

So how does this translate in our 21^st century world?  “Mary is doing a really good job” the (saber-tooth) boss comments, comments that have no bearing to you.  And how do you react? “I wonder if he thinks that I’m doing an equally good job..? He never mentioned the fabulous report I did last week.” WIIFM, even when the comments are not directed to us at all.  That’s just the way our minds work.  We can’t help but to mentally turn everything around to be about us.

Knowing this about people, it’s logical that when we communicate with others, we should keep this in mind – the other person is always thinking in terms of their own interests.  If they can’t see a connection to them, they have a hard time caring.  Starving children in Africa?  I don’t feel a direct connection so it’s easy to resist the appeal to donate.  And people certainly won’t spend any of their limited time on anything that’s not relevant to their interests.  Even if it really is relevant, but they can’t see it.  Make the connection and you make the ‘sale’.

So how do you get and keep someone’s attention, especially someone in business that you are trying to persuade? How do you get them to care about your message?  Make the message all about them, the impact of your message on their life, and then keep the focus on them.  How do they benefit?  What does that feel like?  Keep talking about that connection and keep the discussion from their perspective to keep them attentive. Not a bit easy, given our own basic nature, but it’s important if you want to persuade and influence successfully.  Keep reminding yourself that it’s all about them, all the time, and you will be fabulously successful in getting what you want.  Kinda works in reverse, but it does work.

Next time the topic is: texting– when to best use this prevalent communication tool.

WIIFM exercise: what’s in it for the other person to take your phone call/meet with you/answer your email? Leave a comment on how you get attention and keep the focus on them.

Cliché: a trite expression that has been (over)used so often it becomes commonplace in a language culture, often containing a kernel of truth.

Oh the overused, habit forming, lazy cliché! – or is it the ultimate savior when simply at a loss for words and the trusty cliché rushes to the rescue, describing exactly the concept you need to express?

The bane of our writing – trash them all and clean up the purity of language once and for all!  No, wait!  We can’t live without the familiar wordy truisms that add color and spice (ok, admittedly sometimes old, stale spice) to our vocabularies.

Love a good cliché or hate them, they are rather habit forming and creep into our thinking and verbalizing without our even knowing it.  Like any habit, some word patterns are so automatic as to become part of a person’s personality.  Good parts (My grandmother used to always say, “I love you to the moon and back”) and bad parts (“We’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you”) Ouch!

The value of clichés are their familiarity.  We like what is familiar (distrust the unknown) so the familiar cliché is comforting in a tried-and-true kind of way (slipped that one in) and some of the trust that the cliché enjoys can rub off on the person who used it.

But a cliché, especially the old, very tired ones that elicit a silent groan, can reflect mental laziness, an undesirable trait we decidedly don’t want to rub off on us.  Cat got your tongue?  Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?  What goes around comes around.  That and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee.  Please, if you say that one more time, I may resort to violence.

“Last chance!”  “Hurry!  This offer won’t last long” “Lowest prices of the season”  These advertising come-on have developed into clichés that are no longer believable.  Initially there was a pretense of caring (I know you’re busy and you really want this; I don’t want you to miss out on getting) which now just sounds like pushy unrelenting nag, nag, nag.  We live in a skeptical world, made that way because of cliché sales behavior.

So what’s a writer to do?  The SMART writer uses the familiarity of clichés to best advantage by combining part of the old cliché with a new twist.  The result is witty writing, and wit delights every time.  Whenever you can use wit in your writing, it brings a smile to the reader, which is always a good thing (releases feel-good endorphins, positive associations, etc.)  Adam Levine banter to Blake Shelton on the Voice: That is about as helpful as steak stuck in your colon for 3 days.

Next time the topic is: everyone’s favorite station: WIIFM – gaining and keeping the other person’s perspective.

Comment: clichés that you love/love to hate?  Give me a break already!

Here’s a phenomena I’m sure you’ll recognize as happening more that once: you just bought a new car and suddenly you see that same make and model everywhere.  How have so many people suddenly gotten the same good taste in cars as you?

You’ve decided to start a family and are in the early months of pregnancy, noticing all those other pregnant women – they are suddenly everywhere!  Were there really so many large tummies before, or is there is a sudden baby-boom that you’re coincidentally a part of?

We see we want to see and notice what we are predisposed to notice. Our reality, our unique individual perspective on the world, is made up of what’s inside our unique individual brains just in the moment.  What you want to see is truly what you get; we make our own reality.

So how does this relate to writing and written communication? We notice what we are primed to notice.  If you want your writing to be noticed, you need to prime the pump to make sure it happens. You do this by making sure that your topic is top of mind with your reader.  The familiar topic that delivers on something the reader is prone to look for will be read more diligently than a new topic that is not primed and may be overlooked or ignored, no matter how fabulous and exciting the frontrunner happens to be, until it gathers critical mass.  “Did you hear about _____ that’s all over the news?!”  “No, I seem to have missed it.”

Another thing that the brain is wired to see is motion.  We literally look for movement, as Neanderthal man knew that something moving presented either an opportunity or a threat.  In either case, movement gets our attention. We stop, we look, we wonder.  Fight, flight, or freeze?  Friend or foe?

This is why we can’t see something that’s often right in front of us (“Where did I put my glasses?”); it’s just not moving and so it can present as invisible to the brain.  Not a threat? Not an opportunity? Not worth the energy to consider.

Written communication also needs to move or it will be ignored.  Action words that create visual mental movement are seen; passive boring words are often overlooked.  Is your message ho-hum? No wonder it is routinely bypassed…

Next time the topic is: clichés – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

TRY THIS SKILL SHARPENING TOOL:  Change up a routine behavior by not following your standard order of completing the task.  Take a shower washing yourself from the bottom up instead of from the top down.  Get dressed by putting the opposite arm or leg or foot in your clothes/shoes first.  Eat with your non-dominant hand and in a different order than usual.  Drive home via a different route.  By changing things up you will notice and appreciate different things.

The brain loves patterns, but it also loves novelty. Patterns, mental habits can be extremely helpful for not forgetting things and getting things done.  Other patterns that turn into mental ruts can stifle creativity.  “I never thought to try doing it that way.”  Why not?

What do you think?   Helps or hurts?

Do you agree?  Yay or nay?

Why or why not?  What are your thoughts?

What’s with all the questions?  Or as my teens would ask, “What’s with the third degree?”

We pay attention when questions are asked – the brain is put into problem solving mode – what’s being asked of me here? The brain’s logical thinking center – the highly evolved neocortex – likes nothing better than having a problem to solve, solving most problems by searching its vast store of neural memories for a previous experience that the new experience can be likened to.

In a flash when it hears a question, the brain wakes up and starts processing.  Where’s the pattern?  What are the similarities and differences to the pattern? Is this a new experience with no memories to draw on?  But is it at all similar to any prior experience? A question triggers instant activity, as the brain recognizes that something – an answer – is expected of it, and the brain can’t help but want to comply.  Even if the questioner is not actually present to hear the answer.  Even if the question is not totally relevant.  Even if the question is foolish.

When the questioner is in front of you, the response may be another question: “Why do you ask?”  Or a declarative comment: “That’s a stupid question.” Or even the honest but rudely stated: “I don’t have to answer that.”  But when read, without the questioner present, it’s another matter.

The written question when heard internally by the reading voice in your head wakes up the brain.  Quickly it assesses. This is not business as usual (i.e. a fact, to check or not check); now there is some work to do.  I need to think about this (even if only briefly, even if I don’t logically want to,).  Right now.

The influential question mark can change everything in the blink of an eye.  Think you knew something?  Think again.

Know the power of a question mark.  Use the power advantageously. If only…?

Now the question becomes: how to persuade the reader to take the desired action.  Want to know more?  Now you do.

Next time the topic is: What you see is what you get – we see pretty much what we want to see, and are largely blind to everything else.  This can work in your favor if you know what to do with it.

Comments?  What are your thoughts, or pressing questions?

Maybe this title doesn’t describe you – maybe you’re the kindhearted type that simply can’t stand to say “no” to anyone, for anything – and wish that you could! – the type that gets swamped with feelings of wanting so much to be likable and not to offend, to the point of agreeing to everything.  If this sounds like you, you may need professional help around self-esteem, especially if this doormat behavior is causing you great stress and ruining your happiness.

But what about the rest of us?

“No!” is drilled into us in early childhood.  It’s usually one of the first words learned, and learned with a vengeance.  To my 2-year old granddaughter “no” means “what else (better) are you offering for me to choose from?”  Hey, she’s no dummy.  “Want bubbles?” “No.” “Want crayons?” “No.” “Want a book?” “No.” I can almost hear the wheels churning, “What else ya got over there? Spill the arsenal of goods!”

We learned early on that “I said NO!” has great power, the power of high authority.  And to defy such power is really pushing the boundaries.  When we are trying to define where you end and where I begin, asserting your ability to say no is the starting point in self-discovery.

No is a reflection of the selfish trait that insured our very survival: No, I can’t share with you until I take care of me. We know on the crashing plane to take care of our own oxygen needs first, that charity begins at home, that only the strong survive/win.  Competition is not such a bad thing and can at times be the only thing.  The first episode of the new Amazing Race season showed the nice firefighters pushing the Barbies aside to reach their goal.  Yes, two brawny firefighters literally pushed out two small females who were standing in their way.  Hmmm, interesting turn against type, due to competitive urging.

When we are communicating with others online (and offline) we are faced with this strong general propensity to say no: No to your intrusive email, No to the scrolling banner ad, No to the popup box, No to the lengthy memo – it’s simply a matter of survival in the war for time and productivity.

We are trained to say No, way before saying Yes.  And online it’s even easier because it’s an anonymous No – no one sees you slink away from reading or clicking, or delightfully deleting.  No becomes fun in a perverse 21^st century way, as you forcefully hit the delete button while gleefully chortling “Take that, you annoying piece of spam!”

The saying No pattern is such a strong online trait, we often don’t even see or process what exactly we’re saying No to.  No has become automatic behavior that we blindly follow in the pressing need to save time and get through the barrage of online information swamping our digital devices.

How to break through the huge No barrier?  That’s a matter of training.  Or re-training.  Internally we need to re-train our brains to say Yes to ourselves – Yes to life! Yes to opportunities! Yes to self-fulfillment!  Stop sacrificing, start enjoying.

With others, we need to train our audience to say Yes to our messages.  All written roads should lead to Yes, then small yeses become big yeses.  Don’t you agree?  Nod your head Yes, then apply this approach to your own writing.

Next time the topic is: the power of “?” – what seeing a question in writing does to the brain.

Comments?  What Yes/No online examples do you have?

Oops! The week is almost over and I need to finish up this series of the 4 most powerful words, in any language, that research tells us rank highest in power and persuasiveness, with the last word: “New”. These words speak to our basic needs and interests as human beings, no matter our culture.  They are Mother Nature’s words and added to any headline gives it extra zing.

“New” gets power by tapping into our very human trait of repeatedly seeking out novelty. This trait served our Neanderthal ancestors well, as discovering new things brought new opportunities and potentially new resources, new food supplies.  There also lurked the potential danger of new threats, as with the good sometimes comes the bad; but that’s another discussion.  Their descendants – us! – found newness to be more of a help than a hindrance, and so the trait not only survived but flourished.

So we are hard-wired to pay attention to anything “new”, some to the point of addiction.  We get addicted to the ding of our computers telling us we have new email – oh, the novelty!  Hmmm…what’s in that new email I heard just arrived?  The novelty seeking brain just has to find out; the curiosity is overwhelming.  And so we stop what we’re doing to just take maybe a little tiny peek… maybe it’s something good, something we’ve been waiting for, some nice surprise just dying to be read.  This scenario repeats itself over and over again throughout the day; a pleasurable distraction or a compulsion that can’t be ignored?  The same can be said for surfing the ever changing internet, which can consume hours of time.

Strong attraction to novelty is at the heart of gambling addiction. The brain sees the flashing lights, the whirling sounds, the opportunity with every roll of the dice or crank of the slot machine for mega riches.  And somehow there is the belief that the gaming system is fair and nothing is rigged. Even if this were true, there is no pattern that exists for the determined brain to figure out, try though it might.

“New” in a headline is guaranteed to get attention because the word also taps into our psyche at another level. In addition to a strong attraction to novelty, many among us have competitive egos that crave being the first on the block with the newest version of whatever. We want to feel up with the times and not living under the proverbial rock. The newest item? – yeah, we know all about it; we’re cool.

So use “new” freely in your headlines to grab attention, as a proven powerful way – as long as it’s true of course.

Next time the topic is: the word “no” – we are trained from childhood to say no, almost automatically without giving it a lot of thought.

Comments?  What’s “new” with you?

In this post I discuss the 3^rd of the 4 most powerful words, in any language, that research tells us rank highest in power and persuasiveness, the word “How”. These words speak to our basic needs and interests as human beings, no matter our culture.  They are Mother Nature’s words and added to any headline gives it extra zing.

“How” is especially powerful because it signals knowledge is coming.  When used in a headline about a topic we want to know more about or something that we have a problem around, our antenna goes up – tell me more, this may be the knowledge I’m looking for.

This brings me to knowing your audience.  There are 3 types of readers looking to solve a problem:

The DIY-ers – just tell me how, so I can do it myself

The DIWY-ers – I need some expert help with this, please do it with me

The DIFY – there’s no way I’m doing this myself, I want you to do it for me

Realizing that there are different kinds of problem solver is known at some level, but few headline writers consider how the word “How” plays in a headline. The DIY crowd rushes to the siren call of “How”; it’s exactly the right word to use if you are strictly into educating a reader about your topic.

But if the goal of your writing is more business-oriented and you hope to sell your reader something down the road (you are giving away valuable education now to show expertise; hoping to build trust and close the sale later when the trust is established) then avoid using “How” in your headline, since you will be attracting a DIY reader.  When what you really want is the DIWY (who will hire you to help them) or the DIFY (who will see your expertise and turn the problem over to you to solve for them).

We train others in how to treat us, with our words online (and our behavior offline).  With any writing, you need to know a) what you want the piece of writing to do; b) the type of audience you want to attract; and c) the right words to use to achieve both goals.

One of the big jobs of the headline is to get attention and attract the right reader.  Using “how” in a headline is a good draw – but is it drawing the right type of reader?

Next time the topic is: the power of the word NEW – our deep attraction and addiction to novelty.

Comments?  How are you using the word “how”?  Correctly for your purposes, or…

In the last post I discussed the 4 most powerful words, in any language, that research tells us rank highest in power and persuasiveness because they speak to our basic needs and interests as human beings, no matter our culture.  They are Mother Nature’s words and added to any headline gives it extra zing.

Each word is being covered separately, to give it proper due. The word covered last time was FREE; today YOU is the word under scrutiny.

Our favorite word in the world is our name; you hear it in a crowded room and sit up to take notice.  You comment fondly when you meet someone else with the same first name.  “You” jogs our brain us to look internally to see if the subject applies.  Like our name, we simply pay closer attention when we read “you”, “your”.

When 100 of the highest money making headlines of all times were analyzed (thank you, John Caples) for repeat usage, guess which word topped the list?  Yep, you guessed it – “you” was listed 31 times, with “your” as #2, earning 14 appearances.  This out of only 4 words in double digits of the top 10 words.  So no underestimating the importance of personalization and making the reader feel like an individual and not like a head of cattle.

When spoken, “you” can be very generic –there are a lot of potential “you”s out there.  “Thank you”, “Pleased to meet you”, or the largely old-fashioned “How do you do?” (with the correct response of “Fine, and you?”, not “Ah, my back is killing me…”) – in all these spoken cases, “you” is not special and not worthy of mention.

But in headlines, “you” is pure magic.  It has a special role – it really hopes to mean you, and that you’ll notice yourself in the surrounding words.  Hopefully you’ll also take some desired action. Try to use it wherever you can.  And the extra bonus is that by using “you” it keeps you focused on whom you are addressing – your important audience.  Focusing on the needs and interests of your audience is guaranteed to give you better results, much better than the alternative of focusing on yourself, which too many make the mistake of doing.

The question everyone has when reading anything is: What’s in it for me?  The word “you” wants to deliver on that message.  A headline is a promise (or should be). “You” is the personal part of WIIFM – “you” screams here’s delivery on that promise and you won’t be sorry!

Next time the topic is: the power of the word HOW – but be careful how you use it, since there is a right way and a wrong way.

Comments?  Are YOU sold on the value of the word “you”?  Why or why not?